The most flattering picture of me in the known universe

As I creep closer to 50, I find myself struggling harder against the signs of aging.

Perhaps it’s all in vain, but I can’t help myself.

I don’t want to look old before my time.

I want to look young, and firm and smooth!

So I’m getting my melasma removed via a very irritating process known as the Spectra Laser Peel.

It feels like a little electrical ZAP! going on right next to your skin and it’s hella annoying.

And by annoying, I mean slap-your-esthetician-annoying.

I have to lay on my hands to keep myself from swatting her hands away.

In any case, they first put a black carbon solution on your face like a mask which they then ZAP! away.

The nurse left the room after applying the mask and out of curiosity, I snapped a picture of what I looked like in the carbon mask.

And, as it turns out, I took the most flattering picture of me in the known universe:

And I’m just wondering, perhaps if I put this as my online dating profile picture, I’ll get some decent dates?

Nothing is sexier than a woman laying on a table, with a carbon mask on her face, eh?

So I met someone

michelleSo I met someone.

The very day I renewed my online profile at Match.com, I connected with “Rex.”

Rex is an Emergency Room RN.

In case you didn’t know, there are two nurses and two doctors in my immediate family so I am very familiar with the benefits and challenges of his career choice.

I got really excited when he talked about his pets.

I practically fell in love right then and there.

I just love me a man who loves animals.

We texted all night. He kept me up WAY PAST MY BEDTIME.

And I’m genuinely excited about meeting him.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been excited about a man.

But then he went and sent me a text message with a little heart and smiley face, and I freaked the fuck out.

A heart?

Yikes!

He is DEFINITELY available and is not holding back, that’s for sure.

So I’ve squelched the urge to bolt and am chilling out, enjoying our exchanges.

Plenty of time to freak out later, if it’s called for.

Right?

Yeast on the playa

white witchSo I’m chatting with my friend Heather about all things Burning Man. She is a working nurse at Burning Man so she’s seen it all and can advise me on what to bring and what to leave at home.

And her favorite things are:

  1. Vodka
  2. Tubs to wash my hair in (so it can be a community effort)
  3. Chapstick
  4. Cans of fruit
  5. Peanut butter
  6. Chips (salt tastes SO good there!),
  7. Books
  8. Bike fix kit (that I always get someone else to do for me)
  9. Paper to leave notes
  10. A cover sheet for my bed
  11. Lots of funky sun glasses
  12. At least one scarf for every day
  13. Full length mirror
  14. Gifts for friends new and old (usually necklaces),
  15. Baby wipes,
  16. Chairs
  17. A rug to put the chairs on
  18. Beautiful flowery hats
  19. Tons of vintage slips to wear during the day
  20. A foot bath set up with vinegar and rose water
  21. Delicious lotions
  22. Condoms
  23. Lube,
  24. Flashlights

And then she said something I wasn’t expecting:

“The playa is super alkali and we are pretty acidic, so it’s a recipe for a yeast infection. I always take a miconozole along just in case.”

What?! This is crucial information. I cannot have a pussy breakdown on the playa! This should be mandatory reading in The Guide to Surviving Burning Man.

MUST BRING YEAST INFECTION MEDICATION!

So I called up my doctor and asked for a prescription which she was only too happy to give me along with the advice, “It’s actually substandard hygiene practices that lead to a yeast infection.”

Mental note: Need to shower every other day, if possible.

Yeast on the playa

white witchSo I’m chatting with my friend Heather about all things Burning Man. She is a working nurse at Burning Man so she’s seen it all and can advise me on what to bring and what to leave at home.

And her favorite things are:

  1. Vodka
  2. Tubs to wash my hair in (so it can be a community effort)
  3. Chapstick
  4. Cans of fruit
  5. Peanut butter
  6. Chips (salt tastes SO good there!),
  7. Books
  8. Bike fix kit (that I always get someone else to do for me)
  9. Paper to leave notes
  10. A cover sheet for my bed
  11. Lots of funky sun glasses
  12. At least one scarf for every day
  13. Full length mirror
  14. Gifts for friends new and old (usually necklaces),
  15. Baby wipes,
  16. Chairs
  17. A rug to put the chairs on
  18. Beautiful flowery hats
  19. Tons of vintage slips to wear during the day
  20. A foot bath set up with vinegar and rose water
  21. Delicious lotions
  22. Condoms
  23. Lube,
  24. Flashlights

And then she said something I wasn’t expecting:

“The playa is super alkali and we are pretty acidic, so it’s a recipe for a yeast infection. I always take a miconozole along just in case.”

What?! This is crucial information. I cannot have a pussy breakdown on the playa! This should be mandatory reading in The Guide to Surviving Burning Man.

MUST BRING YEAST INFECTION MEDICATION!

So I called up my doctor and asked for a prescription which she was only too happy to give me along with the advice, “It’s actually substandard hygiene practices that lead to a yeast infection.”

Mental note: Need to shower every other day, if possible.