- Men wearing baseball caps that shade their face so I can’t see their features.
- Men wearing sunglasses in all their photos. I get it. You’re cool.
- Men who list all the things they don’t want instead of what they’re looking for.
- Flat brimmed baseball caps. Are you 12? Hipster.
- Emails that go nowhere.
- Men who post pictures with their ex’s face cropped out. Tacky.
- Pictures of men with models. Ugh. Modelizer!
- Men who take photos from so far away you can’t make out their face.
- Their, there, and they’re.
- Coffee dates. No.
- Men who list “no drama” in their profile. Liar!
- Messages that say “hi” and nothing else.
- Usernames like “lovestoeattacos” or “poundman.”
- The drinking with my buddies photo.
- Landscape profile photos. Why?
- Copied and pasted generic emails. You think we can’t tell? We can.
- Strange men instant messaging me. Yikes!
- Topless men. Really? Showoff.
- Any picture taken in the bathroom.
- Any picture taken while sitting in their car.
- Photos of their car. Oh, my bad! I have a pic of my truck in my profile. But it has a HEMI!
- Group shots.
- Photos of men posing with guns or shooting guns. NO!
- Wearing a beanie/hat in all his photos.
- Men who live 100+ miles away from you but who still email you. Pointless.
Tinder wants me back.
Clearly, I am a winner and they don’t want to lose me.
Or maybe they just need more women on Tinder.
Either way, they emailed me today to tell me I’m going to DISAPPEAR if I don’t log in soon.
Just like that.
I will disappear.
The app that gave me The Former Mormon, the guy who LOVES TO EAT TACOS, and the cretin who moved his glass so that he “could see my tits better.”
Thanks, but no thanks.
Actually, in honesty it hasn’t been all bad.
I made three friends through Tinder – Will, The Swede, and Nathan.
So it’s not like I’ve had a dreadful time.
It’s just that Tinder is so REPETITIVE.
I feel like, for the most part, I’m having the same date with a slightly different guy at my usual hangout where I am sure they must think I’m a dating FIEND given all the dates I’ve taken there.
So I guess you’re wondering, given that The Swede in all likelihood will not make it to California for the holiday break, am I even TEMPTED to get back online to meet men?
And the answer to that is a resounding, reverberating, echoing NO!
Not in this lifetime.
I’ve just done it enough to realize that for the most part people who online date like to play the field and I’m sick of going on first dates that lead nowhere.
Physically, my dates are present.
Emotionally, they’re closed off.
I’m not sure how I will wind up going on dates, but one thing is sure.
I am DONE with Tinder.
I have no business dating.
I came to this realization just the other day as I deleted ALL THE ONLINE DATING APPS off my phone.
I can’t BEAR to meet any more men.
Sure, I’ve met a bunch of louses lately and that’s coloring my opinion of men.
But intuitively, I know there are good ones out there.
I hired a life coach a few years ago and he used to tell me that what you attract is a reflection of yourself and if that’s true then I’m a GOD AWFUL MESS and have NO BUSINESS DATING.
If you look at my life you will notice:
- I live with my parents. Granted, dad is blind and mom has a heart condition so staying with them also helps them out, but I’m a soon-to-be 44 year old who lives with Mom and Dad. Le sigh.
- My finances are a wreck. Hopefully the downward spiral has completed and I am on my way up and out of the hole I dug for myself.
- I’m an admin. Yes, I plan events and my title is Program Assistant, but as far as my employer is concerned, I’m an admin.
- Not much of a career unless you count 14 years at a prestigious university as a career. But see #3 above.
- I have a pretty diverse sexual history which makes me unsuitable for MOST vanilla men. They either assume I’m a nymphomaniac or that I’m easy when I am neither. It doesn’t help that I’m still unsettled when it comes to my sexuality. I’m not sure what I want.
- My health is not at its best. Which is a polite way of saying I need to lose weight. As much as I like my curves, they are getting curvier than I like. I’m working on fixing it but I’ve got a long way to go.
