Armchair travels

It’s been a CRAZY roller coaster month, has it not?

With everyone settling into social distancing and shelter-at-home, it’s become SO FRIGGING EASY TO SEXT IT’S LAUGHABLE.

Not that it wasn’t easy to begin with but I’m noticing that all of a sudden EVERYONE is doing it barely a scant three minutes into texting.

It’s as if we’re all cooped up and our frustrations are building to a fever pitch.

And maybe that’s what’s happening.

Too long going without.

Apparently, there are porn subscriptions being given out for free due to the extraordinary times we are living in.

Personally, I choose to do something more productive with my time and so I’ve started watching YouTube videos on speaking Swedish.

Because I’ve started learning it, so I might as well keep going.

But between you and I, I’m loving this new passport feature of Tinder where you can meet people all over the world.

Breakfast in Paris, lunch in Sydney and dinner in New York City.

Not a bad way to spend a day.

 

Glow in the dark

I have this friend.

We’ll call him Bob.

Bob is fiendishly obsessed with pornography.

I know this because he admitted to me that he masturbates close to ten times a day.

I didn’t know that was even POSSIBLE.

Seems like someone who can do that shouldn’t be a Senior Construction Engineer, but a porn star.

Clearly, the man has a talent.

Or an imbalance.

You be the judge.

Bob and I used to sext.

He gave good sext, I like to say.

He was graphic without being disgusting.

He used punctuation properly.

Nothing worse than a poorly typed sext message.

Yes, I am a grammar snob.

Bob liked to send dick pics, and lots of them.

And there was something remarkable about these pictures.

Bob’s UNIT virtually GLOWED IN THE DARK.

It was so well-polished from years of [ahem] use.

You may be wondering why I’m telling you all this and the answer is simple.

Yesterday, Bob called to tell me that he’s getting married.

That’s right.

Married.

Now, if a guy who masturbates 10 times a day (honestly, who has the time?) can meet a woman, fall in love, and get engaged, then there’s HOPE FOR ME!

And don’t you feel a little bit sorry for his bride-to-be?

I’ll bet he’s on her like white on rice!

Par for the course

I really don’t want to write this post.

I met ANOTHER man who turned out to be ANOTHER dirtbag.

I’m sort of a little stunned by this turn of events.

Even though it seems to happen all the time now.

We met online and started texting.

I gave him my phone number and we continued to text directly.

He seemed interesting – successful, handsome, South American. . .

Then he sent me some wonky texts, hinting at a BDSM inclination.

So I was direct:

Now, it’s not that I mind BDSM activities. Power exchange can be a lot of fun. But when you lead with that, it makes me think there’s very little behind the façade and I lose interest.

I realized this guy had no long term prospects with me so I decided to play with him a bit.

We sexted.

Yes, I’m not so proud that I did it, but hey, I was lonely and horny and he was there.

We went back and forth with fantasies.

He of course assumed he could top me and so in the end, his final text to me was “I came right in your tight ass.”

Really?

Cuz that does absolutely NOTHING for me.

Sigh.

I disappeared pretty quickly once I watched his final video.

“I hate to sext and run but I’m falling asleep.”

And I was.

It was 2 am!

So there you have it. Michelle meets a guy. Guy turns out to be a dirtbag. Michelle uses the guy for sexting and the guy ruins it in the last sentence.

Par for the course, my friends.

Par for the course.

Slimeballs

I finally did something right

I dropped a guy I liked because he was acting slimy.

Now, as you all know I love to sext.

But I’ll codify that with an I love to sext with good “friends.”

I’m not into strangers (unless they’re super hot and I fully plan to never meet them and just “throw them away” in the morning).

The latest guy kept hinting at wanting to sext.

Then today, he literally asked for it.

“Got any more hot photos. Need to start my day right,” he texted me.

So I sent him a nice headshot of me with bedroom eyes.

“Cool. Anything else,” he responded.

“What do you want?” I asked. “What kind of flavor?”

And that’s when he went full slimeball:

“Totally sexy no holding back,” he writes.

So nude.

Now anyone who reads this blog can testify that I’m no prude.

I have sexy pictures up the wazoo.

I was just god damned if I was going to share them with this guy.

Although for a second I considered sending him just one provocative picture then dumping him on his ass.

But no.

No treat for him.

Instead I wrote, “I think we’re after different things. It was so nice meeting you. I really had a great time. Good luck with your search.”

Nice. To the point. Polite.

Right?

His reply: Yup.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Seriously folks, WHY do I attract these types?

Isn’t there one good guy left who doesn’t treat women like they’re sex toys?

You can’t really blame me for being jaded when all the guys I meet are total slimballs.

Just saying.

Save

Sext Panther

michelleI am a sext panther.

Why, just the other day, I entertained not one, not two, not even three, but FOUR different men via sexting.

I couldn’t help myself.

It was so good.

It all began when I had the BRILLANT idea of finding someone to draw on me with Sharpies.

My mind immediately went to my friend (he’s single) who is an artist who draws these amazing angular, monochrome drawings of people. Talent!

In any case, I texted him my idea and wound up smack dab in the middle of a conversation about how he and his partner broke a spreader bar the other night during a particularly vigorous sesh.

That was when I lost control and started sexting everyone in my phone.

Because you can only sext with friends for so long until they become MORE THAN FRIENDS and I’m trying to keep it platonic.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Too late, I know.

