Armchair travels

It’s been a CRAZY roller coaster month, has it not?

With everyone settling into social distancing and shelter-at-home, it’s become SO FRIGGING EASY TO SEXT IT’S LAUGHABLE.

Not that it wasn’t easy to begin with but I’m noticing that all of a sudden EVERYONE is doing it barely a scant three minutes into texting.

It’s as if we’re all cooped up and our frustrations are building to a fever pitch.

And maybe that’s what’s happening.

Too long going without.

Apparently, there are porn subscriptions being given out for free due to the extraordinary times we are living in.

Personally, I choose to do something more productive with my time and so I’ve started watching YouTube videos on speaking Swedish.

Because I’ve started learning it, so I might as well keep going.

But between you and I, I’m loving this new passport feature of Tinder where you can meet people all over the world.

Breakfast in Paris, lunch in Sydney and dinner in New York City.

Not a bad way to spend a day.

 

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I should never meet men when I’m ovulating.

As you may know, I don’t use birth control for two reasons:

  1. It turns me into an emotional, crying basket case
  2. I enjoy the rush of hormones when I ovulate

For one week out of the month, I take a little ride on my roller coaster of hormones and IT’S DAMN FUN!

Oh, don’t worry.

I haven’t done anything.

I’ve been really good.

But the sexting thing?

It’s back in FULL FORCE.

Because the next best thing to getting laid is to talk about getting laid.

And I am helpless to stop myself ones the hormones take hold of me.

Before I know it, I’m breathlessly texting a friend.

Sending provocative pictures.

The other day, as I was sexting, I realized how much I like it.

How it’s part of the flirt for me.

Part of the chase.

Can he keep my attention without being too overt?

Will he say something too graphic and turn me off?

Can we keep the momentum going or will we lose interest?

Lately it’s been a string of good sexts.

So I have nothing to complain about and everything to celebrate.

Another successful hormone run through the streets of Michelle’s libido!

The Makeout Thread

Sexting has been replaced with the Makeout Thread.

It’s basically a group of women who share their interests, activities, and love lives with each other.

Sometimes there’s a graphic picture or two.

You know me  – how I love to flash my boobs. I dare say they’ve gotten more exposure on the thread than Kim Kardashian’s Paper magazine cover.

Okay, maybe not QUITE that much.

The Makeout Thread feels a little like “Sex and the City” meets “WWF.”

It’s raw. Uncensored. Explicit. Rough.

AND I LOVE IT!

It feeds my inner voyeur while allowing the outer exhibitionist to run free.

It turns me on when my own love life is slow and needs a little inspiration to pick me up.

Because I really need to know about the girl who’s in a Dom/Sub relationship with a man who has two other girlfriends.

Now when would I ever get to experience the excitement of THAT in my life?

And the parade of tits and pussy shots are incredible. I didn’t know you could get tattoos in some of those places, but apparently YOU CAN!

Sometimes I just sit back and think how many men would kill to see the comments and pics I see.

The bottom line is that I AM VERY LUCKY.

Lucky to be in a community of women who share their lives with me.

Lucky to be in a community of women who embrace all forms of desire.

Lucky to be a part of an INCREDIBLE group of women who live EXTRAORDINARY lives.

Lucky. Lucky. LUCKY!

EVERYONE should have a Makeout Thread.

Giving up sex

So here’s The Deal.

I’m giving up sex for 3 months.

That means three months of no sex, not even a teeny little bit.

Not even the kind that doesn’t “count.”

This means I have to be celibate until January 7, 2018.

Now, there is one exception to this rule:

The Swede.

IF The Swede comes to visit, then my vow of abstinence goes on hiatus.

I rationalize it like this – The Swede happens to be the one HEALTHY friendship I have and therefore shouldn’t be included in my vow of abstinence, which is supposed to weed out the dirty boys and rebels.

I told Tejas about my vow and he just laughed and laughed.

Then he thought about how much bitching he will have to listen to and he STOPPED LAUGHING.

Personally, I think the biggest challenge for me isn’t going to be giving up sex.

No.

It’s going to be giving up the sexting and flirting that goes with it.

Because for me, flirting leads to sexting leads to sex IRL.

So we’re gonna have none of that.

Do you think I will survive?

I’m my own f*cking problem

All this time I’ve been thinking that I can’t find a good man because a good man hasn’t crossed my path yet.

But that’s a lie.

I think I’ve come across a few.

You see, I take an odd approach to meeting men.

I bombard them with my sexuality and dare them to see ANYTHING AT ALL beyond it.

Of course, the good ones run away, and the bad boys stay.

So I have a bouquet of rebels and dirty boys to choose from.

They’re the ones who value sex as much as I do.

And I’m not in love with a single one of them.

And none of them are in love with me.

Maybe, and this is a BIG MAYBE, I need to relinquish my vice grip on sex being the most valuable part of a relationship and consider that there are other things infinitely more valuable.

Conversation, for one.

Thoughtfulness, for another.

A great sense of humor.

God, I can’t believe I’m going to say this but maybe I’ve been valuing the wrong things all along.

Maybe, if I want to find someone, I need to just stop with the sexting, and the nude pics, and the dinner dates at his place and just SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!

I think I’ve forgotten that I’m a woman, not just a vagina begging for earth-shattering orgasms.

Is this what my friends* have been trying to tell me all along?

If I really want to wind up with a decent man, then I need to embrace the woman I am, not the sex that I want.

Am I my own fucking problem?

