There’s a rumor swirling around that people hate change.
It’s hard on us.
The tried and true may not be perfect but it’s better than the unknown, right?
Well about ten years ago, I met a man who lived life on his own terms.
He walked to the beat of a different drummer.
I resented him pushing me out of my comfort zone at the time, but looking back I see now he taught me an important lesson.
He taught me to challenge myself in every area of my life.
I’ve gotten pretty good at being adventurous with my free time.
Hello running with the bulls and Burning Man.
But there are areas that could be improved upon.
Such as my dating life.
I withhold a lot.
I’ll get a burning urge to ask my date a critical question but I never ask out of fear that the answer might not be what I like and I might ruffle a few feathers.
You can imagine how well that goes over.
The distance between me and my date increases by leaps and bounds and then we just fizzle out.
Sure, I’ve kept the peace but there’s a cost.
Lack of intimacy.
But it’s how we resolve conflicts that defines our intimacy with others.
So I’ve got to get better at asking the difficult questions.
In order to succeed, I can’t be afraid of failing.
So my cousin Jennifer tagged me in a Facebook post “If you want to fall in love with anyone, apparently all you have to do is ask them these questions.”
I bought a Love Spell for $1 from the Renaissance Faire and I’m still single.
But okay, what gives?
I clicked the link.
I found that the questions were grouped into three categories – each with increasing intimacy.
Set 1 had questions like:
- Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
- When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
- If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set 2 had questions like:
- What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
- If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
- How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
And Set 3 had questions like:
- Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
- Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
- Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
Those questions really pull from the gut and I’m afraid I’d be emotionally exhausted after sharing them.
But I get what they are intending to do: create intimacy.
Remove the veils of pretense and get to the heart of who each of us is.
Because deep down, under all the layers we carry to protect ourselves, all we really want is to be seen and to be loved for who we really are.
I’m not saying this approach will work but it’ll certainly weed out the men who aren’t looking for a relationship.
The author caps off this Q and A session with eye gazing for 2 to 4 minutes.
Have you ever eye gazed?
It’s not easy to do. In the beginning it’s awkward. You may laugh a bit. Roll your eyes. But then you start to FEEL something. A connection. You start to SEE someone as a vulnerable human being. You soften. They react.
It’s actually quite beautiful.
So maybe these questions will be as effective as my Love Spell, but I’m willing to give anything a try. . .
Here are some of my favorite questions to ask on a first date, along with my answers to them. Note #19 is NON-NEGOTIABLE.
- You have a plane ticket to go anywhere in the world. Where do you go and why? (Australia. To dive the Great Barrier Reef and visit the Zoo.)
- Pumpkin pie – yay or nay? (Yay!)
- Do you believe in PDAs? (Of course)
- What’s your favorite body part? (The lips)
- What’s your favorite comfort food? (Middle Eastern – feta cheese with olive oil, zattar, and pita bread)
- Do you like scary movies? (Yes)
- One million dollars or true love? (True love)
- Red wine or white wine? (Red)
- Do you love animals? (Always)
- Sing in the shower – yay or nay? (Yay)
- Do you have any tattoos? (Five)
- What’s on your bedside table? (Pills, wine glass, water, and my computer)
- What superpower would you like to have? (Flight)
- Favorite cartoon character (Jessica Rabbit or She-Ra Princess of Power)
- Favorite movie of all time? (The Goonies)
- Do you collect anything? (My homemade quilts)
- Ski or snowboard? (Neither, but I’ll snowboard in a pinch)
- Best concert? (Santana or Springsteen or U2)
- Favorite Sunday morning activity? (Sex)
- Favorite dog breed? (German shepherd, mutt, or anything big)
I’ve found that this eclectic mix of questions is really good at sorting out those men with a great sense of humor from those lacking a sense of humor. Basically, if he isn’t laughing by the time I get to the end of my questions, I know he won’t get my sense of humor. And #19 is non-negotiable. I will give my answer with a straight face and his response to it will determine if he advances to the second round. Acceptable responses are: laughter, a smile, or a combination of the two. Unacceptable responses are: stammering, a long awkward pause, or an overly eager agreement with me.
So there you have it, my best collection of questions designed to sort out men who are my type from the men who just LOOK LIKE MY TYPE.