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen action of any kind and I have to admit, I missed it.

I felt like I was coming hom to my grandma’s house and her tasty meatloaf and cookies, only grandma’s house was cyber space and the meatloaf was pictures of all my goodies.

Now, I do feel SLIGHTLY guilty about partaking in this naughty activity so thoroughly.

I didn’t just dip a toe in, I jumped in full force and spewed a tidal wave of hormones in its wake.

I literally couldn’t help myself.

Each man was so engaging and so much fun to sext with.

Before I knew it, I was sexting all four and HAVING A BLAST!

Not sure if I plan a repeat performance, but for this time being, I AM ONE HAPPY WOMAN!

Flirting with The Aussie

It goes a little something like this:

Me:

Him:  Nice picture!

Me:

Him:  That is teasing…

Me:  THIS is teasing…

Him:  Oh my…….Stop teasing and come play!! I am very good with my tongue..

Me:

Him:  We should play!

Me:

Him:  I just find you so damn sexy and want you bad!

And just like that, I’ve found someone to flirt with and sext with tonight 🙂

Flirting with the Aussie

It goes a little something like this:

Me:

Him:  Nice picture!

Me:

Him:  That is teasing…

Me:  THIS is teasing…

Him:  Oh my…….Stop teasing and come play!! I am very good with my tongue..

Me:

Him:  We should play!

Me:

Him:  I just find you so damn sexy and want you bad!

And just like that, I’ve found someone to flirt with and sext with tonight 🙂

Sexting gone very VERY right….

imageThe instant I saw him on POF I was smitten…

…tall, dark and gorgeous with stunning blue eyes and a smile to stop my heart.

And then he got better.

Turns out he’s visiting from Ireland and will only be here a few months while he works on an engineering project.

Sexy and short-term? Sounds like a candidate for sexting!

[I know, I’m so bad.]

So I flirted shamelessly with him and got him to send me some pretty hot pics I can’t post here. It was so much fun!

And then he asked me out.

I tried to explain that I don’t go out with the men I sext.

“U should have told me that before we sexted!!! I never got a choice in the matter!!” he wrote.

“I’m not a sure thing. Just because we sexted doesn’t mean I’m going to have sex with you. Do you accept that?” I asked.

“Just cos I sext you doesn’t mean I’m gonna have sex wit u….” he snarkily replied.

So we are in negotiations right now. Me… to take him on a tour of the Bay Area. And him… to keep his hands off me.

Unless I ask.

Pretty please?

What I learned from pole dancing

Today I took my first Introduction to Pole Dancing class at Sedusa Studios.  It was, in a word, AMAZING!

I arrived 30 minutes early.  The instructor/owner was there to greet me.  Petite, beautiful, with a taut body, I immediately felt like a Sasquatch next to her.

“What size shoe do you wear?” she asked.

Dare I admit to this tiny little thing that I have great big gargantuan feet?  Yes.

“Size 10,” I told her.

She handed me a pair of black leather platform shoes with lucite heels.  My shoes for my upcoming workout.  How many exercise classes make you wear platform heels?  Awesome!  This is my kind of class!

photo 1When class started, we began on the floor, with a floor routine which was deceptively simple and sexy.  It reminded me of naughty yoga.  If I looked half as good as the instructor, I figured I was in good shape.  We crawled across the floor.  We spread our legs, we rolled around, we laid dawn and arched our backs.  We did it all.

Then we moved to our poles.  It was amazing how simple moves were transformed into really sexy moves by our instructor.  She kept telling us to “go slower.”

When it came time to swing around our poles, I was challenged.  It’s not easy being 6+ feet tall and swinging around a pole.  Even the instructor said I was at a disadvantage.  My left leg wrapped around the pole just fine, but my right leg didn’t want to lift off the ground.  The instructor came over.

“Don’t worry.  Men remember the first thing you do and the last thing you do.  And if you give them great eye contact.”

I didn’t bother to tell her that I have no man and no one to give eye contact to, let alone dance for.

I was determined to get it.  I tried one last time and VOILA… I figured it out.

“Great!” the instructor cheered, “That was the best booty snap I’ve seen in the class today.”

“Well that’s because I’ve got SOME BOOTY,” I laughed.

At the end of the class, you put everything you’ve learned into a routine set to some sexy music.  Our class strutted around our poles.  We spun around our poles.  We did the booty snap.  We slid down to the ground.  We did our floor routine – bend, spread, arch.  Then we crawled toward our imaginary audience like a slinky kitty looking for milk.

Bravo!

I totally want to take more classes.  It was a great workout (for being in heels) and I really felt like I got in touch with my feminine, sultry seductress side.

photo 2 photo 3
photo 4 image

What did I learn from my class?

  1. Pole dancing is not easy or intuitive.
  2. Being sexy is about being confident in your skin.  Not about looking a certain way or being a certain size.
  3. Dancing in platform heels is very complicated, especially when you’re trying to look sexy.
  4. Sticking to the pole is a good thing – show some skin.
  5. Don’t be afraid to touch yourself slowly.  It’s all about showing your audience what they want but can’t have.
  6. Even pregnant women can pole dance (totally).
  7. Slow it down.  The slower, the better.
  8. It’s all about the booty. Make sure you work your booty hard.
  9. A pole dancing instructor can make anything look sexy.
  10. Always try new things, you never know what you can learn from them.