So I met Joe

Joe is handsome and funny.

Not exactly the tallest guy I’ve ever met, but still can hold his own in a showdown with me in 4” heels.

Joe is a diver and it excites him that I am a Rescue Diver.

Of course, he doesn’t know I haven’t dove in years because of that panic attack I had underwater caused by blood pressure changes in a too tight wetsuit hood.

Joe called me up and we chatted for a little while.

He is keen to go out and I was kind of excited too.

He’s got daughters after all and Lord knows I want to wind up with a man with daughters.

All on account of I have none of my own.

In so many ways, Joe seemed PERFECT for me.

Daughters. Adventurous spirit. World traveler. Funny.

So I showed his profile to Barbara, just to see if he could get the BARBARA STAMP OF APPROVAL.

Barbara is probably the toughest of all my friends to approve the men I date.

She’s not called The Hammer for nothing.

LOL

And that’s when it happened.

I glanced at his profile and saw “Separated” as his marital status.

As in STILL FUCKING MARRIED!

Jesus F. Christ!

Nevermind.

Strike THREE!

My experiences online dating have been frustrating, as of late.

To begin with, there are a lot of guys who live VERY FAR AWAY who are messaging me.

No, I DON’T want to travel to fricking MODESTO for a date.

I think not.

Not that the men aren’t tempting.

I get all excited because I see a lumberjack is emailing me only to find out that he lives in Manteca.

Apparently there are a plethora of lumberjacks living in the Central Valley.

Then there’s this guy who lives in the East Bay and I think, “Ok. Maybe. . .”

screen-shot-2017-02-16-at-10-21-07-amHandsome.  Love the beard.  Hoping he has tattoos.

So I go check out his profile and I notice he’s spelled coffee “coffey.”

Strike one.

So I read his profile and notice that he also spelled “too” wrong.

As in “Not TO much to ask for.”

Strike two.

And finally, as I’m reviewing his profile, I note that he’s “separated” as in “MARRIED” and we all know how I feel about dating “separated” men.

Strike three.

YOU’RE OUT!

Separated vs SEPARATED

michelleThere’s been some discussion over me refusing to date men who are merely separated from their wives.

I call it MARRIED (and it is) however there are extenuating circumstances.

Somebody who separated with his wife on December 26th and gets on Match.com December 29th is separated.

Not SEPARATED.

To be SEPARATED requires time and distance. Occasionally a restraining order.

I dated a guy once.

We’ll call him Luke, though we could just as easily call him Asshat or Buttwipe.

Luke separated from his wife after the holidays as well.

6 months later he and I were dating.

Fast forward one year and I’m having a miscarriage all by myself followed swiftly by him leaving me for another woman who he married.

Now you know why I could nickname him Asshat or Buttwipe.

He was NO PRIZE BULL.

But enough of the name calling.

Luke was SEPARATED.

He was capable of being in a relationship with another human being (after 6 months of fucking off – “Fuck” being the operative word).

Luke is the exception to the rule.

But overall, my experience with MARRIED aka separated men has not been good.

Pardon my French, but they’d all take a FLYING FUCK at a rolling donut if it meant they could add another notch in their bedpost.

So yes, barring some extreme explanation on their profile as to why they are separated and not yet divorced, I WILL AVOID ANY AND ALL separated MEN.

My theory is it takes about 2 years for a guy to become emotionally “available” after a separation anyways.

So, take everything with a grain of salt, but it is unlikely you will see the DRAMA of me in a relationship with a married/separated man play out on unblunder.

I’ve got much better options to squander my time with.