Things that gross me out in pornos

I’ll admit it.

I like porn.

Its fun to watch other people.

I’m a bit of a voyeur when it comes to sex.

I’m also an exhibitionist.

But there are some things that go on in pornos that I CAN’T STAND.

  1. When the man SPITS on the woman to “lube her up.” Spit isn’t lube. Ew, gross!
  2. Rose budding. Don’t even google it. You don’t want to know what it is. You’ve been warned!
  3. Going from anal to oral sex. Just no.
  4. When there’s no foreplay. I can’t ramp myself up without a little foreplay.
  5. When the guy looks like Ron Jeremy.
  6. When the women are obviously faking it. I like it when the actors are INTO what they are doing. Enthusiasm is EVERYTHING!
  7. Make me squirm.
  8. Lots of gagging and salivating during a blowjob. Men, I think, LOVE this. As a woman, I hate it.
  9. I’m just going to come out and say it – eating cum. I don’t mind it in my mouth but it’s not food so I’m NOT going to eat it. TMI?
  10. Plastic women. Give me a girl with a little jiggle and I’m happy.

Birth Control

I am not a big fan of birth control.

Ever since I got a depo shot and proceeded to cry for the next three months, I’m loathe to alter my hormones.

It was such a horrific experience, it traumatized not only me but my ex-husband who agreed to use condoms for birth control for the rest of our marriage (10 years).

Perhaps this is why he got me pregnant five times. . .

I may not be a fan of birth control, but I’m even less of a fan of unwanted pregnancies, so needless to say I usually have some form of birth control on me.

The nice thing about going through a real hormonal cycle is getting to enjoy your hormones when you ovulate.

It’s seriously the one reason why my ex-husband didn’t complain about using condoms.

For one week out of the month, I was literally GAGGING for it.

He worked the swing shift and I would call him up and beg him to come home and “take care of business.”

I couldn’t get enough.

Now that I’m single, it’s s double-edged sword.

On the one hand, I get to enjoy the ride.

On the other hand, there’s no one coming home to me to “take care of business.”

I also have to be careful because I date men of a certain age who don’t like to wear condoms.

I politely explain that I’m not on birth control and how do they feel about an 18-year financial commitment?

It forces them to slip one on.

The irony is that I HATE condoms.

But since I hate condoms less than I hate unwanted pregnancy, I a compelled to use them.

And voila!

No babies. No STIs.

Two birds. One stone.

Me and Murphy’s Law

What do you think about The Swede coming to Burning Man?

O. M. G.

Right?

I’m beside myself with excitement and trepidation!

First of all, I get excited at the prospect of any of my friends going to Burning Man with me. I love the burn and I love sharing the experience with others.

Secondly, I’ve never had a partner go with me to Burning Man and hang out with me. So this would be something new.

And lastly. . . hello. . . SEX!

Who doesn’t want a tidal wave of that on the playa?

I know I do and last year there was a D R O U G H T.

But. . .

You know I’m a planner and ALL MY PLANS WOULD BASICALLY BE TOSSED OUT THE WINDOW.

I’d have to start all over from scratch (including bringing MORE condoms).

LOL

The food and beverages.

The sleeping arrangements.

The interactivity.

You know how I like to STICK TO THE PLAN.

In addition to changing plans, there’s another concern.

Burning Man is like a hot cauldron for relationships.

If you’re not strong, you won’t survive.

And The Swede and I have just a wee baby relationship.

Dare I put it to the test THIS EARLY ON?

Ultimately, I think The Swede will not go to Burning Man because I want him to go and Murphy’s Law dictates that I won’t get what I want.

But I LOVE knowing that he does actually want to go.

And who knows, maybe Murphy’s Law will fail.

Finger crossed!

What’s up Tinder?!

What’s up Tinder?!

It’s a hookup culture online.

I could go through men like a woman with hayfever goes through tissues in the spring.

Next!

Next!

Next!

It’s absolutely crazy how frequently I get asked for sex.

Dr. Blockhead is just one of MANY men who proposition me during our VERY FIRST TEXT conversation.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, eh?

Well despite how displeased I am to get asked for sex all the fucking time (like I’m some sort of hooker), there are WORSE situations than that.