- I’m not perfect. Yes, I know no one is perfect but in several ways, I am inherently flawed. If I could wish these flaws away, I would but sadly they are here to stay and require medication.
- I can’t even keep my room clean, for fuck’s sake! I mean REALLY! Who can’t keep their room clean after the age of 25? People who shouldn’t be dating, that’s who! If you can’t keep a tidy room then how can you maintain a relationship?
Maybe I’m being hard on myself.
Maybe I’m in better shape than I think.
This moment right now?
I’m just completely FRUSTRATED with myself. (I was going to say DISGUSTED but that seems a bit extreme, don’t you think?)
So my profiles are deleted and the dating apps are gone.
I have officially given up.
I have no business dating.
So, I’m on a new dating website – SLS.
The emphasis is more on hooking up and less on making that “ONE MAGICAL” connection.
And so far, I kinda like it.
It’s like Tinder, but with less subterfuge.
Less subterfuge than TINDER???
Is this even possible?
One man instantly asked me if he could come over the next morning to fuck.
Clearly, he does not understand the safety precautions a middle aged, sexually-active woman needs to take to keep herself safe from harm in 2018.
But this man is the exception to the rule.
Most of the men I meet online through SLS are thoughtful, well-written, and funny.
In fact, I daresay I’ve met a better quality of men on SLS than I ever met on POF or Match.
Sure there was the one eager beaver I encountered.
There was also a guy who proposed we go out into the wilderness to fool around.
Again, safety issues come to mind.
I don’t want my bones found by hunters 30 years from now on a hillside because I walked into a forest with the wrong man.
Not fucking likely to do that!
But then there are a host of single guys just looking for company.
Yes, their expectation is that eventually it will become adult company.
But I’m okay with that.
How is that any different than what I’ve got going on anyway?
At least this is honest.
I have been back online for less than a week and already my inbox is flush with emails.
Ironically, I seem to be meeting a lot of military men.
Men who work in security.
First responders and police officers.
These men are pretty straight and narrow – no drugs (good) and no alcohol (how do they do it?).
It’s ironic isn’t it, that I seem to attract men who are quite the opposite of myself.
I’m a rather creative type.
Always working on a new costume, writing a blog post, or off living an adventure.
For goodness sake, I attend Burning Man, an experimental temporary community in the Nevada desert filled with alternative art, music and entertainment.
I can’t complain too much, though.
I find the discipline that these men exhibit very attractive.
For a flighty type like myself, I benefit from being paired with someone who is a rock and can help me tether myself to the ground while still enjoying my creative tendencies.
I can’t help but wonder though if my passions, creativity and lack of structure will ultimately prove incompatible with a disciplined lifestyle.
Or perhaps if we might fill a mutual void in each other’s lives and balance ourselves out.
Opposites attract, they say.
One of the reasons I like Coke Can Dan so much apart from his obvious talent, is that he is a liberal lumberjack.
You all know I like lumberjacks.
And lumberjacks are easy to come by.
But liberal lumberacks?
Not so easy.
Gun-toting, Trump-supporting, conservative lumberjacks are a dime a dozen.
I could go through them as fast as I go through Kleenex during a head cold.
Case in point – I met a man online who looked quite good on paper.
Interested in a relationship?
But then I took a closer look at his profile pics.
And he is standing at a gun range, reloading a gun, wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat.
This is what pushes me off internet dating in the first place.
My tendency to meet men who are totally and completely inappropriate for me.
Could I ever date a Trump supporter?
There are fundamental things I believe in like basic human rights, the environment, health care, women’s rights, and a foreign policy that doesn’t involve being the pawn of Russia which I consider incompatible with the Trump platform.
I could listen to Coke Can Dan talk about his dislike of Trump FOR HOURS.
Or wax poetic on how important it is to protect our environment.
So of course when I’m online looking at profiles, I’m trying to find someone like Coke Can Dan.
