Coming of Age

I came of age in the late 80s and early 90s.

So Soleil Moon Frye’s “Kid 90” brought on a whole level of nostalgia for my youth that I anticipated but never realized would feel so powerful.

The players in my life appearing like ghosts in my mind, reminding me that we lived and loved and crossed paths while I was struggling to find my place in the world.

I remember going over to my friend Andrew’s house daily.

His house was a home base for me because:

  1. He had a pool table
  2. He had a pool, and
  3. He had two teenage-friendly, level-headed parents
  4. He was the most magnetic person I ever met.

He was the center of my social universe and I gravitated toward his family while struggling with my relationships with my parents.

We became family to one another in the 1990s.

But when Andrew was murdered in 2001, that center broke apart and in ways I understood even back then, our lives have never been the same.

Which is why remembering the 80s and 90s is so bittersweet.

One of our mutual friends is a filmmaker and he set about documenting Andrew’s life for those of us who loved him, and for those who came after him.

So I can visit the halls of my memory every time I play that movie.

The loss still weighs heavy on me and more than anything I want Andrew back, larger than life, laughing out loud as we re-enact Monty Python, Star Wars, or Doctor Who scenes with Matt, Kurt, Jon, Heather, Robin, Albert, Chris and Olivier.

Toasting our futures with White Russians, listening to grunge music while playing pool for the umpteenth time at his house.

Laughing as many of us got tattoos we knew we’d regret later.

A little moment of life back the way it was before it all fell apart.

Baggage vs Luggage

I hate the term baggage.

The idea that something that happened in the past permanently affects our future bothers me to no end.

Mostly because I don’t like the idea of someone I once loved having that much power over me.

I took away some great things from my previous relationships.  But I also took away some crap.

The ex who dumped me to marry a coworker, that was pretty shitty.

And the ex who dropped me because he said he could never make me happy, breaking my heart, that sucked too.

If I’m honest with myself, I’ll admit I have some residual baggage from those experiences.

  • Relationships make me skittish
  • It takes me a while to open up
  • I have trust issues (don’t we all)

So there you have it.  I have baggage.

What I don’t have is luggage.  Some people have luggage and you know exactly what I’m talking about.  They have a matching set of luggage you can spot a mile away.  And they haul it with great gusto from relationshit to relationshit, daring their new partner to fix what’s wrong.

I’ve met people with luggage.  And they’re remarkably successful at finding people to date, because I suppose there’s a lot of people out there who love a rescue.

I’m always reminded of my baggage every time I meet someone new and I have to share all the funny bits and pieces about myself that I don’t necessarily like but I live with.

I take a DEEP BREATH and fight the urge to run for the door.

Of course, the panic passes and I feel fine.  But for a moment there I thought I was going to dash.


Fucking baggage.




Poster child for monogamy

My friend Tom is the poster child for monogamy.

He fell in love with a woman.

They dated.

Then they shockingly broke up.

And now he’s alone without his soulmate there beside him.

By the time you reach my age (45), you’ve learned a thing or two about love.

I’ve learned that sometimes, love is not enough.

And relationships take effort and commitment.

The end result, of course, is that Tom is heartbroken.

And TOTALLY OFF THE MARKET for another relationship.

Which brings me to the point of this blog.

How many people out there are dating but have their heart still held fast by a former lover?

Everyone who has reached the age of 30, I would think.

By 30 you’ve fallen in love, at least once, and had time to actually work on a relationship.

And even though I can honestly say that my ex-boyfriend Jay holds that space in my heart, I can also say that I believe that there’s something better out there for me.

Yes, better than the best I’ve ever had.

Well, for one reason – I’m better.

Tom and I bonded over writing, music and mutually pining after our exes.

Unlike me, Tom thinks that love will pass him by unless his ex-girlfriend returns.

I however, am optimistic.

For Tom.

And for me.

Sex Magic

So there’s a group called Sex Magic and I’m intrigued by them. According to their website they are about meditation, intimacy, self-exploration, sexuality, dating and relationships and ritual. That’s quite a load of topics to keep you busy.

They’ve hosted several meetings so far – including one on dating as a spiritual practice, one on conscious sensuality and a wildly popular one on female ejaculation and prostate massage.

Let me repeat that.

One on female ejaculation and prostate massage.

Now these are not two of my favorite topics, but I’m INSANELY curious about them. So curious, I would have attended the meeting, had I only known about it.

You might think this sounds a little hokey. And you may be right. But these meeting quite frequently have licensed psychotherapists and relationship coaches as part of the presentation and discussion.  The entire group is organized by a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

Their next meeting is in February.

It’s called “Sex, Magic and Erotic Influence” and I’m going. Quite honestly, they had me at “sex”.

The seminar seeks to answer the questions:

What kind of erotic presence do you hold? 
What is the range and depth of you sexual embodiment?
What can you call forth from your lover?
What are your edges and how do they hold you back from expressing and enjoying your full erotic potential? 

Well, the last question is the kicker for me. Because if you were to ask me if I’m enjoying my full erotic potential, the answer would be “NOT AT ALL.”

Despite all the experiments I test out. Despite the OMing. And despite the blogging.

I can’t shake the feeling like there somehow should be more.

Like say a boyfriend?

Yeah, that might do it… getting a boyfriend.

Can Sex Magic help me with that?

The Swede and I


So The Swede is coming to Burning Man.

So far.

That MIGHT change, but for now, it’s still in the stars.

And in order to prep myself to go to the playa, the land of temptation and pleasure, with someone I’m dating, I really want to read more about playa relationships.

Specifically, there was an article that was circulated around in 2015 – my virgin year – which outlined the stresses relationships go through on the playa and how to deal with those stresses, which I am trying to locate.

Without any luck.

