Junk in the trunk

Speaking of JUNK IN THE TRUNK, I worked on a project over the weekend – a pale pink tutu which I lit up with pink fairy lights.

I had to stitch the fairy lights to the tutu and let me tell you, IT WAS NOT FUN.

You try using TRANSPARENT fishing line to stitch a thin wire to the gauziest of fabrics and see how well it works for you.

Actually, what I am doing here is bitching about my eyesight, which is not what it used to be.

So, I finish stitching the lights to the inside of the skirt and I slip it on to check it out.

Lo and behold, the tutu rests 14 inches down the front of my thighs. . .

. . .and the back of the tutu barely covers my ass on account of all the JUNK IN MY TRUNK.

Of course, Tejas tried to make me feel better.

He reminded me that come August, I will be smaller than I am now because of my diet.

[Of course this didn’t help me feel better since the diet has sorta gone by the wayside.]

Look at ALL THAT JELLY!

Seriously.

You could serve tea on my ass, it’s that big!

“I’m gonna need to buy some pink ruffle panties,” I tell Tejas.

“Who knows. . . by the time Burning Man rolls around, you might be wearing a thong., “ he replied (way more optimistically than he should have given that he KNOWS how bad the diet is going.)

Optimism.

Sh*t Brown

Remember my GENIUS idea of wearing a pink latex dress to the Valentine’s Pub Crawl?

Yeah, one of my LESS THAN BRILLIANT ideas, as it turns out.

The dress actually DID arrive in the mail and lo and behold, it was this shitty brown color.

Now.

I might have known better, had I actually scoped out the website a little more.

They uploaded a picture of a hot looking older broad in the dress and it is CLEARLY not pink.

It’s this yucky porto potty soupy brown.

Yeah, you know what I’m talking about!

So here I am, stuck with a dress I CLEARLY will never wear.

I’m wondering if my local Goodwill will raise their eyebrows if I bring in a shit brown latex dress?

You know, it’s moments like these I realize what stores are for and why internet shopping sometimes SUCKS!

That is all.

Pyrate

pirateArgh!

Truth be told, I don’t like it when I’m not working on putting together a costume.

I wonder what the theme will be for the next Village meeting or the next birthday party.

If I knew, I could start planning already.

I checked out a Michael Jackson costume – Totally 80’s!

I also looked into a St. Patrick’s Day costume. Everything green!

In the end, I decided to put together a Pyrate costume.

Mind you, this is my SECOND pyrate costume.

I already have one which I wore to a Pyrate Party 6 years ago.

I remember my ex boyfriend and I had just broken up and I went to the party single while he brought a date.

And his date spent the entire evening hanging all over him trying to make me feel bad.

And I did. Until my new theme song “So What” by Pink! started playing over the speakers.

“So, so what?
I’m still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don’t need you
And guess what
I’m having more fun
And now that we’re done
I’m gonna show you tonight
I’m alright, I’m just fine
And you’re a tool
So, so what?”

Then I felt how strong I truly was. Able to stand on my own two feet in the face of opposition.

In any case, not long after that song played my ex and his mean girl date left the party.

He wasn’t having fun.

Years later we discussed the evening’s events and he apologized for her behavior.

He always was a good guy.

In any case, I now have a second pyrate costume I can wear that has no complex emotional associations.

Just me, a short skirt, and a swashbuckler’s hat.

What could be better?

pirate

Do I have horrible taste in lingerie?

My cousin Jennifer would probably say yes but that’s because she worships at the shrine of tiny and the altar of pink  whereas I am all about the black and the sinister.

But I finally bought something she might like.  I need something bright and cheery for my boudoir photoshoot aside from the lingerie I already bought.  Check out the new stuff….

new lingerieYou can see Jennifer’s influence in the top selection of lingerie and mine in the bottom selection.

Basically, I’m just going to keep trying on lingerie until I hit on the right combination.  So far, the winners are:

Red bustier

Red bustier

Black chemise

Black chemise

Men's shirt outfit

Men’s shirt outfit