Steel Knickers

This could be TMI but I’m gonna go there.

I’ve had no below-the-belt action since 2018.

Now, in a way this is a good thing.

I don’t have to shave my legs.

I don’t have to wax.

I don’t even blow dry my hair anymore.

Personal maintenance is at an all-time low (although the makeup routine is strong and steady).

There’s such little action that I am considering steel knickers.

Cement panties?

I mean, what’s the point of fancy lingerie when no one sees it?

The other day, a bouquet of flowers was delivered to my desk.

I have to admit, I got a little excited when I saw them.

Maybe a man sent them to me?

But no, it was no man.

Just a colleague.

My initial reaction reminded me of the fact that I do want to have a relationship.

Despite being pretty comfortable with my single status.

Isn’t life better with someone to love?

Of course it is.

The little (and I mean TINY) romantic in me is just waiting to love someone up.

The truculent bitch in me is saying, “So what?  Who needs a man?”

Well, duh.

Me.

Me and the Universe

Not many of you know this but I started this blog when I was in Law School in 2005.

I fully intended to walk the straight and narrow and document how I WAS FINALLY GETTING THINGS RIGHT IN MY LIFE.

Of course, it turned into something else.

It just goes to show, you can’t pretend to be something you’re not and keep up the pretense for any length of time.

Eventually the real you shines through.

I thought I could make myself into someone classy, poised, and perfect. Instead I discovered I’m earthy, funny, and full of flaws.

I think the time has come for this blog to evolve AGAIN.

Into something with a little more soul and a little less frivolity.

I’ve been commiserating with a friend about our mutual single statuses.

We both have discovered recently that we have certain “problems.”

He is addicted to being in relationships.

I am addicted to the rush of a new sexual relationship.

It makes for very interesting conversations between us – the romantic and the cynic.

One of us fantasizes about snuggling and smelling his lover’s hair.

The other one of us fantasizes about getting down and dirty.

It’s a very interesting conundrum.

He could use a little dose of my cynicism and I could use a little dose of his romanticism.

If you merged us into one human being, we’d make the perfect partner.

The irony is, this friend hasn’t been a close part of my life for at least a decade.

But now we find ourselves thrown together by chance and circumstance.

And I think perhaps his perspective is the one I need the most right now.

Which reminds me that the universe is unfolding EXACTLY as it should.

And I am EXACTLY where I need to be.

With EXACTLY who I need to be with.

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Good at Romance

michelleSo here’s the other side of the coin – the one I don’t talk about all that much.

I’m a closet romantic.

Yes folks, deep down inside there is a soft little fuzzy kitten just waiting to find someone to snuggle with.

I know it’s not cool.

Or hip.

Or even useful.

But there you have it.

I’ve done some romantic things in my life.

I held an Easter Egg hunt in a tree house hotel room filled with Easter eggs containing sweet little compliments and promises.

  • Good for one backrub
  • I love your dedication and drive
  • Good for one home cooked meal of your choice

For another boyfriend I got a cocktail book autographed by the author so he’d have it for his collection.

And I’ve driven literally THOUSANDS of miles to hang out with the men I loved – especially Steve, Jay, and Luke – just because I wanted to be with them.

I mean, throw in a couple of 30 minute blow jobs and you’ve got me nailed to a tee.

Sorry.

Couldn’t help myself.

[Hope my mom didn’t read that!]

In the end, it would be nice to be a little more romantic and a little less bawdy.

Bottom line is – it’s not like I’m incapable of romantic gestures.

I just don’t have the outlet.

Right now.

Just prepare yourself for a tsunami of sex and romance when it does happen.

Bad at Romance

michelle1First of all, I have to put up a disclaimer that says my friend Michelle would strongly disagree with what I’m about to write.

But she always sees me in a positive light.

Still, take everything I say with a grain of salt.

What I want to say is that I am bad at romance.

Yes folks, I suck at it.

I’m like a pimple faced 13 year old boy when it comes to romance.

I’ve actually said to boyfriends, “wanna knock out a piece?” and “ready to clean the pipes?”

I can’t help myself.

I just happen to be coarse when it comes to lovemaking.

I’m not sure how to ask for it so I take a humorous approach.

And that’s not all I’m bad at.

I can’t seem to wrap my head around the mushy stuff – the romantic walks, holding hands, and intimate dinners.

My idea of romance is cooking my boyfriend a steak then “knocking out a piece” on the living room floor.  If I’m feeling really decadent, we’ll make it to the bedroom.

