A diet I don’t hate

I’ve officially been on my diet for over a week.

In the first week I dropped 10.2 pounds and 4 inches.

That’s a lot of water weight and the equivalent of a little over a gallon of milk (which weighs approximately 8.6 pounds).

I’ve been exercising regularly and I must admit I’m feeling better than I have in a long time.

I’m energetic and I’m productive.

I don’t lay around my bedroom, watching movies like I used to.

I’m up and at it, making presents for friends (like a quilt), hiking in the hills, playing piano (learning Hey Jude) and practicing my Swedish (vad gör du).

I’ve even started going through my drawers and eliminating things that no longer serve a purpose in my life.

Like panties that are too large.

Or too small.

I eliminated a bunch of g-strings because whoah, do I have junk in my trunk.

No one needs to see that on display!

LOL, I’m more of a boyshort kinda gal anyway.

Pretty soon, I get to look forward to buying new clothes to fit my new body and I’m SO looking forward to that!

I literally can’t wait to reach a standard size and have regular clothes fit me.

It has occurred to me, now that I’m eating to recharge my body and not to entertain myself, that I was killing myself slowly with food.

Well not anymore.

I’ve learned portion size and how to eat small frequent meals that are healthy and nutritious to ward off hunger and stay hydrated.

The one thing I’m REALLY pleased about is that I’m not ever really hungry.

I HATE being hungry and I’m so relieved that on this plan I seldom experience hunger the way I have in the past.

No wonder everyone hates diets.

But this is no simple diet.

It’s a lifestyle reorganization plan.

And it’s working splendidly.

 

P.S. I plan to celebrate my journey with new boudoir photos.  Nothing like a non-food reward to motivate me and keep me engaged!

Secret

I want to let you in on a little secret.

When going out on dates, I often wear SPANX to give me a smoother silhouette.

Yes, it’s true.

Nothing like a pair of hold-you-in panties to give you that sleek, svelte outline you want.

As much as I love my SPANX, I also hate them.

They’re a BITCH to take off and they’re not exactly pretty to look at.

So I’ve developed a trick.

When I want to go past second base on a date, I will excuse myself, go to the restroom, remove my SPANX and put on a pair of really sexy knickers.

Well, the other day I was out on a date and we retreated to his house.

I excused myself, went to the bathroom, and removed my SPANX.

But I forgot my sexy pair of knickers so I was stuck going commando. . .

. . .which he discovered (shocking!).

And now, I’m not quite sure if I should admit to him that I wear SPANX and forgot my panties or if I should just let him think I’m a strumpet who doesn’t wear panties on dates.

Decisions, decisions!

Spank me

I do not have a daddy complex.

I’ve never yelled “Daddy!” while in the throes of passion.

It always seemed counterproductive to bring my fathers into the mix.

I know of at least one boyfriend who wouldn’t have minded.

But enough about ex-boyfriends, more on sexual inclinations.

So, I don’t have a daddy complex but I have something close.

I have a schoolgirl complex.

That’s right.

Maybe it’s from NINE years of wearing schoolgirl uniforms at private school growing up.

Maybe I can blame it on Britney Spears.

Whatever caused it, I can honestly say that I’m about to delve DEEP INTO IT for Burning Man 2019.

Because yours truly has just gone and bought not one but TWO pleated plaid schoolgirl mini skirts.

One in purple.

One in red.

I’m thrilled that I found this new source of inspiration and I’m totally excited about wearing these skirts on the playa.

I hope someone offers to spank me!

Ooohhh. . . speaking of which I’ll need some nice panties to match, just in case.

Panty Raid

I have a huge lingerie collection – upwards of 7 drawers full of bras, garter belts, panties, bustiers, corsets, stockings, bodysuits, and chemises.  And that’s not including the costumes…

It’s impressive, even by Victoria’s Secret standards.

Periodically, I run out of space in my bureaus and I have to pare down some of my collection.

The black panty with the red lace heart window and garters always stays.

costume2

As a woman, I have tiers of lingerie – levels of cotton, lace, and satin which increase in sexiness as you go up.  It’s a so-called pyramid of lingerie.

At the bottom of the pyramid is the period underwear.  These pairs are so bad that no one is allowed to see us in them.  They can sometimes be stained, occasionally stretched out, and definitely not anything you want to be caught dead in.  You wear these when you’re feeling gross and bloated.

