Leatherman

I think it’s safe to say that POF is promoting my defunct dating profile.

How do I know?

Suddenly my inbox was inundated with POF likes and messages, the likes of which I’ve never seen before.

It’s a shame that when you “retire” your online dating profile, it doesn’t get officially retired.

Such a waste of time and energy.

Ironically, I had to check out one.

His name was Leatherman.

I was curious, would he be the outdoorsy type or the BDSM type?

So I clicked.

And. . .

As it turns out, NEITHER.

Guess what Leatherman is into?

Giving up vanilla

Vanilla guys just aren’t working out for me.

I’ve tried SO MANY TIMES to find someone who fits using Match and POF but NO LUCK.

Granted, I have an UNUSUAL lifestyle.

I go to Burning Man.

I hug and kiss all my friends.

I even get naked with them (HELLO BARE BURN).

It’s not easy to find someone who can accept these quirks.

You kind of need to be a little bit of a freak yourself to fit in with me.

Mainstream just doesn’t cut it.

Neither does religious.

And don’t get me started on CONSERVATIVES.

I am a liberal, agnostic burner with poly tendencies.

And so I am wondering if perhaps I’m fishing in the wrong pond when I use Match and POF.

Are there others, you wonder?

Why yes, there are.

I could try Lifestyle Lounge, SLS, or Kasidie.

I’ve always thought the idea of getting online just to hookup is sort of useless.

Because I really want to meet someone and fall in love.

But the more I date, the more I realize that I’ve been ruined for vanilla men.

And I’m a bit of a poly kinkster, a BIG FLIRT and a VERY OPEN-MINDED WOMAN.

Leatherman

I think it’s safe to say that POF is promoting my defunct dating profile.

How do I know?

Suddenly my inbox was inundated with POF likes and messages, the likes of which I’ve never seen before.

It’s a shame that when you “retire” your online dating profile, it doesn’t get officially retired.

Such a waste of time and energy.

Ironically, I had to check out one.

His name was Leatherman.

I was curious, would he be the outdoorsy type or the BDSM type?

So I clicked.

And. . .

As it turns out, NEITHER.

Guess what Leatherman is into?

F*ck Online Dating

According To Consumer Affairs, and a Mr. McLaughlin who has emailed me this data, the Top 10 Best Rated Online Dating Websites are:

  1. POF
  2. OkCupid
  3. Mingle2
  4. Zoosk
  5. Match.com
  6. eHarmony
  7. Cupid.com
  8. Chemistry.com
  9. Matchmaker.com
  10. OurTime.com

You can see the full set of data HERE.

Out of all of these, I am familiar with four – POF, OkCupid, Match.com, and eHarmony.

My personal opinion of online dating websites right now can be summed up in one word:

Pbbbbbbbbbbtttttttttt!!!!!!!

Yes, that’s right. A BIG FAT RASPBERRY!

I have met MANY men through online dating websites. I’d venture a guess that I’ve gone on at least a hundred or more dates.

So it’s not like I’m whining about something without having given it a decent try.

I’ve met some nice guys, sure. I’ve met some TEDIOUSLY boring guys. But for the most part what I’ve met are guys who just REALLY WANT TO GET LAID VERY BADLY and are supremely bad at treating a woman with respect and consideration.

Take the guy who offered to eat my pussy 5 sentences into our exchange.

Or The Israeli who ghosted me after he talked me into a facial.

Or the 20-something year old who asked me when was the last time someone took me to POUND TOWN!?

Or the guy whose screen name was fucking LoveToEatTacos.

The truth of the matter is the vast majority of the men I’ve met online and dated fall into one category – the Sayonara Group.

Here one day, gone the next.

And with so many options out there, who can blame them?

There’s always someone more beautiful, more witty, or more sexy out there.

Maybe she makes more money.

The point is that I haven’t clicked with anyone.

ANYONE.

So forgive me if I’m not LEAPING at the opportunity to sign up for all of these sites.

I’m just a little FUCKING JADED.

Just say yes

POFSo POF has this feature called “Meet Me” and it’s a lot like Tinder where you see a pic and you swipe right or swipe left depending on whether or not you like how they look.

Right now I have 1,489 pics to review and mark as “Yes,” “No,” or “Maybe.”

That’s a lot of pictures!

And I’m really annoyed that my cell phone flashes this number at me in a big red button, as if reminding me that I’m not doing my part to meet eligible men.

So periodically, I’ve been going into the POF app and marking the men “No” and “Maybe.”

Then I just got frustrated and started tapping “No” for everyone.

But then I figured that might be the wrong approach.

Maybe the right approach is to mark everyone “Yes” and see what comes of it.

I’m sure they get some notification that I’m interested. And if that drives them to read my profile and contact me then that’s progress, right?

So my new approach to dating is what I like to call “Just Say Yes.”

