Two cents

No, I’ve never been to Burning Man, his profile said.

“But as an ad exec, I’ve been all over the world, held photoshoots with supermodels. . .”

Screech!

What?

Supermodels?

Oh HELL no!

Swipe LEFT!

Just one of the profiles I came across on Tinder.

Oh Tinder, how you ENTERTAIN me.

FYI, women don’t like to hear that a potential date has been with supermodels.

The only thing we like WORSE are plastic surgeons and gynecologists.

Here’s a few tips for the men out there:

  1. DON’T post profiles pics with ex-girlfriends, sisters, cropped out women, women in general ,and MODELS MOST SPECIFICALLY!
  2. DON’T create a username like “luvs2eatacos” or “bigboi4u.”
  3. DON’T trash talk her sports team. You’re not her buddy. You’re not her pal.  Be nice.  Bring YOUR A-game.
  4. DON’T say you attended the “School of Hard Knocks.” Everyone has. It’s a given.  No one skates through life unscathed.  This makes you sound like a whiner.
  5. DON’T say you’re fresh out of a LTR. Everyone knows there’s a wild oats sowing period of time following a breakup.
  6. DO let your freak flag fly. I want to know what makes you YOU!
  7. DO post pics of your dog. I love that shit.  I’m on the fence about cat pictures, however.
  8. DO post pics of your travels, but BE IN THE PHOTO. I know what Notre Dame looks like.
  9. DO use good grammar and punctuation. It’s the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
  10. DO upload new photos from time to time to see what women respond to. I love it when my old matches upload new photos.

Just my $0.02.

Date #2

I’ve shut off my profile in Tinder.

It’s not what you think.

I’m not giving up.

I’m just creating a little space for me and the new guy to get to know each other without the distraction of other men texting me.

In case you’re wondering, I did get a lot of hookup requests.

One from a guy who wanted, “KFC and cowgirl AT THE SAME TIME.”

I kid you not.

Could I make that up?

Funny enough, I read that wrong and thought he was looking for KFC and A COWGIRL and so I messaged him telling him I had a cowboy hat and like KFC only to realize I made a HUGE mistake.

LOL.

I save my random hookups for Burning Man.

SERIOUSLY.

It’s the one place I let myself enjoy the physicality of other people just for the hell of it.

Case in point:  a sexy bodybuilder who liked my ass and wanted to see more of it on the playa.

I indulged in a private showing.

Sadly, his cocaine habit interfered with his performance, but I still remember him fondly.

I’m sure he has NO PROBLEM finding dates on Tinder.

So here I sit, having shut off my Tinder profile, wondering what comes next.

Date two, I suppose.

We’ve already discussed going camping in the new guy’s brand new trailer.

And bringing him to a village meeting to see (of all people) Rachel Lark perform her brand of bawdy storytelling.

But all that is weeks in the future.

What we need is something we can do now.

Like catch a movie.

Go on a hike.

Grab another meal together.

Anything, so long as I get to see him again.

Leatherman

I think it’s safe to say that POF is promoting my defunct dating profile.

How do I know?

Suddenly my inbox was inundated with POF likes and messages, the likes of which I’ve never seen before.

It’s a shame that when you “retire” your online dating profile, it doesn’t get officially retired.

Such a waste of time and energy.

Ironically, I had to check out one.

His name was Leatherman.

I was curious, would he be the outdoorsy type or the BDSM type?

So I clicked.

And. . .

As it turns out, NEITHER.

Guess what Leatherman is into?

Leatherman

I think it’s safe to say that POF is promoting my defunct dating profile.

How do I know?

Suddenly my inbox was inundated with POF likes and messages, the likes of which I’ve never seen before.

It’s a shame that when you “retire” your online dating profile, it doesn’t get officially retired.

Such a waste of time and energy.

Ironically, I had to check out one.

His name was Leatherman.

I was curious, would he be the outdoorsy type or the BDSM type?

So I clicked.

And. . .

As it turns out, NEITHER.

Guess what Leatherman is into?

Wish Me Luck

I went ahead and changed my Match.com profile to THIS.

And ever since I did, my “phone” has been ringing off the hook.

One guy called my profile refreshing.

Another man apologized for all the creeps out there.

And yet another referred to my profile as “honest and funny.”

So far so good.

I haven’t received any dick pics or any requests for guys to “cum in my ass” so that’s a plus!

Maybe this profile will filter out the majority of the sex perverts and unavailable men.

One can hope.

Because I’ve met Bob.

Bob is a big guy. Heavily tattooed. With a nice trim beard.

Exactly what I look for, no?

Well, we shall see.

He did text me at 5 O’CLOCK IN THE FUCKING MORNING.

Just to let me know he was up.

These are the things I DON’T NEED TO KNOW.

You know?

Not at 5 o’clock in the morning, anyways.

Despite his unfortunate lack of sensibility when it comes to early morning communications, I like Bob.

He seems like a nice guy, albeit an intimidating one what with his LANDSCAPE of tattoos.

Wish me luck!

STFU

Shitballs!

Do you know what I find disheartening about internet dating?

Apart from the cum shots, requests for nude photos, and first dates?

The emphasis on looks.

Doesn’t everyone realize we are all in the process of losing our looks and that all we’ll have to keep us company in our twilight years is the personality of someone we fell in love with?

Oh, don’t get me wrong, I look at pictures as much as the next person.

But I also read their profile.

And I shun the illiterate ones and embrace the well spoken ones.

Well, the latest guy I have been messaging is obsessed with how I look.

A young Cybil Shepherd, he says.

Yes, I’ve heard that before and thank you for the compliment.

But the fact is I am a 43 year old woman who is not getting any younger and if he really knew me, then he’d know that how I look is the least of what makes me attractive.

He made me go through each of my 21 profile pictures and tell him how long ago they were taken.

We’ll, 50% of them were takes 3 -5 years ago.

And the other 50% were current.

The whole process was rather appalling.

And I simply can’t handle his gushing.

Oh don’t worry, I’m not going to stand him up.

I’m going to lie and say I’ve met someone else.

It’s a harmless little lie that preserves his ego while simultaneously giving me an excuse to NO GO OUT WITH HIM.

Pretty, my ass.

STFU and pay attention to what matters!

Should this be my next Match.com profile?

Look.

I get it.

We’re all horny and lonely and looking for a little comfort.

The thing is, I’m looking for someone who is open to the possibility of something more developing.

Something that lasts longer than a text exchange or a conversation over dinner.

I swear, if I get one more request for naked pictures, or one more jacking off video I’m going to quit online dating FOR GOOD.

At first, I thought it was funny how many bad dates I was going on.

They made for good stories with my friends.

There was Fart Man and the Guy with Two Standard Poodles and a 6-Year Old.

Those were REALLY BAD DATES.

But now I seem to have slipped into a rut whereby every man I meet is asking for sex, sexy pictures, swing parties, BDSM action, etc.

Would it kill you to get to know me BEFORE propositioning me?

I know what you’re thinking.

You’re thinking I’m frigid.

But I’m not.

I’m a Scorpio and come from a long line of women with very healthy sex lives.

But I don’t want to talk about sex on the first date let alone DO IT.

I’d prefer to meet someone who wants to discover more about me.

Like the fact that I ran with the bulls in 2014.

Or that I can skin an abalone in under 30 seconds.

Or that I performed with the Boston Pops in 1997.

Or that I’m a PADI certified rescue diver who can’t watch horror films unless I can sleep with the light on.

And there’s more.

So much more.

But you’re never going to find out if all you ask about is sex.

That is all.

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