Yes, romance for me almost always involves sex.

Perhaps that’s why when you remove it from the equation (like with the abstinent guys I have dated) I am destined to fail.

I’ve lost my ability to communicate affection.

AND it’s frustrating.

But truthfully, do men really want to be romanced?

Isn’t a steak and a blow job enough to keep them happy?

Why improve on perfection, no?

I ASPIRE to be a better lover but I’m bad at COMMUNICATING it.

Maybe, and this is a BIG MAYBE, maybe it’s just been too long since I’ve been in love.

Perhaps I’ll fall in love and the rest will take care of itself.

That would be grand.

Spooning and forking

spooningI once joked, “I may be spooning but I’d rather be forking.”

How true that statement is.

So you can imagine the challenge to my nature when I met a guy who liked to spoon.

What?

No forking?

What’s up with that?!

I felt like the man in the relationship, constantly trying to angle my way in to get a little action.

You know… wiggling my butt against sensitive places hoping to “wake” someone up.

And usually it worked and I’d get some.

But it was hard on me, all that snuggling with no intended action in sight.

I like snuggling AFTER the match, not before.

What it did was teach me a thing or two about being romantic.

  • Snuggling is a perfect time to show appreciation for your lover.
  • Snuggling is also the perfect time to have a nice conversation with your lover.
  • And snuggling is a good way to wake up all your senses to what is possible.

And so it is rather ironic that I can say that snuggling made me a better lover.

Not having sex made me better at sex.

Don’t get me wrong, I still expect to be forking at the end of the spooning, but at least I’ve learned a thing or two about slowing it down and taking a moment to enjoy my partner.

Breathe your partner in.

Savor their body.

Then get down to business.

How to be More Romantic

1.  Always, always have “Let’s Get it on” by Marvin Gaye on hand. You never know when you need to sex breakfast up.

2.  Note that every once in a while, a girl loves to get tossed onto the bed and kissed like she’s freaking Scarlett O’Hara.

3.  Pay attention and be thoughtful. Surprise her with little things that show you care (like buying a litte something for her or recording her favorite show). Whatever says “I was thinking about you” will work.

4.  Be there for her. Sometimes we just need to let it out. Be sensitive to our needs. Listen.

5.  Flowers. I don’t care how many times a woman says she doesn’t need flowers, she still LOVES receiving them. Even if you pick it from the bush outside her apartment.

6.  Be creative. Don’t just celebrate the big holidays, celebrate Thursday just because and surprise her.

7.  Play with her hair. Don’t get it all natty, just play with it with your fingertips. We love that.

8.  If you have an accent and speak a different language, never speak English again.

9.  Give her a card, but actually write a beautiful sentiment on it, don’t just sign your name.

10.  Write a poem. Then let Google translate it into French or Spanish or some exotic language and read it to her. Try to use words like amazing, lovely, and beautiful not sexy, hot and smokin’.

Need to improve your sex life?

1.  Toys (THIS is my newest favorite)

2.  Costumes (THIS is a popular choice as is THIS)

3.  Role Play

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4.  Get naughty in public – let your hands wander, make out, have fun!

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5.  Watch sexy movies (suggestions HERE)

6.  Watch porn together (try Candida Royalle or Dane Jones if you want more couples-friendly porn).

4906236a5e4c319bbd0d22d32c882ac27.  New lingerie (LINK)

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8.  Date night!  Do something fun together.  Plan to get lucky when you go home.

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9.  Be romantic.  Flowers and champagne go a long way….

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10.  Share fantasies.  Don’t know how?  Read THIS guide.

11.  Yoga.  Especially when naked 😉 [LINK]

12.  Take a shower together.  I recommend doing this on a regular basis!

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13.  Do it every day for a week.  Reacclimate your body to your standards of yesteryear.

14.  Try OMing.  Don’t know what that is?  Click HERE.

15.  Go to a NAKED SPA and relax in your birthday suit.  If you can’t do that rent a PRIVATE HOT TUB ROOM and have fun.

16.  Take a mini vacation/road trip to someplace nice.  Pretend you’re hooking up with a stranger in your hotel room and enjoy yourselves.

17.  Try different sexual positions.

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18.  Read erotica to eachother. [LINK]

19.  Wine.  ‘Nuff said.

20.  Get some good lube.  This SH*T is awesome.  Buy a gallon of it.

21.  Try a little D/S.  Don’t know what that is?  Click HERE for the lite version (what is popular right now) or read THIS for the more advanced.