Latin lover

I want to date a Spaniard.

Or maybe a man from South America.

The bottom line is, I am ready to meet a sexy Latin lover.

Why am I talking like this?

Well, I met a hot, sexy Latin man last week and ever since then I’ve been dreaming about the possibilities.

I’m not without my own Latin man experiences.

My father was born in South America and immigrated to the US when he was young.

So I’m used to having impassioned, strong-willed, masculine men in my life.

Maybe this guy will ask me out and I’ll get a chance to sample the pleasures of dating a Latin man.

Maybe he won’t.

The bottom line is my bucket list is sadly lacking in this department and I intend to remedy this.

Right away.

Starting with finding a sexy Latin man to date.

Watch out Tinder, ‘cuz I’m coming for you. . .

SMH

The other night I tried to line up a booty call.

But no one could play.

That is to say, everyone I contacted was so far away it was prohibitive.

Le sigh.

I sent out a bunch of text messages.

Some of you may have gotten a text message from me.

You know who you are.

This was my attempt (and a poor one at that) to arrange a booty call for Saturday night.

This is par for the course with me.

Every time I think I’m going to cut loose and just enjoy myself something happens to throw a wrench in the works.

Now, more than ever I need to make LOCAL friends.

The kind that live 10 minutes from me, preferably.

I have one new friend in my town.

Sadly, he’s gone for the holidays and won’t be back until December 3rd.

I did go online and met another single man who lives in my area.

We are supposed to have a date tonight.

So we shall see how that develops.

Changing my profile pic on Tinder has certainly upped the ante when it comes to dates.

I’m starting to wonder if we aren’t all online looking for hookups and thinking maybe something will come of it, instead of everyone being online looking for a LTR and finding FWB instead.

This is my new approach to dating, and one that I think my photographer-friend heartily approves of.

Looking for a FWB and stumbling across a LTR by accident.

SMH (which by the way, means Shaking My Head and NOT SEX MIGHT HELP).

Just FYI!

Bathing in sunblock

Ever since I put THIS picture up on Tinder, I’ve been getting a ton of emails from men.

Among the responses, I got two dick pics.

Now, I’m not going to complain because that would just be silly.

Put a provocative picture out there, expect to get provocative pictures back.

That’s the rules folks.

I put the bait in the water, I shouldn’t be surprised when I catch a corresponding fish.

So I’m not writing this to complain about dick pics.

No.

One such “fish” is from Germany.

Quite a sexy beast too.

A private pilot who flies corporate jets for a living.

Now, I’ve been warned about pilots.

So I asked him, “ARE YOU MARRIED?”

He told me “Recently separated.”

Right-O.

I’ll bet his wife doesn’t know this!

Anyway, at best I’ve made a few sext partners through this photo.

At worst I’ll have to fend off some groping hands on a date.

All in all, I’m pretty happy to have found some new blood to keep me entertained.

The German Pilot asked me to send a current photo, so I obliged.

He doesn’t think I look 46 years old.

He says I look like I’m in my 20s.

[NOTE:  He may be referring to pictures I sent that had other body parts besides my face.]

I had to politely explain that I virtually bathe in sunblock every day.

Personally, I think I look my age give or take only about 5 years or so.

And I’m okay with that.

Growing old is a luxury denied to many.

But I thank my lucky stars that I worked in a spa in my 20s and was advised to wear sunblock every day.

As for The German Pilot, he can go home to his “recently-separated” wife and “reconcile.”

I learned my lesson with Stargazer.

No married men.

Put ’em up!

I went and did something crazy.

I took a provocative photo of myself and uploaded it to Tinder and the response has been explosive!

It’s a picture of me, in a fake police officer hat and black lingerie.

I remember being impressed with the picture when I took it and it’s one I share with “special” friends.

You know who you are.

I also occasionally post it to unblunder.

For having no nudity, it sure is a fun picture.

I guess it shows off my playful side.

As if the burner pics of me in faux fur, purple hair, and costumes don’t ALREADY say I’m fun, this definitely reinforces it.

I think it also appeals to all the subby men who’d like to get “arrested” and “taken away” by a hot police officer.

One guy asked what costumes I have in my collection.

The more appropriate question is what costumes DON’T I have in my collection.

