Drink More, Care Less

Match is trying very hard to LURE ME BACK UNDER THE EVIL WING OF INTERNET DATING.

screen-shot-2016-11-10-at-1-07-43-pmThey send me emails with discounts combined with pictures of handsome men, all smiling at me, all looking oh-so-available and wholesome.

screen-shot-2016-11-10-at-1-08-01-pmWell, I’ve got news for Match.

I’m not looking for wholesome.

I like my men with a side of kink and an extra helping of naughty.

And yes, while it’s true I have a thing for LUMBERJACKS, I’m also beginning to realize I have a thing for burners as well.

And by “burners” I mean men who go to Burning Man, not necessarily 420-friendly.

Although after the passing of Prop 64 in California, I’m guessing that will be a lot more prevalent and socially acceptable now.

In any case, here I am facing the holidays alone and single (still) and wondering what I’m going to do about a New Year’s Eve date all the while Match is pinging me with carefully marketed emails designed to make me hopeful and optimistic about internet dating again.

id1Well, THEY FAIL.

I’d rather turn lesbian than return to the hell hole of internet dating.

Internet dating is like shooting fish in a barrel – sure, it gets the job done but it’s a messy business.

id2I wish I could trade my heart in for another liver.

So I could drink more and care less.

He pleases me greatly!

michelleWe will never meet.

We haven’t even exchanged phone numbers.

Our play exists only in the cyber realm through sexy text messages and naughty pictures.

In real life he’s a Marine. A hero. But not when he’s texting me.

When he’s texting me he’s a dirty boy.

All his naughty dreams and fantasies come out to play.

“Tell me a story,” he always starts our conversations.

He wants to hear about my sex life.

I always tell him about my latest fling.

I leave out no detail.

By the time I’m done he’s sending me the naughtiest, nastiest pictures you can imagine.

For my collection.

We’re both single. We’re allowed to be as naughty as we want.

For now.

I know someday I’ll have to give him up.

In fact, IT’S REQUIRED FOR MY PERSONAL GROWTH to leave this relationship behind.

But for now I can do as I please with him.

And he pleases me greatly!

Foreplay

Here are some of my favorite foreplay techniques, enacted on me by my various lovers All of them worked spectacularly.

Don’t forget that the largest erogenous zone on a woman is her brain. It’s more accessible than the g-spot and easier to find than the clitoris. Sexual pleasure for women is more than just a chemical response to physical stimulation. Appealing to her mind will excite her and enhance her pleasure.

  1. Ice, ice baby – alternate using the cold ice cube with your warm mouth. Awesome.
  2. Blindfolds – sex can become boring if there’s no psychology behind it. Blindfold her and play games.
  3. Naughty whispers – I love it when a man whispers something naughty in my ear when I’m in a crowd. Instant turn on.
  4. Sexy texting – because it leaves so much to the mind to interpret, a well time sext can really pique her interest.
  5. Sexy pictures – sexy pictures, like sexy texting, can really set the mood. Especially if it’s unanticipated.
  6. Talk to her – share what’s going on with you. Dig deep.
  7. Listen to her – ask her about herself and listen to her answers. Nothing sexier than a man who listens.
  8. Pay attention to the twins – I once had a man devote 30 whole minutes to them. It was heaven.
  9. Undress her – nothing is sexier than being undressed by your lover. I once had a man undress me and kiss my skin as he exposed it. Super sexy.
  10. Take your time – no need to rush. Enjoy the moments. Savor your bodies – the texture, the smell, the taste. Explore s l o w l y .
  11. Use both hands – really feel her body. Get to know it. Use both hands to explore her whole body. So sexy.
  12. Ask her what turns her on – see what she says. Chances are she’ll point you in at least one sexy direction.
  13. Massage her – I still get breathless thinking about the best massage I ever had. Don’t be afraid to make it X-rated.
  14. Make out on the couch, high school style – bring back the raging hormones of yesteryear with an old fashioned makeout sesh.
  15. Make out in the car, high school style – pull it into the garage if you’re self-conscious. Just try it like when we were kids.
  16. Kiss her neck – linger there. Nothing like a good kiss to the neck to make me quiver.
  17. Talk dirty to her – not porn dirty but erotica dirty. Read some good erotica for ideas.
  18. Spontaneous combustion – what happens when you touch her intimately and talk to her intimately when you’re in public and can’t do anything about it. Just let that desire begin its s l o w burn.

Tequila, tequila, tequila

photo-5While my sister was visiting, we had the brilliant idea of making margaritas at home.  I decided if we were having margaritas, we also needed to do shots and so I insisted we pick up a bottle of Patron to do shots with.

Now the thing you need to know about my sister and I growing up, is that she was the naughty one but I always got in trouble.  Somehow she always managed to skate free.  I claim that this is because I used to cover for her.  She claims she didn’t get in trouble because she was not naughty.  LIAR!

In any case, Lisa and I were about one deep in margaritas and two deep into shots when my sister asked me for another shot.

Sure thing.  Coming right up.

As I’m pouring it, my mom comes into the kitchen, looks at me and the tequila, and says, “Really Michelle?  Another one?” and walks out.

I’m left standing there feeling reprimanded and indignant.

I follow her.

“Just so you know, it’s for Lisa,” I tell her.

Yes, I was a tattletale.

But I felt a whole lot better and my inner child rejoiced for not being labeled the naughty one.

Just the enabler.

Ha ha!

[What I did after 2 shots of tequila and 2 margaritas is a different post]