The next level is the comfortable lingerie – these are your plain cotton panties, your Fruit-of-the-Looms, your gym underwear.  They’re your business underwear – all work, no play.  When you want to be comfortable you wear these.  Not necessarily meant to be seen in, but it’s not the end of the world if you are.  You’re not dressing to impress.

Up one tier we encounter the Fredericks of Hollywood and Victoria’s Secret lingerie.  This is your standard sexy lingerie which looks good on you but still eventually fades and semi falls apart because it was made in China.  Still, you remember when it was sexy so you keep wearing it.

Finally, you have your top tier lingerie – La Perla, Elle MacPherson, Agent Provocateur, Eberjey. and Faire Frou Frou.  These are your drop-the-jaw, shut-the-door, mama-and-daddy-are-getting-it-on lingerie.  They are the pieces that when we put then on we feel instantly sexy (and they hold up over the years because they were mad in Italy and France).

They are the pieces that when we put them on we feel instantly sexy.  Like a Pussycat Doll on a mission.  Not all of these pieces have to be expensive.  I have a hot pink slip from Target which makes me feel like Marilyn Monroe.

If you catch my in my top tier undies, chances are you’re getting lucky.

Just writing this makes want to go inventory my lingerie drawers and post pics of me and my favorites.

But since I’m away from home, I’ll have to be satisfied posting my boudoir photos again.

Yum yum.

P.S.  I have a small but impressive collection of vinyl that makes me understand the meaning of the word fetish on a cellular level…

 

Barely there underwear

I packed for the Pagan Bunny Burn and managed to keep my costumes down to one and a half totes.

Plush oneies take up a lot of space, apparently.

Also, tutus and bunny masks.

None of which I wore, ironically.

It was too cold to wear anything besides onesies.

At the last minute, I realized that I FORGOT panties!

It figures, I’d pack absolutely EVERYTHING I need for a pagan bunny burn EXCEPT underwear.

And socks.

I almost forgot my socks.

I find this VERY amusing because at the last burn, I forgot my panties and had to go around commando for the last part of the burn.

Normally, this isn’t a problem.

Many of my costumes REQUIRE that I NOT wear underwear.

Who needs to see my panties poking out under some hot pants or short shorts?

But at the Bunny Burn?

Under a tutu?

It’s a MUST!

Dealing with panty issues is pretty common for me.

I’m always trying to find the right thing to wear under each outfit so that my panties don’t show or they show and are appropriate for the outfit I’m wearing (i.e. pink ruffle butt panties under a see-through pink tutu).

So finding these babies on Amazon was a Godsend:

The “Knicker Sticker” which you stick to the crotch of your clothing.

Perfect for my black short shorts that lace up the side.

It’s a nice little adhesive patch that will keep my shorts from getting (ahem) moist.

Then there’s the Shibue Strapless Panty which is like an adhesive thong.

Same principle and use, just a little larger surface area.

Also, and this is a BIG ALSO, these adhesive panties will literally take up NO SPACE in my clothing tote, so BONUS!

Disposable , barely-there underwear?

I’m down for that.

Junk in the trunk

Speaking of JUNK IN THE TRUNK, I worked on a project over the weekend – a pale pink tutu which I lit up with pink fairy lights.

I had to stitch the fairy lights to the tutu and let me tell you, IT WAS NOT FUN.

You try using TRANSPARENT fishing line to stitch a thin wire to the gauziest of fabrics and see how well it works for you.

Actually, what I am doing here is bitching about my eyesight, which is not what it used to be.

So, I finish stitching the lights to the inside of the skirt and I slip it on to check it out.

Lo and behold, the tutu rests 14 inches down the front of my thighs. . .

. . .and the back of the tutu barely covers my ass on account of all the JUNK IN MY TRUNK.

Of course, Tejas tried to make me feel better.

He reminded me that come August, I will be smaller than I am now because of my diet.

[Of course this didn’t help me feel better since the diet has sorta gone by the wayside.]

Look at ALL THAT JELLY!

Seriously.

You could serve tea on my ass, it’s that big!

“I’m gonna need to buy some pink ruffle panties,” I tell Tejas.

“Who knows. . . by the time Burning Man rolls around, you might be wearing a thong., “ he replied (way more optimistically than he should have given that he KNOWS how bad the diet is going.)

Optimism.

Panty dropping

So there I am, minding my own business on Tinder. .

Yes, on Tinder.

I’m not having sex but I’m still dating.

In any case, I get a message from a guy called Larry.

Larry sends me a GIF.

