I have a friend.
We’ll call him ‘Sam.’
Sam wants me to set him up with all the single women I know.
The thing is, Sam is poly.
At least Sam claims he’s poly.
[I personally think he’s flexible, for the right woman.]
All the women I know are monogamous.
Definitely NOT poly.
Anyway, Sam is upset that I offered to set up my friend Rob with two of my single girlfriends.
Beyond the fact that Sam is 10+ years older than Rob and simply less appropriate for the 30 – 40 year old women I know, Sam is POLY.
He likes to point out that I don’t believe he’s poly.
I like to point out that it doesn’t matter what I BELIEVE, it matters what HE BELIEVES.
So no, I’m not going to set up a monogamous woman with a poly man.
And, just so you know, I think it’s a wee bit deceptive that Sam’s online dating profiles don’t specify that he’s poly.
I COULD BE COMPLETELY WRONG ABOUT THIS, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that his lack of success in the dating pool could have something to do with the fact that he’s fishing in the wrong fucking pool with the wrong fucking bait.
What is it with me and married men?
I seem to run into them right and left. And I’m not talking the monogamous kind. No, I’m talking men in “open” relationships who are interested in me.
Take “Daddy,” for instance. Now Daddy is tall, handsome, and a respectable 32 years old.
He was walking around the festival with a lovely accessory – his baby.
Where there is a baby, there is bound to be a momma bear. So I carefully steered clear of him. But he seemed to be flirting with me. He even came over to my camp and stared at me. Intently. Like he was enamored.
Now first of all, I appreciate male attention. It feels good. It excites me.
But I’m just saying would it KILL THE UNIVERSE TO SEND ME A SINGLE GUY?
32 years old and married with a baby?! Where can that go?
As part of growing up and maturing, I’ve learned more about relationships than I used to know in the past.
For instance, I now know that not every relationship is monogamous.
Some are polyamorous.
And that’s okay.
Relationships aren’t a “one-size-fits-all” scenario.
I have several friends who are poly and it really works for them.
On account of the fact that I’m a jealous little possessive thing, I am not poly, nor am I looking for a poly relationship.
But that doesn’t mean that I haven’t been involved as a secondary with several poly men.
One relationship is working fine. We see each other from time to time and always enjoy each others company.
I like him a great deal and am comfortable with his other relationships.
The other relationship crashed and burned for many reasons not the least of which being that I was a “don’t-ask-don’t-tell” hidden girlfriend who was treated more like a booty call than a real girlfriend.
Now, having observed poly relationships for a certain amount of time, I have to say this:
The only way poly works is when EVERYBODY is on the same page. When there are no hidden details and everyone knows what’s going on.
If you’re poly and your partner is not, then you’ve got things to discuss BEFORE YOU CAN SAY YOU’RE IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP.
Otherwise people get hurt.
I once posted a Hierarchy of Cum Rags. LOL. That got a few laughs. Here is my Hierarchy of Casual Sex:
- One night stand – It doesn’t get more casual than a one night stand. These are your Tinder “dates,” your hookups, your “hit it and quit it” moments. Maybe they spend the night, maybe they don’t. The important thing here is that EXCHANGING PHONE NUMBERS IS FOR SHOW ONLY. No one intends to call. It’s a one night stand, after all!
- Booty call – Booty calls typically evolve out of one night stands. You fucked once and enjoyed it and want to do it again. There are no emotions involved here and no one thinks there is a potential fr anything more. This is a relationship founded on sex. WOO HOO!
- No strings attached – Ah, the casual habitual hookup with absolutely no intention of doing anything besides what you’re already doing. The difference between this and a one night stand or booty call is that a no strings attached relationship occurs over a period of time. Food may be involved. It’s allowed. You hook up more than once but again, it’s just for sex. No strings attached means you’re free to do as you please. NO ONE IS GOING TO ASK YOU TO MEET THEIR PARENTS AT CHRISTMAS.
- Fuck buddy – Ah, the beloved fuck buddy. This is someone who you hook up with who is more of an acquaintance than a friend. You don’t really move in the same social circles at all. IT’S JUST SEX!
- Friends with benefits (FWB) – Here you have your typical no strings attached relationship except you also see each other socially. There are two kinds of FWB relationships – in the closet and outed. With in the closet FWB relationships, no one knows you’re bumping uglies. With outed FWB relationships, your friends know. Either way, these are more than one night stands and no strings attached hookups. They’re relationships. There may be food involved before the boinking (or afterwards) and there’s at least a modest amount of socializing. Either way, this is a friendly, repetitive arrangement that involves sex and friendship. The bottom line is you like each other, JUST NOT ENOUGH TO ATTEMPT A REAL RELATIONSHIP.
- Ex sex – Ooohh, dangerous territory. Here you have your typical failed relationship, only you still like each other enough to continue the physical part of the relationship minus the messy stuff that made the relationship fail in the first place. Only problem is, people are BAD AT COMPARTMENTALIZING. Expect problems with this one.
- Non-exclusive – You’re dating. You’re fucking. But no one has used the L word and technically since you haven’t had THE TALK, it’s still non-exclusive. Meaning both of you can still be seeing other people… like your FWB or a Tinder hookup.
- Exclusive – Maybe the L word has been used. Maybe it hasn’t. What sets this relationship apart from the others is that you are now committed to sleeping with ONLY ONE PERSON. Welcome to the world of monogamy. I’m not sure this belongs on this list since TECHNICALLY, it’s no longer CASUAL sex. But seeing as how this is a progression of casual sex, I figured I’d include it
- Polyamorous – JUST KIDDING! That’s a whole other blog post (that I’ll never write).