Being me

I just had a very difficult conversation.

A new friend saw THIS picture of me, taken about 7 years ago:

Of course, as you all know, THIS is what I look like now:

Yes, there have been some changes. No, I’m not thrilled about all of them.

Nevertheless, I think I’m a pretty lovely human being and sexy in my own right.

So it was hard to hear someone say, “The images that you showed me – from a few years back – you looked dramatically different.”

Gulp.

Oh dear.

“Did you have a major health issue?” he asked.

The answer, of course, is YES.

I did have a health crisis which is over now.

But the medications I’m on to manage my illness themselves cause health problems.

It’s a double edged sword.

I suppose I could feel bad about the conversation.

In the end, I opted to take it at face value, a friend telling another friend that he was in her corner when it comes to being healthy.

The truth is, what I look like is the LEAST of what makes me beautiful.

So whether I’m a size 14 or a size 24, I’ll always feel happy with who I am.

Please sir, may I have some more?

As the owner of this blog, I’m privy to some information such as the search terms that people put in their browsers to surf on in to my site.

Mind you, 90% of the time, the search terms show up as “unknown.”

I only see about 10% of the search terms people use.

And periodically I flip through them because they are awfully entertaining:

  • Thick thighs in mini skirts
  • Accidental skirt up girdle
  • Slutty shoes blog
  • Even fresh fucking pineapple

It’s all very amusing.

Today, a new search term popped up in my browser – Lumberjack Spanking.

Now, I’ve never heard of this before but my instant reaction was “yes please” and a very yummy flashback to an X-rated memory from April of 2015.

I blogged it but since it’s password protected, if you want to read it you will need to email me at michelle@unblunder.com in order to get the password.

I think it’s worth the read.

Doesn’t a lumberjack spanking sound delicious?

Erotic?

Fun?

I’m telling you, it’s been YEARS since I thought about my own lumberjack spanking so long ago but just the thought of it has GOT ME GOING.

Please sir, may I have some more?

Save

Fireman Fetish

I have a “friend.”

We’ve never met in person but somehow we wound up as Facebook friends.

I LOVE being his FB friend on account of he is very handsome AND a paramedic fireman.

Occasionally he sends me photos of him in his fireman gear and he always looks good enough to eat.

Have you ever met a fireman that wasn’t sexy?

He certainly brings up all sorts of “resuscitation” fantasies – from having to cut off my blouse to listen to my heartbeat to more deviously dark internal examinations.

Yes.

I know.

I’m incorrigible.

But I can’t help it.

He’s sexy like his life depends on it.

And I am a single, red-blooded American woman with a HUGE fireman fetish.

#ThatAss

Any discussion of the Suicide Girls’ Blackheart Burlesque show has got to start with this phrase – HOLY EFFING SHIT!

Because, quite honestly, from start to finish you were blasted with the beauty, sensuality, athleticism, and artistry of the young performers.

I took Yvonne to the show as a birthday present and periodically throughout the performance, we’d look at each other and say, “HOLY EFFING SHIT!”

It was that amazing.

Imagine if burlesque dancing was more than just a strip tease to slow throbbing music.

What if burlesque dancing was clever?

What if burlesque dancing incorporated pop culture?

What if burlesque dancing made a statement?

Imagine stormtroopers stripping with Boba Fett.

Imagine big green feathered pot leaves fanning nearly nude bodies to the tune of “Habits (Stay High)” by Tove Lo.

Or perhaps you can envision the creepy bunny rabbit from Donnie Darko stripping down to naught but a g-string, bunny tail, and pasties while “Mad World” blasts over the sound system.

Well imagine no more.

The Blackheart Burlesque crew INVITED us to take pictures and post them with the hashtag #BlackheartBurlesque and #ThatAss.

So that’s exactly what I’m doing.

Enjoy.

 

 

Save

Save

Latex Panties: The Reality

latexMy latex panties (this exact pair) arrived in the mail and looked like the biggest pair of knickers I’d ever seen.

