Good at Romance

michelleSo here’s the other side of the coin – the one I don’t talk about all that much.

I’m a closet romantic.

Yes folks, deep down inside there is a soft little fuzzy kitten just waiting to find someone to snuggle with.

I know it’s not cool.

Or hip.

Or even useful.

But there you have it.

I’ve done some romantic things in my life.

I held an Easter Egg hunt in a tree house hotel room filled with Easter eggs containing sweet little compliments and promises.

  • Good for one backrub
  • I love your dedication and drive
  • Good for one home cooked meal of your choice

For another boyfriend I got a cocktail book autographed by the author so he’d have it for his collection.

And I’ve driven literally THOUSANDS of miles to hang out with the men I loved – especially Steve, Jay, and Luke – just because I wanted to be with them.

In the end, it would be nice to be a little more romantic and a little less bawdy.

Bottom line is – it’s not like I’m incapable of romantic gestures.

I just don’t have the outlet.

Right now.

Just prepare yourself for a tsunami of sex and romance when it does happen.

Bad at Romance

michelle1First of all, I have to put up a disclaimer that says my friend Michelle would strongly disagree with what I’m about to write.

But she always sees me in a positive light.

Still, take everything I say with a grain of salt.

What I want to say is that I am bad at romance.

Yes folks, I suck at it.

I’m like a pimple faced 13 year old boy when it comes to romance.

I’ve actually said to boyfriends, “wanna knock out a piece?” and “ready to clean the pipes?”

I can’t help myself.

I just happen to be coarse when it comes to lovemaking.

I’m not sure how to ask for it so I take a humorous approach.

And that’s not all I’m bad at.

I can’t seem to wrap my head around the mushy stuff – the romantic walks, holding hands, and intimate dinners.

My idea of romance is cooking my boyfriend a steak then “knocking out a piece” on the living room floor.  If I’m feeling really decadent, we’ll make it to the bedroom.

Yes, romance for me almost always involves sex.

Perhaps that’s why when you remove it from the equation (like with the abstinent guys I have dated) I am destined to fail.

I’ve lost my ability to communicate affection.

AND it’s frustrating.

But truthfully, do men really want to be romanced?

Isn’t a steak and a blow job enough to keep them happy?

Why improve on perfection, no?

I ASPIRE to be a better lover but I’m bad at COMMUNICATING it.

Maybe, and this is a BIG MAYBE, maybe it’s just been too long since I’ve been in love.

Perhaps I’ll fall in love and the rest will take care of itself.

That would be grand.

Two scoops with a cherry on top

I watched A Star Is Born for the first time this week.

It showed up on my New Releases list and I have to admit, I’ve now watched it two times AND listened to the soundtrack.

Needless to say, I love it.

Lady Gaga does an outstanding job of portraying a young, talented songwriter who is launched into fame through a serendipitous meeting with Jack, an aging rock star with a bad substance abuse problem.

I like the movie for two reasons:

  1. It’s got a pretty surreal (implausible) plot line – girl finds INSTANT FAME – and Lady Gaga manages to pull it off with some real wide eyed innocence and excitement.
  2. Bradley Cooper. ‘Nuf said.

There are moments that stand out in my mind.

Perfectly scripted moments that sing to me when I watch them.

  • Ally staring at Jack as she lays on the bar top singing.
  • Jack peeling off Ally’s eyebrow.
  • Jack touching Ally’s nose and raving about its beauty.
  • A stolen kiss, off stage.
  • Jack’s look of amazement when Ally starts singing her own music to him, just on a lark.
  • OMG – LOVEMAKING in the dark!

For a woman with no love life to speak of herself, I sure am getting my rocks off on this movie, despite its sad ending and tragic love story.

It has been SO LONG since I’ve fallen totally madly and completely in love with someone.

But I still recognize the emotions.

Do people still fall in love like that?

Cuz I’ll have two scoops of whatever Ally’s having WITH a cherry on top!

Trailer

I watched what I thought was a trailer for a film the other night.

It was a romance of epic proportions.

Think The Notebook.

Casablanca.

Dirty Dancing.

I didn’t know the actors so I was intrigued and I kept watching.

Passionate kisses.

And then. . .

And then. . .

It was a MIGRAINE COMMERCIAL.

I’m not kidding, it turned out the “trailer” I was watching was an ad for migraine medication.

And I’m just here to say that SOMETHING IS WRONG when your migraine medication is getting more action than you.

That is all.

Good at Romance

michelleSo here’s the other side of the coin – the one I don’t talk about all that much.

I’m a closet romantic.

Yes folks, deep down inside there is a soft little fuzzy kitten just waiting to find someone to snuggle with.

I know it’s not cool.

Or hip.

Or even useful.

But there you have it.

I’ve done some romantic things in my life.

I held an Easter Egg hunt in a tree house hotel room filled with Easter eggs containing sweet little compliments and promises.

  • Good for one backrub
  • I love your dedication and drive
  • Good for one home cooked meal of your choice

For another boyfriend I got a cocktail book autographed by the author so he’d have it for his collection.

And I’ve driven literally THOUSANDS of miles to hang out with the men I loved – especially Steve, Jay, and Luke – just because I wanted to be with them.

I mean, throw in a couple of 30 minute blow jobs and you’ve got me nailed to a tee.

Sorry.

Couldn’t help myself.

[Hope my mom didn’t read that!]

In the end, it would be nice to be a little more romantic and a little less bawdy.

Bottom line is – it’s not like I’m incapable of romantic gestures.

I just don’t have the outlet.

Right now.

Just prepare yourself for a tsunami of sex and romance when it does happen.