Anyway, Tinder has been crazy fun the last few days and I’m just amused as all get up that the response to the picture has been so swift and strong.

I think maybe I’ll post THIS one next. . .

JUST KIDDING!

Working the numbers

I ran into a man I dated today.

He and I work at the same company, though in different buildings, and we somehow managed to not run into each other in the 6 years since we dated.

He looked great and it was nice to see him.

He recognized me and came over to talk.

He’s married now.

To the woman he stopped dating me for which (ironically) I found very comforting.

It sucks to be dropped but when someone meets The One, it’s understandable.

So we caught up.

All is well in his neck of the woods.

And all is well with me.

We discussed internet dating for a while.

We met on Match which is where he met his wife.

I’ve heard one in eight marriages start online.

Maybe even more now.

His take on internet dating:  it’s a numbers name and you need thick skin to play but you can meet the person of your dreams online if you’re patient and thorough.

So I’m not feeling so bad that I’m already back online meeting men through Tinder.

In fact, I’m feeling optimistic about my date tomorrow with The Airman.

The Airman is in the military and had traveled all over the world but is originally from New Jersey, a state I’ve never been to.

All his kids are college age and older so he’s in the same boat as me:  getting ready to retire and travel.

Wish me luck!

I may not be thick skinned but I’m definitely working the numbers.

Feeling good as hell

A month has passed since I got ghosted.

Not once, but twice.

The first one got busy and just fell away.

The second one got busy and blocked me.

In the days since this happened, I’ve had time to reflect.

Time to wonder what the hell is going on and if I should really take it personally.

Do I (emphasis on the I) need a time out?

Is there something going on with ME?

Ultimately, I think ghosting says more about the ghoster than the ghostee.

It says, “I can’t face our incompatibility head on so I’m just going to be indifferent.”

That’s the NICE version of what I think it means.

Because I also think it means, “I’m self-absorbed and can’t communicate my feelings like an adult.”

The good news is that I didn’t take the ghosting personally.

Oh sure, my feelings were hurt for a hot minute, but also?

I took some time to reflect on what a bad ass bitch I really am and I’m feeling GOOD AS HELL.

Without a man.

Between my friends Michelle, Barbara and Nadine, and my sister, I’ve built quite a support structure around myself and what could have been a real setback emotionally for me has turned out to be a blip in an otherwise pleasant 2019.

Part of me blames the online dating culture for the rudeness that runs rampant on dating sites now.

It’s so easy to just drop someone and move on when you have a deck of cards on your device with people eager to meet you.

However, as I reflect on this, I’m just as easily reminded that this is also why I am feeling fine.

Because I too have a deck of cards on my device and a new love interest is only a swipe away.

Which is why I’ve deleted my profile and the Tinder app.

Maybe I’ll go back to it.

Who can say?

But for now, I’m feeling good, strong, and powerful and I don’t need a crutch to carry me through the tough times.

I can do that all by myself (with a little help from my friends) <3.

Writer’s block

It’s THE WORST!

It’s not like I have nothing to write about, it’s that I don’t FEEL like writing about what’s on my mind.

Thus my struggle.

Instead of writing about my thoughts and feelings, I’m going to write a post about internet dating.

Namely things I’ve noticed in people’s profiles that send up a red flag and make me swipe left.

To begin with, anyone who attended THE SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS.

Got news for you pal, EVERYONE has gone to that school.

Oh sure, maybe a sparklepony somewhere is living a charmed life, but overall, NO ONE GETS OUT UNSCATHED.

It makes me worry a bit when you tell me that’s your alma mater.

Pass.

Second thing:  Men who post every photo of themselves in sunglasses.

Call me crazy but I like to see a person’s eyes.

It’s the only way to tell the difference between smiling and smirking.

And I’m not one for the latter.

I like genuine smiles.

Third:  Single. No kids. Never been married.

Why, you may wonder?

Because in my experience those are the people who have been so picky in the past that no one makes them happy and you’re certainly not going to break that streak for them.

I trust the person who has tried and failed and knows the stresses and strains of having a family.

And another:  Anyone with my ex-husband’s first name.

It’s not that I dislike him, it’s that I don’t like to be REMINDED of him.

I know, totally unfair but do you want to date someone with the same name as your ex?

FINALLY:  Uses a celebrity’s photo as their profile pic.

