Doing the splits

In retrospect, it was probably unnecessary for me to do the splits in the garage.

It was already a rager of a party.

But my splits were joined by others’ splits and before you know it, EVERYONE was doing the splits.

And by EVERYONE, I mean all two of us!

LOL

I have no clear recollection of what I drank or how much.

What I DO remember is the nasty little hangover I had the next morning.

I drove myself home, crawled into bed, and slept for the next 4 hours, pretty confident that I was dying.

As it turns out, I didn’t die, my headache went away, and I was left voraciously hungry.

Just so you know, I didn’t IMMEDIATELY remember that I did the splits.

No.

I was walking around wondering why my legs were so sore when the memory came flooding back to me.

Falling over while doing the splits in front of Halloween party guests.

Here’s the pic to prove it. . .

Second Halloween

For Halloween, I was officially a BAT.

A cute black bat wearing dusty playa boots.

There’s always an homage to Burning Man with me.

Then there’s SECOND HALLOWEEN, which – if you’re lucky – you get to celebrate with your burner friends.

It’s a meeting/party of sorts where guests are invited to wear their Halloween costumes.

Again.

Because you know how us burners LOVE to get dressed up and stand out. . .

So instead of being a bat (which was a fucking hot sweatshirt), I opted to be a leopard.

I wore a leopard jumpsuit, a sweater, and leopard ears.

AND I PAINTED MY FACE LIKE A LEOPARD.

Well. . . a cat.

See!

Happy SECOND HALLOWEEN to me!

Holiday Goodies

I’m going to a HOLIDAY PARTY!

One of many, I hope.

This one is with my old colleagues.

Ye Old Guard, as we like to call ourselves.

Kudos to my bosses for creating a community at work that endures to this day.

Anyway, every year we get together and share stories and swap ornaments/hand made gifts.

Last year, I didn’t get the “ornament memo” and I was the ONLY PERSON who showed up without any gifts for my former colleagues.

I had to scramble to get ornaments and mail them to everyone.

This year, I’ve prepared myself ahead of time:

With UGLY SWEATER ORNAMENTS:

Aren’t they AWFUL (and cute)?

And festive holiday envelopes for wrapping:

Which I will decorate with a beautiful, edible “poinsettia” flower lollipop.

Damn!

I’m THE BOMB!

Party!

My birth father is the #1 child out of 6 kids. He has 2 brothers and three sisters.

It’s a BIG family.

You’d think, given the size of the family, and the fact that most of us live relatively local to each other, that we’d see each other a lot.

That is not the case.

So you can imagine how thrilled I am that we are having a party to celebrate my Aunt Xondra’s 50th birthday.

Whoopee!

Time to see everyone all in one place.

I’m bringing Tejas with me to meet my birth family.

He’s been my BFF for over two years now and has yet to meet the people who made me.

Hopefully it won’t be the least bit awkward that he is the same age as my birth parents.

He’s under strict instructions to not hit on ANYONE unless he clears it with me first.

The thing about this party is that I don’t see much of my birth father’s side of the family, except for my Uncle Donald and Aunt Stacey and their family.

They live closer to me and I get to see them from time to time.

They also spawned my sister-cousin Jennifer who takes me to 49er games and enthralls me with her lingerie, lack of inhibition, and positive self-esteem.

Believe you me, if that woman wrote a blog, you’d all be following it.

She also happens to be drop dead gorgeous with knockers BIGGER THAN MINE.

Someday, I will take her to Burning Man and we will knock that shit OUT OF THE PARK!

Oh and GO NINERS!

Get off?

Yvonne’s has been planning a party for months to celebrate the life of her husband who passed away a year ago.

Since I am an event planner, I helped her with some of the details.

I made a very detailed production plan for her I was quite proud of.

The party was this past weekend.

Consider all these elements coming together: camping all weekend long, a motorcycle ride, a DJ, a dance floor, an authentic shawarma machine, a fire pit, a photo booth, luxury restrooms, a potluck buffet dinner, an after party, and so much more.