Worse than being a hooker?

Impossible.

But oh yes, there is.

My girlfriend suffers from what I call the “Buy me an iTunes card” phenomenon.

She’s been on Tinder a month and in that time she’s had 5 guys ask her for money – usually in the form of an iTunes gift card.

What?

Why an iTunes card?

But even more dumbfounding is that they’re asking at all.

Grown men.

Supposedly employed.

Are they looking for a sugar mama?

And if they are, shouldn’t they look like Zac Efron or George Clooney and not a paunchy, middle aged, balding engineer with poor taste in polo shirts?

I’m just saying.

This post is hard to write

This post is hard to write.

That’s because I’m going to talk about something that is taboo but that we all do.

Period sex.

Come on now!

Don’t tell me you’ve never done it.

There were times I did it and no one even KNEW (swingers taught me secret little techniques to cover it up).

That being said, I have a few rules about it.

  1. Never for the first time
  2. Always be honest about it

And so I’ve followed those rules.

Until someone came along who appealed to me greatly.

So I broke rule #1.

And let me tell you this – IT. WAS. AMAZING.

Yes it was.

I was SUPER sensitive and starving for it.

He was more than capable of satisfying.

I warned him.

We still went there.

And I am so glad we did because I’ve literally been thinking of nothing else since then.

Of course, the clean up always gets me a little bit.

I felt sheepish and brought him a warm, wet towel.

I inwardly groaned when I saw the red-brown stain on the bright white towel.

I don’t know why but I would’ve preferred if it had been bright red instead of rust colored.

I swallowed the urge to run away.

I am a grown woman.

I gave him a choice.

And we went for it.

And BOY did WE GO FOR IT!

New Bucket List Item

I’ve got a lot on my bucket list.

Things like visit Greece and Australia.

Go great white shark diving.

Dance all night at Burning Man (I haven’t done this yet).

Just the other day, I realized I had a new Bucket List item.

Something I was jonesing for hard.

Sex with a Swede.

Actually, sex with THE Swede. Fullstop.

I know. I know.

I’ve known him for a full year and we haven’t gotten around to it yet.

In my defense, he does live in Stockholm, 99% of the time.

It’s not like we’ve had the opportunity.

But there we were in his hotel room, rolling around on the bed, kissing and groping when I realized that I wanted this man.

Bad.

Ding!

I just added him to my bucket list.

Have you ever heard of a bucket list, I asked him.

Yes, he replied.

Guess what’s on my bucket list, I prodded him.

I don’t know. What’s on your bucket list, he asked.

“Sex with a Swede,” I whispered in his ear.

“I can help with that,” he offered. . .

My ridiculous vow of abstinence

michelleI know I said that I was going to go 90 days without sex, but I’m rethinking the wisdom of that.

It’s not that I CAN’T achieve my goal.

After all, I’m not even TRYING to go out on dates with anybody ever since the last fiasco where I met a. . . GASP. . . TRUMP SUPPORTER.

I know, I know!

It was BAD!

So there are no opportunities for me to break my vow of abstinence.

Currently.

However, I’ve noticed that my consumption of soft core porn has increased.

This is a sure sign that my hormones are trying to WAKE ME UP and GET ME MOVING.

I know that every time I watch the naked bare butt scene in P.S. I Love You, I’m looking to get my rocks off.

And when I break out Red Shoe Diaries, you can be sure I’m in the mood.

I was even so desperate, I watched 50 Shades of Grey.

You know you’re in bad shape when you watch that movie.

So I repeat myself – it’s not that I CAN’T achieve my goal, the question is more, WHY WOULD I WANT TO?

The Best Lover

charlie_beachBy far, the best lover I ever had was an Australian living in the US named Charlie.

He was the first bald headed guy I ever went out with.

And he was also the first married but separated man I attempted to date.

Charlie was extraordinary in bed, not because he had wicked skills or some special talents, but because he was so ALL CONSUMING IN BED HE LEFT YOU TOTALLY SPENT.

Now, I tend to be a take charge kind of girl.

But Charlie would have none of that.

When he kissed me, it was like he was POURING himself into me.