Bad at Romance

michelle1First of all, I have to put up a disclaimer that says my friend Michelle would strongly disagree with what I’m about to write.

But she always sees me in a positive light.

Still, take everything I say with a grain of salt.

What I want to say is that I am bad at romance.

Yes folks, I suck at it.

I’m like a pimple faced 13 year old boy when it comes to romance.

I’ve actually said to boyfriends, “wanna knock out a piece?” and “ready to clean the pipes?”

I can’t help myself.

I just happen to be coarse when it comes to lovemaking.

I’m not sure how to ask for it so I take a humorous approach.

And that’s not all I’m bad at.

I can’t seem to wrap my head around the mushy stuff – the romantic walks, holding hands, and intimate dinners.

My idea of romance is cooking my boyfriend a steak then “knocking out a piece” on the living room floor.  If I’m feeling really decadent, we’ll make it to the bedroom.

Yes, romance for me almost always involves sex.

Perhaps that’s why when you remove it from the equation (like with the abstinent guys I have dated) I am destined to fail.

I’ve lost my ability to communicate affection.

AND it’s frustrating.

But truthfully, do men really want to be romanced?

Isn’t a steak and a blow job enough to keep them happy?

Why improve on perfection, no?

I ASPIRE to be a better lover but I’m bad at COMMUNICATING it.

Maybe, and this is a BIG MAYBE, maybe it’s just been too long since I’ve been in love.

Perhaps I’ll fall in love and the rest will take care of itself.

That would be grand.

Sometimes I’m a bitch

michelleSo I met Richard online via Tinder.

So far, I’ve only met one decent guy on Tinder but I KEEP TRYING.

It only took 4 text messages for Richard to ask me to move in with him.

I call BULLSHIT but whatever. Who am I to ignore a man who gets “lost in my eyes and captivated by my smile?”

I politely suggested coffee or a cocktail instead of moving in together.

I ask him why Tinder says he’s 7,794 miles away and he tells me that he was in Spain supervising a hotel building project there.

Oh really?

Is this the point in the conversation where the money hungry woman latches on to the man dangling wealth in front of her?

I didn’t take the bait.

In fact, I may have mocked him a bit.

“Let me guess. . . You work at a development company with diversified real estate holdings,” I reply.

Oh dear. Even I think I sound bitchy.

He comes back with “I own the company, actually.”

Of course he does.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

I’m pretty sure this guy is going to stop texting me anytime now.

But I can’t stop myself.

It’s like he’s a cliché and I’m trapped in a romance novel only I don’t believe a word of it.

Girl meets sexy, handsome, tall global jetsetter millionaire who falls in love with her eyes and smile and whisks her away on a whirlwind romantic tour of the world.

Yeah right!

God damn, I can be a bitch sometimes.

Romantic

MichelleI’ve been thinking a lot about love lately, and how we express it.

I love a man who holds a woman’s hand in public. The other day I saw an older couple holding hands in the park and it made me pause in my mental stream just to admire their affection for each other.

Or even an arm around her shoulders is nice. Plenty of love flowing when he’s got an arm draped over her and is pulling her in close.

I suppose you could say I like PDAs, or rather I’m a fan of the emotion that leads to the spontaneity of a PDA. When someone succumbs to a feeling of love or lust or both and reaches out to touch their partner in a special way – hand holding, arm around the shoulders, kiss, hug, etc. – I just get a little weak in the knees.

But my favorite sign of affection is the “just because” gift. The surprise takeout meal he brought home because he knew you’d be tired and not want to cook. The card he left for you on your windshield.  Just because.

I once had a boyfriend come over my house and wash my car for me. Just because it needed it. SUPER great surprise, btw. As I recall I thanked him most thoroughly.

I had a boyfriend once copy the entire e.e. cummings poem ‘i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)’ poem into an ENORMOUS card he crafted for me out of posterboard. I cherish that card as much as I cherish the notes and papers my boys have given me over the years.

I think romance however, isn’t about getting the big things right. It’s about not missing the little opportunities to show that you care.

So throw out your old bills. Save your old love letters. Hold someone’s hand. Make someone know how special they are to you.

From sexting to camming: Romance in the digital age

Mystery Man is driving me completely crazy.

I know I’m not supposed to blog about him because I might let something slip and all our high school friends might guess who he is.

But I just can’t help myself.

He is so freaking sexy.

And his writing is impeccable when he sexts me.  And he sexts me often.

He’s got the sexting etiquette down pat.  And he should since I sent him my blog post on the subject.

I can’t wait to break out the web cam with him and take this flirtation to the next level.

I am a newbie at the web cam, however.  So I checked out web cam etiquette and these seem to be the prevailing rules:

  1. Nudity is okay.  In my case it’s encouraged.
  2. Use mute when you’re not speaking
  3. Make frequent eye contact, if at all possible.
  4. Dress nice, don’t be slovenly.  You may be in your home office but that doesn’t mean you should be wearing sweats.  Birthday suits are preferred.
  5. Don’t lose focus.  It’s not polite to so something else while using your web cam.  Unless it’s part of the entertainment.
  6. Be well lit.  No one wants to squint in the dark to see you.
  7. Don’t bring up politics or religion (ever).  Conversation isn’t really there point here, is it?
  8. Do not show your domain (where you live).
  9. Don’t be afraid to move the camera for a better view.  Pretend like you’re in a Hollywood film and move the camera from time to time.
  10. Make sure to conclude nicely.  Thank you partner and make another “date” if you’re so inclined.

So there you have it… the best Rules of the Game that I could find on the internet. If you do start camming, don’t forget to message me and say hello (michelle@unblunder.com)!  Enjoy!