Hotter than Hades

Just as a heat wave hits the Bay Area, my friends and I decide to don our most festive medieval garb and hit the Renaissance Faire in Hollister at Casa de Fruta.

First we had to endure the stares of the masses at breakfast…. All 7 of us – Richard, Janet, Kylie, Phil, Jeff, Deanna and myself.


The ride to the Ren Faire was fun what with music from Garfunkel and Oates playing over the speakers. The Loophole is a song about anal sex (shhh). Specifically, it’s about a girl who made a pact to keep her hymen intact and doesn’t want to lose her boyfriend. Her loophole is her poophole. Yes folks, it’s a song about having anal sex for Jesus.

“Fuck me in the ass because I love Jesus. It’s the sex that God can’t see.”

Okay, so it was a virtual laugh riot and we hadn’t even gotten there yet.

Once we arrived, we discovered we’d landed on the surface of the sun, with relatively appropriate temperatures. Suddenly, our petticoats, corsets, and tunics seemed way inappropriate.


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Nevertheless, we trudged around from shady tree to shady tree, making sure we hit the beer booth (Drynks) so frequently that I gave myself a headache.

We were a mischievous bunch, talking about all things from bunk to spunk to gulp to swallow. Incidentally, all titles of books.

My, don’t you have a dirty mind!

If you’ve never been to the Ren Fairs, imagine Disneyland in the Middle Ages, except without the walking cartoon characters. Instead they have the very formidable looking Queen and her entourage who looked stoic despite wearing three layers of velvet in 100+ degree heat.

There are booths selling all sorts of goods and services from face painting and hair braiding to pottery and clothing, all medieval of course. They even had a store selling glass dildos and butt plugs.


We saw Men in Tights and Belly Dancers (with a male belly dancer, natch). We drank beer and shopped. All in all we had a great, albeit sweaty time at the Ren Faire.

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We stopped off at famous Dave’s BBQ in Gilroy. Tasty food was eaten by all. Although I deeply desired ribs, I ordered the salmon. Sigh. Healthier is not always tastier.

Our drive home we were supposed to listen to some funny songs which turned out to be sea chanties. And sea chanties and not funny… depressing and sad, but not funny.

By the end of the day my beer consumption had reached its maximum capacity and I found myself trying to lure myself into a sleepy coma to combat my dehydration headache. But I sure as hell went to bed feeling entertained and just a little bit lights (from all the moisture I lost sweating). Not swearing. Sweating.

I highly recommend taking a visit there with your friends to engage in a little debauchery!


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