I went to Burning Man and all I got was this FUCKING BABY!*



Instead of seeing art, you will spend an inordinate amount of time on your back trying uselessly to impregnate yourself.

I say “USELESSLY” because we all know how important it is to use condoms when one is engaging in CASUAL SEX without any other form of birth control.

I am not on birth control for one reason: it takes the THREAT OF AN 18 YEAR COMMITMENT to make me INSIST on using condoms.

I RARELY fudge it.

But fudge it I do sometimes.

Which is why I can say with a little shock and dismay. . .

. . .I’m late.

Way late.

The WHOLE reason I am writing this post is because I AM SURE THAT IF I POST IT, I WILL NOT BE PREGNANT.

It’s the whole Murphy’s Law thing and me, again.

If I write it, it won’t come to fruition.

If I don’t write it, it will.

THE LAST FUCKING THING I WANT IN THIS UNIVERSE is to be a 43 year old pregnant woman.

Or, God forbid, to have gotten pregnant at Burning Man.

I went to Burning Man and all I got was this FUCKING BABY!*

‘Nuff said.


*I’m DEFINITELY NOT PREGNANT.  Still no period, though. Perimenopause SUCKS the BIG ONE!





Get a Clue

michelleWith all the apps out there I’m not surprised that there’s one to track your period.

Exciting stuff, I know!

I just started using the app “Clue” to monitor my periods.

Seeing as how I’m not on birth control OR paying any attention whatsoever to my periods, I am always SURPRISED when they arrive and INTERRUPT my fun.

Now I have an app that warns me that my period is coming, which is much better than going to the bathroom and getting a SURPRISE.

Clue also has a feature where it tells you when you’re approaching your “FERTILE WINDOW.”

Now personally, I’d like to get a HUGE PSYCHEDELIC SIGN notifying me that I’m ovulating and to WATCH THE FUCK OUT!

But no. I simply get a little button that reads “2 days to F.W.”

At 42 do I still have a FERTILE WINDOW?!?!

FUCK ME, I suppose that I do.

Personally, I think it’d be great if all the men that I play with could just get vasectomies.

Why put all the birth control pressure on me? Why not get a little snip snip and end the conversation?

Mind you, I’m a bit of a wild child and I don’t mind living on the edge.

But if I get pregnant AGAIN (for the 7th time) the baby better come out with a nanny attached.

‘Nuf said.