A liberal lumberjack.
An open-minded hipster.
Just so long as he hates Donald Trump, the minority-elected president of this great nation.
For a minute I forgot myself and I got back online to see who has been checking me out on Plenty of Fish.
And the answer is MANY MEN.
I had over 30 emails but as I scanned them, none of them were appropriate.
So I poked around a bit and found one guy I liked.
Likes the outdoors?
Likes curvy girls?
Actually, in his profile he specifically requested “petite” women.
So there you have it.
My foray into online dating lasted FIVE WHOLE MINUTES before I came to my senses and closed the browser window.
Sure, I like an athletic guy as much as the next woman, but I also like men sporting the “dad bod.”
Am I the only one out there who thinks that all bodies are beautiful?
I suppose if you know your preference is small and petite then it’s best you state that outright in your profile and not waste anyone’s time.
I have a tendency to be attracted to big tall “lumberjack” men.
But I don’t put that in my profile because, honestly, personality counts.
Two of my last four boyfriends have been anti-type.
All this goes to say that it took less than five minutes for me to realize why I got off internet dating in the first place.
Want to know the cure for insanity?
Five minutes on Plenty of Fish.
I think it’s safe to say that POF is promoting my defunct dating profile.
How do I know?
Suddenly my inbox was inundated with POF likes and messages, the likes of which I’ve never seen before.
It’s a shame that when you “retire” your online dating profile, it doesn’t get officially retired.
Such a waste of time and energy.
Ironically, I had to check out one.
His name was Leatherman.
I was curious, would he be the outdoorsy type or the BDSM type?
So I clicked.
And. . .
As it turns out, NEITHER.
Guess what Leatherman is into?
I went ahead and changed my Match.com profile to THIS.
And ever since I did, my “phone” has been ringing off the hook.
One guy called my profile refreshing.
Another man apologized for all the creeps out there.
And yet another referred to my profile as “honest and funny.”
So far so good.
I haven’t received any dick pics or any requests for guys to “cum in my ass” so that’s a plus!
Maybe this profile will filter out the majority of the sex perverts and unavailable men.
One can hope.
Because I’ve met Bob.
Bob is a big guy. Heavily tattooed. With a nice trim beard.
Exactly what I look for, no?
Well, we shall see.
He did text me at 5 O’CLOCK IN THE FUCKING MORNING.
Just to let me know he was up.
These are the things I DON’T NEED TO KNOW.
Not at 5 o’clock in the morning, anyways.
Despite his unfortunate lack of sensibility when it comes to early morning communications, I like Bob.
He seems like a nice guy, albeit an intimidating one what with his LANDSCAPE of tattoos.
Wish me luck!
Do you know what I find disheartening about internet dating?
Apart from the cum shots, requests for nude photos, and first dates?
The emphasis on looks.
Doesn’t everyone realize we are all in the process of losing our looks and that all we’ll have to keep us company in our twilight years is the personality of someone we fell in love with?
Oh, don’t get me wrong, I look at pictures as much as the next person.
But I also read their profile.
And I shun the illiterate ones and embrace the well spoken ones.
Well, the latest guy I have been messaging is obsessed with how I look.
A young Cybil Shepherd, he says.
Yes, I’ve heard that before and thank you for the compliment.
But the fact is I am a 43 year old woman who is not getting any younger and if he really knew me, then he’d know that how I look is the least of what makes me attractive.
He made me go through each of my 21 profile pictures and tell him how long ago they were taken.
We’ll, 50% of them were takes 3 -5 years ago.
And the other 50% were current.
The whole process was rather appalling.
And I simply can’t handle his gushing.
Oh don’t worry, I’m not going to stand him up.
I’m going to lie and say I’ve met someone else.
It’s a harmless little lie that preserves his ego while simultaneously giving me an excuse to NO GO OUT WITH HIM.
Pretty, my ass.
STFU and pay attention to what matters!