 

*Barbara, Lisa, Rob, Michelle. . .

Fireman Fetish

I have a “friend.”

We’ve never met in person but somehow we wound up as Facebook friends.

I LOVE being his FB friend on account of he is very handsome AND a paramedic fireman.

Occasionally he sends me photos of him in his fireman gear and he always looks good enough to eat.

Have you ever met a fireman that wasn’t sexy?

He certainly brings up all sorts of “resuscitation” fantasies – from having to cut off my blouse to listen to my heartbeat to more deviously dark internal examinations.

Yes.

I know.

I’m incorrigible.

But I can’t help it.

He’s sexy like his life depends on it.

And I am a single, red-blooded American woman with a HUGE fireman fetish.

Par for the course

I really don’t want to write this post.

I met ANOTHER man who turned out to be ANOTHER dirtbag.

I’m sort of a little stunned by this turn of events.

Even though it seems to happen all the time now.

We met online and started texting.

I gave him my phone number and we continued to text directly.

He seemed interesting – successful, handsome, South American. . .

Then he sent me some wonky texts, hinting at a BDSM inclination.

So I was direct:

Now, it’s not that I mind BDSM activities. Power exchange can be a lot of fun. But when you lead with that, it makes me think there’s very little behind the façade and I lose interest.

I realized this guy had no long term prospects with me so I decided to play with him a bit.

We sexted.

Yes, I’m not so proud that I did it, but hey, I was lonely and horny and he was there.

We went back and forth with fantasies.

He of course assumed he could top me and so in the end, his final text to me was “I came right in your tight ass.”

Really?

Cuz that does absolutely NOTHING for me.

Sigh.

I disappeared pretty quickly once I watched his final video.

“I hate to sext and run but I’m falling asleep.”

And I was.

It was 2 am!

So there you have it. Michelle meets a guy. Guy turns out to be a dirtbag. Michelle uses the guy for sexting and the guy ruins it in the last sentence.

Par for the course, my friends.

Par for the course.

Week 1 of NO INTERNET DATING

It’s been 1 week since I deleted all my internet dating apps off my phone – bye bye Tinder, OKC, and POF.

IMG_9917I feel pretty good about my decision so far even though I have a lot of free evenings.

I did get drunk and flirt with my sister’s ex boyfriend from high school, however.

I believe our conversation had something to do with me, a magic wand, and a rambling man.

He was less than outstanding in the sexting department but WAY OFF THE CHARTS when it comes to INTELLECTUAL STIMULATION!

You can’t expect me to TOTALLY give up on men.

A little flirt is good.

Well, actually I’m not giving up on men at all.

I’m just giving up on the ENDLESS REVOLVING DOOR STYLE OF DATING which lacks connection.

I feel a little bit like a furloughed criminal, getting a chance to experience life on the outside.

It’s been so long since I went without using internet dating apps, I have no idea what to expect now that I’ve eliminated it from my life.

Here is my survival plan:

  1. Hang out with friends and family
  2. Network
  3. Agree to go out on blind dates
  4. Hit the gym
  5. Use my magic wand
  6. Go out on dates
  7. Be open minded
  8. Continue to have adventures
  9. Don’t be afraid to go solo
  10. If all else fails, sext

And there you have it, my single gals approach to shunning internet dating to live in the real world.

How long do you think I’ll survive?

He pleases me greatly!

michelleWe will never meet.

We haven’t even exchanged phone numbers.

Our play exists only in the cyber realm through sexy text messages and naughty pictures.

In real life he’s a Marine. A hero. But not when he’s texting me.

When he’s texting me he’s a dirty boy.

All his naughty dreams and fantasies come out to play.

“Tell me a story,” he always starts our conversations.

He wants to hear about my sex life.

I always tell him about my latest fling.

I leave out no detail.

By the time I’m done he’s sending me the naughtiest, nastiest pictures you can imagine.

For my collection.

We’re both single. We’re allowed to be as naughty as we want.

For now.

I know someday I’ll have to give him up.

In fact, IT’S REQUIRED FOR MY PERSONAL GROWTH to leave this relationship behind.

But for now I can do as I please with him.

And he pleases me greatly!

The Makeout Thread

Sexting has been replaced with the Makeout Thread.

It’s basically a group of women who share their interests, activities, and love lives with each other.

Sometimes there’s a graphic picture or two.

You know me, how I love to flash my boobs. I dare say they’ve gotten more exposure on the thread than Kim Kardashian’s Paper magazine cover.

Okay, maybe not QUITE that much.

It feels a little “Sex and the City” meets “WWF.”

It’s raw. Uncensored. Explicit. Rough.

AND I LOVE IT!

It feeds my inner voyeur while allowing the outer exhibitionist to run free.

It turns me on when my own love life is slow and needs a little inspiration to pick me up.

Because I really need to know about the girl who’s in a Dom/Sub relationship with a man who has two other girlfriends.

Now when would I ever get to experience the excitement of THAT in my life?

And the parade of tits and pussy shots are incredible. I didn’t know you could get tattoos in some of those places, but apparently YOU CAN!

Sometimes I just sit back and think how many men would kill to see the comments and pics I see.

The bottom line is that I AM VERY LUCKY.

Lucky to be in a community of women who share their lives with me.

Lucky to be in a community of women who embrace all forms of TurnON.

Lucky to be a part of an INCREDIBLE group of women who live EXTRAORDINARY lives.

Lucky. Lucky. LUCKY!

EVERYONE should have a Makeout Thread.