It’s a GIF of a woman from the waist down.

She’s standing in high heels and wearing a short skirt.

All of a sudden, her panties drop to the floor and she steps out of them.

THIS IS HIS FIRST COMMUNICATION WITH ME.

O. M. G.

Why do I always get the sex perverts and fuckwits?

So I do the only thing I can think of.

I insult him.

I write back “Thanks for dropping your panties for me. While I don’t usually go for men who wear ladies underwear, I’m willing to give it a shot. Would you like to wear my red panties or my black panties?”

It was the most obnoxious thing I could think of saying in response to such a stupid opening “line.”

His response?

Classic.

He closed the connection.

Yes!

I’m finally doing something right!

Save

Panty Fetish

I’m not sure how to write this post without using a lot of euphemisms, so bear with me.

Recently, I’ve run into a guy who has a panty fetish.

Not THAT kind of panty fetish.

He doesn’t like wearing them (though I’ve come across those who do).

He likes to, ahem, sniff them.

Not a clean pair fresh from the laundry pile, mind you.

He prefers panties that have been worn all day and are slightly, ahem, damp.

He asked me to describe what my panties smell like after a day of work.

Now.

I don’t know about you but the only time I sniff my panties is when I’m trying to figure out if that pair on the floor is clean or dirty.

So I said the only thing that came to mind.

They smell sweet and musky.

Well, he just about DIED.

Say it again, he requested.

Sweet and musky.

So now, when I go out on a date with this guy, he is expecting me to hand over to him the panties I am wearing.

Gah!

I do believe that I am going to wear TWO pairs of panties that day.

One pair for reals, and one pair for him.

He’ll get to keep the outer pair of panties while I can continue to enjoy the comfort of my inner pair of panties.

And both of us go home happy.

Latex Panties: The Reality

latexMy latex panties (this exact pair) arrived in the mail and looked like the biggest pair of knickers I’d ever seen.

Be prepared. If you order latex panties online they’re going to look like something your grandma might wear. Minus the whole latex thing, of course because your grandma’s not a freak like that.

I tried to slip into them. It sounded like an orgy of latex balloons rubbing up against each other.

It was absolutely hilarious!

It took me about five minutes to work the panties up my legs and I was cringing the whole time because I sunburned my ass on vacation and the latex dragged against my legs.

Finally, I got them up.

And my butt is either bigger than I remember or I put the panties on the wrong way. My ass hung out for miles.

How did it look?

Not too shabby. I definitely like the look of latex.

The story doesn’t end here though, oh no! You see the other part about wearing latex panties is having to take them off.

I made a tiny little tourniquet with them as I rolled them down my legs. Inch by inch, with the wonderful latex-on-hot-skin sound playing the entire way down.

In the end, I had a tidy little figure eight of latex handcuffing my ankles together.

No one told me this would happen.

And that’s when it occurred to me.

If I was fooling around with someone and he went to remove my panties, he’d have to yank them down my body to a chorus of rubber farts.

Definitely NOT sexy.

But perhaps it doesn’t matter. I mean after all, you’re wearing latex undies and that’s pretty damn sexy.

Latex Panties: The Reality, reposted

latexMy latex panties (this exact pair) arrived in the mail and looked like the biggest pair of knickers I’d ever seen.

Be prepared. If you order latex panties online they’re going to look like something your grandma might wear. Minus the whole latex thing, of course because your grandma’s not a freak like that.

I tried to slip into them. It sounded like an orgy of latex balloons rubbing up against each other.

It was absolutely hilarious!

It took me about five minutes to work the panties up my legs and I was cringing the whole time because I sunburned my ass on vacation and the latex dragged against my legs.

Finally, I got them up.

And my butt is either bigger than I remember or I put the panties on the wrong way. My ass hung out for miles.

How did it look?

Not too shabby. I definitely like the look of latex.

The story doesn’t end here though, oh no! You see the other part about wearing latex panties is having to take them off.

I made a tiny little tourniquet with them as I rolled them down my legs. Inch by inch, with the wonderful latex-on-hot-skin sound playing the entire way down.

In the end, I had a tidy little figure eight of latex handcuffing my ankles together.

No one told me this would happen.

And that’s when it occurred to me.

If I was fooling around with someone and he went to remove my panties, he’d have to yank them down my body to a chorus of rubber farts.

Definitely NOT sexy.

But perhaps it doesn’t matter. I mean after all, you’re wearing latex undies and that’s pretty damn sexy.