It was a HUGE undertaking and came off without a hitch.

Well, except for the get off.

Which doesn’t mean what you think it means.

Apparently in motorcycle riding lingo, a get off is when a motorcycle and its rider part company due to instability, impending accident, or a sudden maneuver.

It was frightening to hear about even though we were all assured the rider was okay.

So there was A LITTLE drama, but not much.

The speeches were beautiful.

The dancing was fun.

And the company was outstanding.

And just because I took photos in the photobooth with Tejas and Yvonne, I’m going to post them here and say: LOVE YOU BOTH!

Me and the Swede

michelleOooooohhhhh.

I talked to the Swede again.

And by talk, I mean text.

And by Swede, I mean genuinely, authentically from Sweden.

He’s tall and handsome and kisses like his life depends on it.

It’s sooooooo good.

We went on a first date a few months ago when he was visiting the Bay Area for work.

We said goodnight without kissing goodbye.

We went on a second date a little later and again said goodbye without kissing goodnight.

Then something came over us on the third date.

Perhaps he figured “why not at least TRY kissing her?”

I know I thought I’d been friend zoned.

Then he kissed me and WOW!

Perfection!

So he’s coming back to the Bay Area in May.

And if he can swing it, he might be here for UnSCruz which I’ve described as a moveable party with fire spinning, music, dance, art, performance, and community.

There’s even a wedding this time around!

I think he was intrigued.

So cross your fingers that he can arrange his travel and make it to UnSCruz.

It’ll be a hell of a time, I’ll tell you that!

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Ringing in the New Year

img_0831This year I decided to celebrate the passing of 2016 and the arrival of 2017 with  my friend Barbara.  I was invited to a black tie affair at a friend’s home nearby and Barbara was my “plus one.”

Barbara hashtagged our Facebook photos with:

  • #whenyourfriendsaremorefunthanadate
  • #someonemistakedusforthedoubleminttwins
  • #hadtotellhimthatwewerentrelated
  • #hedidntbelieveme

Yes indeed, it appears that most people think Barbara and I are somehow related.  I take this as a compliment because I think Barbara is an exquisitely beautiful person, inside and out.

Here are some photos from New Year’s Eve.  As you can see we had a lot of fun with Snapchat and Messenger filters:

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It’s not a birthday party unless someone brings a bag of dicks. . .

img_0649My Pyrate themed birthday party took place on Saturday.

And let me tell you, I was SHOCKED at how many people showed up.

I expected maybe 6. Ten, if I was lucky.

But in the end a whopping 24 showed up.

We went from one table of 8 to 6 tables filled with people.

And everyone was in pyrate garb!

 

img_0644Marina and Todd img_0643Me and Cynthia

 

It was TRULY EXTRAORDINARY!

I got my dance on at The Spot and Cardiff Lounge, restoring my dance sensibility ever since the Blue Dance Nazi took it from me at Decompression SF (full story is HERE).

I’m not a fabulous dancer, but I enjoy dancing. However, you should’ve seen my birthmom dancing, SHE WAS HAVING A GREAT TIME!

I heard over and over again all night how wonderful my mom is, how incredible my mom is, how funny my mom is.

Everybody LOVED her.

I think it’s safe to say she stole the show.

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Mom and Scott, dancing.

My sister was there, looking beautiful and composed as always, prompting several comments about how we look nothing alike (my sister is half Filipino while I am all cracker).

Barbara was there, in an AMAZING corset, and all night long people mistook her for me. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again – Barbara looks like my little sister.

My brother and sister-in-law showed up to fete me and it was nice to hang out with them for a bit without the littles distracting us.

And Scott, my birthday twin, came all the way from Napa to celebrate “our” birthday. It’s always great to see old friends and I’ve known Scott since I was in preschool.