He’d grab me by the back of my neck and wrap his hand around my cheek and all of a sudden there was nothing.

But.

His.

Kiss.

I remember that sense of losing touch with reality when I was with him.

Of course as the clothes came off, things got even better.

Being held in his arms was like being enveloped in the woods – you were surrounded by masculinity, hardness, muskiness and strength.

Technically, you could find your way out, but why would you want to?

He was all hands and mouth and they were constantly seeking out your sensitive spots. I always felt like he was everywhere all at once.

And Charlie had a “thing.”

He liked being pressed into the mattress.

I remember this well.

He’d be on bottom, I’d be on top with my hands splayed out on his chest, pushing my weight down on him into the bed.

It was a style uniquely suited to him.

In doggie style, he’d wrap his body over mine and grab my wrists, squeezing me into his body, like we were going to merge into one.

There was so much skin to skin contact I couldn’t tell where I ended and he began.

All I know was that it felt good.

I’ll never forget the kind of lover Charlie was.

Maybe that’s why he holds a special place in my heart even though it was just a short lived fling.

And beyond being a spectacular lover, he was also just an all around great guy. The kind you’d go camping with, go fishing with, or take on a just-for-fun road trip.

That kind of man is worth his weight in gold.

Sigh!

Save

Gourmet or fast food

MichelleI was reading a Facebook post of a friend who coaches, educates, and speaks to women and couples about the sexual mechanics of women’s arousal, desire, and satisfaction.

In her post, she questioned whether the sex I am getting is gourmet or fast food.

And I paused for a millisecond before my brain jumped to FAST FOOD.

And can I tell you I was HORRIFIED at this thought.

Am I a cheesy fast food burger and not prime rib?

Do I value quantity over quality?

And the answer was pretty simple.

Yes, I’m a quantity girl. I like it and I like a lot of it.

However, and this takes a lot to admit, it’s only FAST FOOD because I’m not in love with any of my partners and that’s what elevates sex from the dregs of fast food to the zenith of gourmet prime rib.

It’s not like it’s not good.

I just know there’s something better out there.

And, of course, ultimately I totally REJECT the idea that I’m having fast food sex.

More like chicken fried steak with a side of biscuits and A LOT OF GRAVY.

Yup, that’s me.

Password Protected Posts: P3

Here is a listing of my password protected posts, as of today:

Ecstasy – https://unblunder.com/2015/07/10/ot-ecstasy/

SoulFire XXX – https://unblunder.com/2015/07/08/ot-soulfire-xxx/

The Wet Munch – https://unblunder.com/2015/06/12/ot-the-wet-munch/

More toys – https://unblunder.com/2015/06/02/ot-more-toys/

Debauchery – https://unblunder.com/2015/06/01/ot-debauchery/

The Shower – https://unblunder.com/2015/05/27/ot-the-shower/

OMgasm – https://unblunder.com/2015/05/13/ot-omgasm/

Motherload – https://unblunder.com/2015/05/05/ot-motherload/

A Spanking with a twist – https://unblunder.com/2015/04/26/ot-a-spanking-with-a-twist/

My X Rated Date with The Pirate – https://unblunder.com/2015/04/25/ot-my-x-rated-date-with-the-pirate/

Lex and Eden – https://unblunder.com/2014/11/25/ot-lex-and-eden/

The Collaring – https://unblunder.com/2014/11/25/ot-the-collaring/

On being a trainer pussy – https://unblunder.com/2014/11/11/ot-on-being-a-trainer-pussy/

The Trampoline – https://unblunder.com/2014/11/07/ot-the-trampoline/

Trainer Pussy – https://unblunder.com/2014/11/06/ot-trainer-pussy/

Michelada and a threesome – https://unblunder.com/2014/10/27/ot-michelada-and-a-threesome/

Maestro – https://unblunder.com/2014/10/27/ot-maestro/

She Makes it Hot – https://unblunder.com/2014/10/17/ot-she-makes-it-hot/

The Assistant – https://unblunder.com/2014/10/16/ot-the-assistant/

Eden and Adrienne and Lex, oh my! – https://unblunder.com/2014/10/16/ot-eden-and-adrienne-and-lex-oh-my/