I really don’t understand this.

If you’re not the person in the photo, don’t use the photo.

People who hide their photos are hiding something else too and I’m not down with that.

Le duh.

STOP IT

My friend Tom, who I’ve written about here is now happily dating a fabulous woman.

He wrote a powerful blog post about his previous roller coaster relationship and it’s worth the read just to have sentences like:

“Chiseling away at the rotten foundations of something keeping an entire reservoir of crap I needed to let go of” and

“Hey, didn’t you see that red flag?  The one you just went flying right by?”

and

“Trainwrecks are exciting too.  Do you want to live on one?”

drop like bombs into your psyche and resonate with your own twisted relationship experiences.

I sent Tom this video to watch because STOP IT is the first thing I think of when someone tells me that they’re afraid of sabotaging their wonderful NEW relationship:

Of course, what with me skipping out on meeting the new guy’s family, Tom had a choice video to send to me as well:

My new friendship is so balanced and healthy, I’m unsure what to do with myself and FOR SURE I’m afraid to leap in with both feet.

But it’s not because I’m enjoying my perfect image of him in my head right now.

No.

It’s because I’m afraid if he digs a little further and I open up he’ll realize that I’m damaged and won’t want me any more.

Of course, that’s just an irrational fear I have that I will need to get over.

With the new guy or anyone else who comes along.

I’m rather good at confronting my fears:  sailing, flying airplanes, racing cars, learning to OM, running with the bulls, etc.

So I don’t anticipate this will be a HUGE impossible hurdle for me and the new guy to get over.

It looks like I need to just take some of my own medicine and just STOP IT and enjoy myself.

“No LTR”

To all the men using online dating websites to meet women and write “Not looking for a LTR” in their profile, I have one thing to say to you:

WHY?

Why are you online AT ALL?!

Clearly you are so unfit for a relationship that you even recognize it yourself and yet you insist on putting yourself out there AS IF YOU ARE AVAILABLE with a disclaimer that you think somehow lets you off the hook for whatever damage you cause.

I don’t care how good looking you are.

I don’t care what kind of a car you drive.

Or how diversified your investment holdings are.

YOU SHOULD NOT BE ON AN ONLINE DATING WEBSITE!

There are good men out there.

Decent men who have everything you have only they’re not raving about how wonderful they are while at the same time swearing a little loudly and profanely that there’s no way you could be wonderful enough to make them want a LTR.

I’ve got news for you.

I am that kind of wonderful but you’ll never know.

Because I don’t date ASSHOLES anymore.

And I ESPECIALLY don’t date assholes who think slapping a disclaimer on their ASSHOLENESS absolves them of any responsibility in the dating world.

So you can take your disclaimer and shove it up your middle-aged, hairy ass.

That is all.

Online Dating Pet Peeves

michelleEvery time I think I should get back online and date, I’m reminded why I went offline. My latest edition of Online Dating Pet Peeves:

  1. Men wearing baseball caps that shade their face so I can’t see their features.
  2. Men wearing sunglasses in all their photos. I get it. You’re cool.
  3. Men who list all the things they don’t want instead of what they’re looking for.
  4. Flat brimmed baseball caps. Are you 12? Hipster.
  5. Emails that go nowhere.
  6. Men who post pictures with their ex’s face cropped out. Tacky.
  7. Pictures of men with models. Ugh. Modelizer!
  8. Men who take photos from so far away you can’t make out their face.
  9. Their, there, and they’re.
  10. Coffee dates. No.
  11. Men who list “no drama” in their profile. Liar!
  12. Messages that say “hi” and nothing else.
  13. Usernames like “lovestoeattacos” or “poundman.”
  14. The drinking with my buddies photo.
  15. Landscape profile photos. Why?
  16. Copied and pasted generic emails. You think we can’t tell? We can.
  17. Strange men instant messaging me. Yikes!
  18. Topless men. Really? Showoff.
  19. Any picture taken in the bathroom.
  20. Any picture taken while sitting in their car.
  21. Photos of their car. Oh, my bad! I have a pic of my truck in my profile. But it has a HEMI!
  22. Group shots.
  23. Photos of men posing with guns or shooting guns. NO!
  24. Wearing a beanie/hat in all his photos.
  25. Men who live 100+ miles away from you but who still email you. Pointless.