DO NOT GO TO BURNING MAN WHEN YOU ARE OVULATING AND EXPECT TO SEE ART.
Instead of seeing art, you will spend an inordinate amount of time on your back trying uselessly to impregnate yourself.
I say “USELESSLY” because we all know how important it is to use condoms when one is engaging in CASUAL SEX without any other form of birth control.
I am not on birth control for one reason: it takes the THREAT OF AN 18 YEAR COMMITMENT to make me INSIST on using condoms.
I RARELY fudge it.
But fudge it I do sometimes.
Which is why I can say with a little shock and dismay. . .
. . .I’m late.
The WHOLE reason I am writing this post is because I AM SURE THAT IF I POST IT, I WILL NOT BE PREGNANT.
It’s the whole Murphy’s Law thing and me, again.
If I write it, it won’t come to fruition.
If I don’t write it, it will.
THE LAST FUCKING THING I WANT IN THIS UNIVERSE is to be a 43 year old pregnant woman.
Or, God forbid, to have gotten pregnant at Burning Man.
I went to Burning Man and all I got was this FUCKING BABY!*
*I’m DEFINITELY NOT PREGNANT. Still no period, though. Perimenopause SUCKS the BIG ONE!
With all the apps out there I’m not surprised that there’s one to track your period.
Exciting stuff, I know!
I just started using the app “Clue” to monitor my periods.
Seeing as how I’m not on birth control OR paying any attention whatsoever to my periods, I am always SURPRISED when they arrive and INTERRUPT my fun.
Now I have an app that warns me that my period is coming, which is much better than going to the bathroom and getting a SURPRISE.
Clue also has a feature where it tells you when you’re approaching your “FERTILE WINDOW.”
Now personally, I’d like to get a HUGE PSYCHEDELIC SIGN notifying me that I’m ovulating and to WATCH THE FUCK OUT!
But no. I simply get a little button that reads “2 days to F.W.”
At 42 do I still have a FERTILE WINDOW?!?!
FUCK ME, I suppose that I do.
Personally, I think it’d be great if all the men that I play with could just get vasectomies.
Why put all the birth control pressure on me? Why not get a little snip snip and end the conversation?
Mind you, I’m a bit of a wild child and I don’t mind living on the edge.
But if I get pregnant AGAIN (for the 7th time) the baby better come out with a nanny attached.