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Scott and I

So many more friends came and made it festive – Marina and Todd, MP (who gave me an awesome birthday card and present), Cynthia (who dances like a goddess), Kari and Brian (who just got engaged in Italy), Kevin (who let me grab his ass a little), Dante (who let me grab more than just his ass), Steve, Mark and Ariana (who make such a handsome couple), Brad (who had the BEST pirate accessory, a gold earring), Hoot (who was tons of fun to dance with), Bad Boy, Miss S, Kimberly (who gave me a bottle of Zaya rum), and Twisty.

In the end, a good time was had by all, even if we all became a little deaf dancing at the Cardiff Lounge in front of the speakers.

But the best, most funniest moment of the night was when Cynthia gave me a bag of little rubber dicks as a gift.

That’s right.

I got a bag of dicks for my birthday!

img_0640Blowing out the ENORMOUS candle! img_0642Kevin and me
img_0650Me and Dante (Steve and Hoot in the background) Me and Barbara
img_0634Brad and me img_0631Conga line!
img_0627Cynthia, Steve, and Twisty img_0626Brad and my sister Leilani
img_0624Birthday “twins” Scott and Michelle img_0620The newly engaged!

 

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Naughty and Nice

nunMy friend is hosting his annual birthday party coming up in January.

I got a “Save The Date” notice on Facebook.

The theme for his party is “Good & Bad.”

[Have I said recently how much I LOVE theme parties?!]

Naturally, I started scouring the internet for good/bad costumes.

Now, there’s no guarantee that I will actually follow through and wear this costume because often I get a brilliant idea a week before the party and I totally scrap my costume and build a new one but. . .

. . .for the time being, I’d like to be a NAUGHTY NUN!

I bought the costume off of Amazon and it comes with a dress, matching sleeves, and habit.

I’m getting white thigh highs to match.

And Lord knows I have a ton of lingerie to wear with the stockings.

Now, I have to admit, for a Catholic girl, this is a really risqué costume to wear.

I’m going to feel guilty the ENTIRE time I’m wearing it.

But I think it suits the theme of the birthday party PERFECTLY.

What do you think?

Might as well stamp “hillbilly” on my forehead and give me a mullet

Last night was the first meeting of the board for one of the volunteer organization I work with.  I showed up a few minutes early and parked in front of one of the biggest, luxurious houses in the neighborhood.  I’m not kidding when I tell you it was 5,000 square feet or more.

I handed the hostess a plate of little iced cakes and a nice bottle of wine I brought for the dinner.  She looked confused but took them into the kitchen.  I glanced around at the other guests – all dripping in diamonds and pearls with perfectly blown out hair.

Suddenly the cheeky little hat I was wearing – which I swear saves me from every bad hair day I have ever had – was not looking quite so stylish.  I was the only one in jeans.  The grungiest girl in the room.  Bah!

Feeling awfully nervous and intimidated, I drank my glass of wine and chatted with other guests.

Me:  I have a ballgown collection.

Guest:  I have one ballgown but I’m afraid to wear it to parties.  I don’t want to be the dressiest one in the room.

Me:  [Thinking:  “Better to be the dressiest one in the room than the least dressiest” but then I remember my casual attire and say nothing.]

The evening went better after that, I thought, once all of us were a little lubed up with liquor.  But the reason why the hostess looked confused when I handed her wine and desserts?  It’s because she had WAITSTAFF and a CATERED DINNER for our meeting.  F..U..C…K!  How did I miss that detail?  Here I was showing up “a la potluck” and she had STAFF!

The evening went smoothly, once we were all lubed up with wine. And at the end, our gracious hostess gave us gifts of silver and chocolate.  And as I was leaving, I slipped an envelope in her hand – a little “Thank you for hosting” card I picked up at etsy.com.  Feeling smug, I thought, “Okay, sure.  I was the hillbilly element in this party, but at least I remembered my manners!”

hstss

I arrived home very late and went to brush my teeth and that’s when I noticed

I HAD A FRIGGING HUGE PIECE OF BLACK PLUM SKIN FROM MY LATE AFTERNOON SNACK STUCK IN MY TWO FRONT TEETH ALL NIGHT LONG!!!!!

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