Sometimes I say the STRANGEST things

As it happens, online shopping may be a more EFFICIENT way of shopping, but it certainly leads to more debacles.

Case in point, my BROWN LATEX DRESS purchase.

And now, my burgundy mandala kimono purchase.

It arrived in the mail, after being sent all the way from China, I suspect.

I intended for it to be the feature item in this outfit for the burn:

However upon inspection, it was less BURGUNDY and more ORANGE.

And not like a sunset orange, more like a MECONIUM orange.

For those of you who don’t know, meconium is the substance that comes out of a baby when it takes its first poop. When this happens in utero, it stains the baby orange.

Not pretty.

So now I have a meconium orange stained mandala kimono to wear to the burn.


So I scrambled online (again).

Because I NEVER learn my lesson.

I used ShopStyle, a sort of warehouse for mainstream online fashion shopping, and found two kimonos which I felt would replace the orange one quite nicely.

Much better, no?

But I’ll tell you this:

I had to sort through a lot of yucky and boring looking kimonos in order to find what I was looking for.

And (lucky for me) I also found a nice pink kimono/robe to go with my Pink Burner Bunny outfit.

Because it might get cold in Sacramento for the Pagan Bunny Burn and if so, I will be appreciative of having another layer to keep me warm over my tutu and corset.

You probably don’t know this, since you don’t wear a tutu with a corset unless you’re a ballerina (or a burner) but they’re actually NOT THAT WARM!

Sometimes, I say the STRANGEST things. . .

Sh*t Brown

Remember my GENIUS idea of wearing a pink latex dress to the Valentine’s Pub Crawl?

Yeah, one of my LESS THAN BRILLIANT ideas, as it turns out.

The dress actually DID arrive in the mail and lo and behold, it was this shitty brown color.


I might have known better, had I actually scoped out the website a little more.

They uploaded a picture of a hot looking older broad in the dress and it is CLEARLY not pink.

It’s this yucky porto potty soupy brown.

Yeah, you know what I’m talking about!

So here I am, stuck with a dress I CLEARLY will never wear.

I’m wondering if my local Goodwill will raise their eyebrows if I bring in a shit brown latex dress?

You know, it’s moments like these I realize what stores are for and why internet shopping sometimes SUCKS!

That is all.

A faster way to spend money

I finally broke down and bought an Echo off of Amazon.

I bought it for one reason and one reason only.

I want to be able to turn my lights on and off with my voice.

That’s about it.

Oh, it’s cool to play music and ask Alexa the time or the weather forecast, but what I’m truly after is voice control lighting.

Tejas and Yvonne have Alexa in their homes.

She can do cool things like set timers, play any song you request, control your thermostat, etc.

Personally, I want to set her up to give me compliments.

“That dress looks SMASHING on you!”

“Have you lost weight?”

“You’re having a GREAT hair day today.”

In that respect, she’ll be a like a surrogate husband, making me feel attractive and sexy.

But Alexa is also a wife.

Because do you know what else she can do?

She can interface with Amazon and order things for you.

Voice activated online shopping.

Just what I need.

A faster way to spend money.


I love to camp, which is ironic considering my parents never took me camping.

My father actually thinks it’s a ridiculous past time.

Little does he know.

My first camping trip was with my friends Albert and Barry and my then BFF (now sister-in-law) Robin when I was in college.

I got busted for posing topless in the water, I remember.

In any case, I’ve sold my tent trailer Dolly so it’s time to pull out my super big Insta-tent Pete for UnSCruz.

The one thing I’ve never mastered with respect to camping is how to keep it cheap.  I know camping is SUPPOSED to be cheap, but somehow I always fall woefully short of it.

For instance, I have $567.89 worth of groceries in my Safeway online cart [the one thing you should know about me is that I don’t go grocery shopping myself if I can help it].

That’s for 3 – 4 people and includes a case of beer, 750 ml of single barrel whiskey, 750 ml of fine rum, 3.5 L of vodka, 3.5 L of gin, and a 3L box of red wine.


It also includes dinners of steak and potatoes and spaghetti with meatballs in a homemade pasts sauce.


It’s because I have all this time on my hands to plan things out and work on them.

And as if the food and drink isn’t enough, I’m planning a little surprise for my campmates:

A Bloody Mary bar with all the fixings!

But why stop there?

I figured out I could also make Aviator cocktails, Gin fizzes, Mimosas, French 75s, and Screwdrivers with just a few extra ingredients.

Have you heard of Amarena cherries?

OMG, they’re heavenly little spheres of happiness and make a delicious finish at the bottom of an Aviator cocktail!

Of course, all these cocktails require accessories:

  1. Measuring glasses
  2. Bar spoon
  3. Cocktail glasses (acrylic)
  4. Champagne flutes (acrylic)
  5. High ball glasses (acrylic)
  6. Plates and bowls to put the fixings in
  7. Tray for display purposes
  8. Stainless steel cocktail shaker
  9. Skewers
  10. Ice buckets


To the tune of $327.85 in my Amazon basket.

Of course I haven’t BOUGHT anything yet.

I’m waiting to see if my inner Martha Stewart/ Type A/ Overachiever settles down a little.

It also occurred to me that I could go to Goodwill to get all my accessories.

But that would require me to shop.  In a store.  In person.

And we all know I JUST DON’T DO THAT!

Camping at Stanislaus with my friends and my dog Mac (RIP sweet boy)


Go Bare!

Yesterday, a package arrive in the mail for me.

It was the dress I ordered for my demon costume – a clingy black number with mesh sleeves.

I picked up the dress and fluffed in out and to my surprise I noticed that THE ENTIRE TOP OF THE DRESS IS MESH, NOT JUST THE SLEEVES AND NECK.

Now, I did not realize this because the model in the picture is wearing some sort of black bra that disguises the fact that THE ENTIRE TOP OF THE DRESS IS MESH.

Screen Shot 2016-02-03 at 2.31.58 PMAfter my initial freak out, I started to come up with solutions.

The first one being DON’T SHOP FOR CLOTHES ONLINE!

Then I began to think about my lovely lingerie collection and how I can wear my gorgeous back Italian bra with the sexy lace straps under the dress.

Or how I can wear my “barely there” bra which is little more than a strip of underwire and a few straps.

The question is…. HOW SHEER AM I WILLING TO GO?

Of course, I can always get a camisole to wear under the dress, but that would defeat the purpose now, wouldn’t it.

I asked myself, what would a demon do?

And the answer was…

Go bare!