That’s right.

I can find a fucking lavender and teal ombre party dress on the internet, but I can’t find this article, which I recall was fairly substantial.

So, considering the knowledge out there that all my burner friends have, what are your top tips on how to manage a relationship at the burn?

I mean obviously there’s “Make sure each of you has alone time.”

And “Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.”

But there’s got to be more to it than alone time and communication.

What do I do if he asks to go to the Orgy Dome?

How do I greet my friends if I can’t kiss them?

How do I politely ask him to get naked with me and go to the Saunadome?

How do I make sure I respect his boundaries during the burn?

And so many more questions!

So help me out and give me your suggestions.

I’d love to hear some ideas on how to manage a relationship on playa by someone who has actually done just that.

Not a half-ass kinda gal

MichelleI was approached by a guy who wants to have a relationship with me.

Not a traditional relationship, however (if there is such a thing).

No, he wanted to create a Relationship By Design.

It has a start date and an end date and rules that get followed.

For a moment, I paused and considered his proposal.

At a brief glance, his proposal seemed okay.

But then I thought about it more.

And more.

And the more I thought about it, the less I liked it.

First of all, if I’m going to throw myself into a relationship, it’s with someone who sees himself with me now and in the foreseeable future.

Not someone who is comfortable giving US an end date.

Why be with someone who only SORTA wants me?

And then there’s the rules – nice little boundaries put in place to sanitize/stabilize the “relationship” and make it palatable for both parties.

It’s like both parties agree to give 60% or so and the relationship is supposed to work???

That’s when I knew in my bones that THIS WAS NOT FOR ME.

I don’t want rules. I don’t want end dates. I don’t want to compartmentalize my relationship.

Not with him. Not with anyone.

It feels like a Relationship by Design is a way to create a relationship that’s not meant to work and give it a temporary shelf life so that the parties involved can half ass get their needs met.

And I don’t’ half ass anything.

I’m the whole ass or nothing.

Long Distance Lust

“I want to pack you in my suitcase and take you home to Sweden,” The Swede told me.

We were walking to the bathroom at unSCruz.

He’d had some whiskey and his lips were loose.

It was utterly charming.

“I can’t ask you to wait, can I?” he asked.

“No,” I said.

My heart lurched a little bit.

This big, cuddly, soft-spoken, shy man has cleverly wormed his way into my heart.

“It’s been such a fun weekend,” I told him.

Part of me really wanted to say, “Let’s do this!”

But I know I’m no good at long distance relationships.

Not at all.

I’m not really good at relationships, fullstop.

At least not in recent times, at least.

What makes me think that I could make it work when we live 8,600+ miles apart (as the crow flies)?




Full blown LUST?

Whatever the cause – stupidity or lust, the end result is the same.

Me, single.

What else could I be?

Casual sex


So here I am in my early 40’s wondering why I’m still single.

I know a lot of people in this boat.

And we’re all for the most part reasonably attractive, educated, and funny.

I’m left wondering what is going on. Is there something materially missing from my life or am I suffering from personal shortcomings?

I came to the casual sex party a little late in the game – partly because I was married for 10+ years in my 20s, and partly because I was a Catholic for 30+ years.

Casual sex was a no-no.

Serial monogamy was acceptable.

Fast forward to the future, and my love life is all but non-existent.

That’s when casual sex started looking good.

And sometimes, I’m just saying sometimes, it just seems a lot easier to find a casual partner with no hint of relationship longevity than it is to deal with the pretenses of a relationship.

I’m just saying.

Casual sex can be a beautiful thing.


michelleI just don’t get it.

Have you ever been a witness to a relationship that was so high maintenance you SERIOUSLY questioned why you are still single while someone like him/her is coupled up?

Happens all the time to me.

My friend Eden is bat shit crazy and yet her husband stays married to her.

DESPITE the fact that she thinks she can train herself to PLUCK MONEY FROM THIN AIR.

Oh yeah.

Now I can’t event PRETEND to understand what’s going on in some people’s heads, but I do know this:

I’ve had ENTIRE RELATIONSHIPS WHERE I MADE MYSELF AS EASYGOING AND PALATABLE AS POSSIBLE and yet I’M STILL SINGLE while crazy high maintenance people the WHOLE WORLD OVER are still in relationships.

Murphy’s Law.

And have you noticed how all the CRAZY HIGH MAINTENANCE PEOPLE are coupled up to really kind and sweet partners?


Why waste a good person on a SHITTY relationship?

I kinda think that the CRAZY HIGH MAINTENANCE people should have their RELATIONSHIP CARDS revoked.

I have no problem being the RELATIONSHIP NAZI!


Otherwise people get hurt

michelle1As part of growing up and maturing, I’ve learned more about relationships than I used to know in the past.

For instance, I now know that not every relationship is monogamous.

Some are polyamorous.

And that’s okay.

Relationships aren’t a “one-size-fits-all” scenario.

I have several friends who are poly and it really works for them.

On account of the fact that I’m a jealous little possessive thing, I am not poly, nor am I looking for a poly relationship.

But that doesn’t mean that I haven’t been involved as a secondary with several poly men.

One relationship is working fine. We see each other from time to time and always enjoy each others company.

I like him a great deal and am comfortable with his other relationships.

The other relationship crashed and burned for many reasons not the least of which being that I was a “don’t-ask-don’t-tell” hidden girlfriend who was treated more like a booty call than a real girlfriend.

Now, having observed poly relationships for a certain amount of time, I have to say this:

The only way poly works is when EVERYBODY is on the same page. When there are no hidden details and everyone knows what’s going on.

If you’re poly and your partner is not, then you’ve got things to discuss BEFORE YOU CAN SAY YOU’RE IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP.

Otherwise people get hurt.