Crash and burn

So, as it turns out, I DID NOT GO HIKING LAST WEEK.

No.

Instead I got stood up.

Irony is, I’m not entirely sure I didn’t deserve to be stood up.

I wrote a post titled “PUSSY” about a man who could only whisper the word pussy out loud and I titled it (naturally) Pussy, not in reference to him but in reference to the word he could barely say.

Well, I think he took it the wrong way.

And honestly, who can blame him?

Sometimes I can be truly dense.

If the tables had been turned, I’m sure I would’ve been outraged.

He stayed calm and cool but he sure as hell didn’t go for a hike with me.

And after all the drama that ensued, I’m afraid we created too big a barrier for our newfound friendship to withstand.

Oh sure, he’s my friend on Facebook, but I don’t expect to be seeing him anytime soon.

I’d apologize to him for my lack of sensitivity, but I made a promise to myself to leave him alone and I’m keeping that promise.

In any case, I’m left once again with no partner to go hiking with.

No one to exercise with.

Sad face.

I really was looking forward to working out, even if I was grumbling about it.

I don’t like doing things I’m not instantly good at and it’s a steep learning curve to get in shape when you haven’t exercised in years.

All this time I’ve been railing against the men I meet, criticizing them for being rude, boring or alcoholic and here I am a perfect specimen of a ball-buster.

Sometimes, I’m a bitch.

Screw Up

Okay, so I lost 13 pounds in three weeks then proceeded to gain 1 pound back.

Apparently you can’t binge drink beer on a pub crawl and expect to lose weight.

Who knew?

Anyhow, it’s not been an easy road these last two weeks.

With mom in the hospital and my anxiety/stress kicking into overtime, I’ve been eating (and OH GOD, DRINKING!) to comfort myself.

Sigh.

Fried chicken.

Pizza.

Gin and tonics.

MANY of them (followed by a sobbing call to the BFF to cry about my mom).

Thankfully, I seem to have recovered from my misdeeds.

I’m back on the diet, eating bars and sucking down protein shakes.

Occasionally I go off plan and eat an egg (or three) and pickles.

Oh, and boy do I love the occasional mozzarella stick!

I could fantasize about food for PAGES, but I won’t.

I know how you all think I’m perfect and this may come as a shock to you, but I fucking screw up a lot.

A LOT!

This blog ain’t called unblunder for no reason. . .

I actually made out with a man and then…

You will not believe what I just did.

I was sitting in Dave’s BMW in my driveway. I was impressed by his car. It’s lovely and wonderful and sexy. I’m also impressed by Dave. He is sexy and smart and funny.

So we have a great night watching the sun set over the Los Gatos Mountains at the Testarossa Winery. Then we had a wonderful dinner at a local Thai restaurant. And we laugh as we realize he’s the introvert and I’m the extrovert (shocking, I know). And he laughs at all my jokes and witty comments. And I’m amazed at the fact that even though I’m not being overtly sexual, he still seems to like me.

And isn’t that AMAZING?!

Only I blew it.

Actually, I BLEW IT!

It was terrible.

We kissed for 10 minutes before we said goodnight. I got out of his car and walked to my front door. And as he was driving away I said, “Goodnight DAN!”

Oh eff!

What did I just say?

“Goodnight Dave,” I corrected. But it was too late.

How late?

We’ll find out but I’m thinking I won’t hear from him again.

And I would deserve it.

EFFING DAN!!!!

 

UPDATE: I texted Dave and asked him to forgive me.

“Sorry I called you Dan. I hope you forgive me. XO”

“I forgive you. You can make it up to me next time. Thank you for a wonderful night. I had fun.”

Oh excellent.

“If I can lure you over to my house, I have a bottle of Bowmore that will be waiting for you to enjoy,” he texted.

“You don’t need Bowmore to lure me over,” I replied.

“Good then. I can’t wait to see you here. Have a good night.”

Ta da! And Michelle skates free of her mixup and wins the DO-OVER!