I’ll update you on how this goes, but so far, my inbox is exploding with emails, and they’re not all bad.

It’s definitely proving to be much more productive that clicking “No” all the time, without any consideration for the person behind the picture.

If I’m going to randomly click “Yes,” “No,” or “Maybe” in order to remove a 1,489 button that’s annoying me off my profile, then I might as well click “Yes” and see what happens.

So far, I’ve done it with 100 pictures. I intend to do 100 pictures a day just to see what happens.

I could get lucky!

“Pro Cl*t Licker” no kidding

Ladies, in case you’re wondering what’s out there for the single gal, take a look at this specimen:

FullSizeRender(1)Yes, dear friends.  This is what I’m faced with.

  • Isn’t seeking a relationship or any kind of commitment
  • Professional Pussy Eater – does he do this for a living?
  • For:  Hang out

This is why I’m single, folks.  And this is also why I’m happy being single.  I’m not sure if all the good guys got snapped up when I was married in the 90’s and 00’s but I’m pretty sure the good ones are few and far between.  I know a bunch of wonderful single ladies who all deserve fabulous partners but no fabulous partners have emerged.  Their dating life is like a parade of trolls.

Oh, and what did Mr. Clit Licker write me?

“Besides you being drop dead gorgeous and sexy as F!! U r incredibly with it!  You are truly incredible.  Love that you could be so outgoing and inspiring and yet I see the warm and gentle side to you.  Wish you were here.  Can you come by for a bit?  I’d love to see you.  XO”

And my response (if I had sent one, which I didn’t):

Dear Clit Licker,

I’ll admit, I was a little taken by surprise by your tag line and profession.  I’m confident I know what it is you are looking for and I just have to say that I am not that person.  Or rather that clit since that seems to be what you are looking for.  I’m impressed that you’ve managed to boil the whole “dating” experience down to one sex act, ignoring the rest of the human being attached to the anatomy you want to lick.  Just so you know, when us girls get together and talk about creepy experiences with men, you’re going to make my top 5 list.

So there you have it.  One super creepy guy.

I once got nicknamed “Glue for Idiots” by my friend Ivana.  She took me out to a bar in SF and I proceeded to get hit on by guys she considered losers.  When things like this happen, I almost want to agree with her.

It’s enough to  make a woman want to hang up her ovaries, wear cement panties, and call it a night.

WTF!?!?!

Online… again

I’ve reactivated my profile on POF and OKCupid.

Not because I have amnesia.

No, I haven’t forgotten all the catfish I scored on those sites.

I’ve reactivated my profile because I read this blog post by Ann St. Vincent (courtesy of my friend Marty). And I had a very smart conversation with a friend who suggested I try a different approach:

  • Log in only once or twice a week to check my messages.
  • Respond to anyone I’m interested in and delete the messages I’m not interested in.

Basically, it can be frustrating on a daily basis to sort through the emails that I get and find that none are suitable (i.e. don’t have full body tattoos, wives, bad attitudes, or a 46″ waistline).  This way I only spend a fraction of my week dealing with these frustrating matters while I manage to keep a line in the water just in case I manage to catch what I’m looking for.

Not a bad approach, if you ask me.

And since I’m getting lonely, I figure I’d better put myself out there again and try to meet people.

Couldn’t hurt.

 

Internet Dating and Bargain Shopping

At first, these two things might seem to have nothing in common. Although an argument could be made for the similarities between dating and shopping…

When you shop, you put on a great outfit, and you head to the stores to find what you’re looking for – in the perfect size, color, style and price.

When you date, you put on a great outfit and you head to the places where people gather – restaurants, bars, etc. – and you look for your perfect man, in the right size, shape, and style and price.

But internet dating is different. With internet dating, there are a lot of free dating sites. So with minimal effort (a one sentence profile and one grainy selfie photo) someone could have a profile up online. Little effort + ease of set up = some less than stellar prospects. Internet dating is like bargain shopping…. You have to pick through a lot of trash to find anything worthwhile.

OMG… did I just say that?!

The sites I am on are Match, Ok Cupid, and Plenty of Fish (aka Plenty of FREAKS). None of these sites are remarkably expensive.

And the pool of men on each of these is remarkable skewed toward:

HEAVILY TATTOOED

“SOME” COLLEGE

And STRANGE FACIAL HAIR

 

I’m beginning to think that part of my success in the dating will either be from sheer luck because I just “happened” upon a decent guy (i.e. one that doesn’t want to send me video of him jacking off the first day I meet him) or because I’ve improved the dating pool.

And with 110 million adult singles in the US, that’s quite a pool to choose from.

Maybe I need to try It’s Just Lunch, or Table for Six.

I’m finally admitting that what I’m doing is not working well. In fact, it’s rather appalling.

So help me out here…. Know any good dating websites with educated, professional men on them? Wanna see me try some new sites?

Shoot me an email at michelle@unblunder.com