Hot tubs, little dogs, and BIG _____

imageMy friend Richard was kind enough to get me out of the house yesterday with the promise of a hot tub and a nice dinner.

Sensing that the last thing I wanted to do was have another dinner in Los Gatos, we opted for downtown Pleasanton.

Now the first thing you need to know about Richard is that he is one of the most generous people I know – hence the offer for me to spend the afternoon at his vacation home lounging in the hot tub while writing blog posts.  Would I like to lounge at the Treehouse?  Um, yes please thank you.

The second thing you need to know about Richard is that he has a really big….

…heart!  Jeez, what were you thinking?!

Yes, Richard has a huge heart as evidenced by him taking this lonely girl out for a decent meal and some good company… something I was sorely in need of.

We were eating dinner at a creperie downtown along with Kelso, Richard’s adorable Australian shepherd when Richard asked, “So what do you think of downtown Pleasanton?”

“It kinda reminds me of Los Gatos.”

Sometimes I’m a bitch

michelleSo I met Richard online via Tinder.

So far, I’ve only met one decent guy on Tinder but I KEEP TRYING.

It only took 4 text messages for Richard to ask me to move in with him.

I call BULLSHIT but whatever. Who am I to ignore a man who gets “lost in my eyes and captivated by my smile?”

I politely suggested coffee or a cocktail instead of moving in together.

I ask him why Tinder says he’s 7,794 miles away and he tells me that he was in Spain supervising a hotel building project there.

Oh really?

Is this the point in the conversation where the money hungry woman latches on to the man dangling wealth in front of her?

I didn’t take the bait.

In fact, I may have mocked him a bit.

“Let me guess. . . You work at a development company with diversified real estate holdings,” I reply.

Oh dear. Even I think I sound bitchy.

He comes back with “I own the company, actually.”

Of course he does.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

I’m pretty sure this guy is going to stop texting me anytime now.

But I can’t stop myself.

It’s like he’s a cliché and I’m trapped in a romance novel only I don’t believe a word of it.

Girl meets sexy, handsome, tall global jetsetter millionaire who falls in love with her eyes and smile and whisks her away on a whirlwind romantic tour of the world.

Yeah right!

God damn, I can be a bitch sometimes.

Hotter than Hades

Just as a heat wave hits the Bay Area, my friends and I decide to don our most festive medieval garb and hit the Renaissance Faire in Hollister at Casa de Fruta.

First we had to endure the stares of the masses at breakfast…. All 7 of us – Richard, Janet, Kylie, Phil, Jeff, Deanna and myself.

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The ride to the Ren Faire was fun what with music from Garfunkel and Oates playing over the speakers. The Loophole is a song about anal sex (shhh). Specifically, it’s about a girl who made a pact to keep her hymen intact and doesn’t want to lose her boyfriend. Her loophole is her poophole. Yes folks, it’s a song about having anal sex for Jesus.

“Fuck me in the ass because I love Jesus. It’s the sex that God can’t see.”

Okay, so it was a virtual laugh riot and we hadn’t even gotten there yet.

Once we arrived, we discovered we’d landed on the surface of the sun, with relatively appropriate temperatures. Suddenly, our petticoats, corsets, and tunics seemed way inappropriate.

 

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Nevertheless, we trudged around from shady tree to shady tree, making sure we hit the beer booth (Drynks) so frequently that I gave myself a headache.

We were a mischievous bunch, talking about all things from bunk to spunk to gulp to swallow. Incidentally, all titles of books.

My, don’t you have a dirty mind!

If you’ve never been to the Ren Fairs, imagine Disneyland in the Middle Ages, except without the walking cartoon characters. Instead they have the very formidable looking Queen and her entourage who looked stoic despite wearing three layers of velvet in 100+ degree heat.

There are booths selling all sorts of goods and services from face painting and hair braiding to pottery and clothing, all medieval of course. They even had a store selling glass dildos and butt plugs.

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We saw Men in Tights and Belly Dancers (with a male belly dancer, natch). We drank beer and shopped. All in all we had a great, albeit sweaty time at the Ren Faire.

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We stopped off at famous Dave’s BBQ in Gilroy. Tasty food was eaten by all. Although I deeply desired ribs, I ordered the salmon. Sigh. Healthier is not always tastier.

Our drive home we were supposed to listen to some funny songs which turned out to be sea chanties. And sea chanties and not funny… depressing and sad, but not funny.

By the end of the day my beer consumption had reached its maximum capacity and I found myself trying to lure myself into a sleepy coma to combat my dehydration headache. But I sure as hell went to bed feeling entertained and just a little bit lights (from all the moisture I lost sweating). Not swearing. Sweating.

I highly recommend taking a visit there with your friends to engage in a little debauchery!

 

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Hot tubs, little dogs and big ____

My friend Richard was kind enough to get me out of the house yesterday with the promise of a hot tub and a nice dinner.

Sensing that the last thing I wanted to do was have another dinner in Los Gatos, we opted for downtown Pleasanton.

Now the first thing you need to know about Richard is that he is one of the most generous people I know – hence the offer for me to spend the afternoon at his vacation home lounging in the hot tub while writing blog posts.  Would I like to lounge at the Treehouse?  Um, yes please thank you.

imageThe second thing you need to know about Richard is that he has a really big….

…heart!  Jeez, what were you thinking?!

Yes, Richard has a huge heart as evidenced by him taking this lonely girl out for a decent meal and some good company… something I was sorely in need of.

We were eating dinner at a creperie downtown along with Kelso, Richard’s adorable Australian shepherd when Richard asked, “So what do you think of downtown Pleasanton?”

“It kinda reminds me of Los Gatos.”