Be prepared. If you order latex panties online they’re going to look like something your grandma might wear. Minus the whole latex thing, of course because your grandma’s not a freak like that.

I tried to slip into them. It sounded like an orgy of latex balloons rubbing up against each other.

It was absolutely hilarious!

It took me about five minutes to work the panties up my legs and I was cringing the whole time because I sunburned my ass on vacation and the latex dragged against my legs.

Finally, I got them up.

And my butt is either bigger than I remember or I put the panties on the wrong way. My ass hung out for miles.

How did it look?

Not too shabby. I definitely like the look of latex.

The story doesn’t end here though, oh no! You see the other part about wearing latex panties is having to take them off.

I made a tiny little tourniquet with them as I rolled them down my legs. Inch by inch, with the wonderful latex-on-hot-skin sound playing the entire way down.

In the end, I had a tidy little figure eight of latex handcuffing my ankles together.

No one told me this would happen.

And that’s when it occurred to me.

If I was fooling around with someone and he went to remove my panties, he’d have to yank them down my body to a chorus of rubber farts.

Definitely NOT sexy.

But perhaps it doesn’t matter. I mean after all, you’re wearing latex undies and that’s pretty damn sexy.

Jag kan prata lite Svenska

It’s been a month now since I took up learning Swedish.

I can honestly say “I speak a little Swedish” now because I do.

I know about 200 words and phrases.

Just basic stuff, but it’s all very useful.

Per my usual habit, I’m learning Swedish to impress a man.

The Swede, to be exact.

The language is musical and lyrical with a completely different cadence than what I’m used to as a native English speaker.

I’ve discovered a hidden benefit to learning Swedish – apart from knowing three languages, which in and of itself is quite impressive.

Men find it sexy.

Yes indeed, I happened to mention to a friend that “Jag kan prata lite Svenska” (I can speak a little Swedish) and he almost died right there on the spot.

Oh, that’s so sexy he told me.

So I said the first phrase that popped into my mind, “Var ligger badrummet?” (Where is the bathroom?).

I’m nothing, if not sexy!

Celebrities who should fall in love with me

My cousin, aunt, and niece went to Walker Stalker and got to meet several of the characters from The Walking Dead.

Now, the first thing you need to know is that I stopped watching The Walking Dead after the second season so I HAVE NO IDEA WHO ANY OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS ARE.

But I know that there’s one character I love – Negan, played by Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

I LOVE Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

He’s right up there on my list of celebrities who should fall in love with me.

Right after Mike Rowe.

And right before Charlie Hunnam and Travis Flimmel, who I incidentally think are twins separated at birth, they look so much alike.

I know JDM from his role in P.S. I Love You, where he played Irish musician and rescuer William. I also know him as John Winchester in Supernatural.

I recommend seeing him in P.S. I Love You because he shows off his naked rear end in it and OH MY! Is it a sight to see – all long legs and slender ass!

He can wander my halls in nothing but a towel ANYTIME.

So back to my cousin, aunt and niece.

I’m INSANELY happy that they got to meet JDM and hope they managed to give him a kiss from me.

They did snap this photo which, I must tell you, made me grin from ear to ear the moment I saw it.

It just makes me insanely happy!

Eating beefcake

I’m going to TOTALLY BLAME MY SISTER ON THIS ONE.

She’s the one who got me hooked.

Now all I can do is check Instagram waiting for the next photo to roll on out.

Mind you, I’m a little bit surprised.

I’ve never been much of one to adore beefcake.

No.

I kinda prefer the dad bod. The I-used-to-be-a-football-player-in-high-school bod.

And then I saw Brock.

FullSizeRenderBrock does FUNNY things to me. Like makes me want to coat him in Wesson and use him as a slip ‘n slide.

It must be the hair and the beard.

He just fucking looks like a mountain that needs to be climbed.

And when I say “climbed,” I mean climbed over and over and over again. Up and down until I’m totally worn out.

Can I tell you this pic makes me want to do all sorts of naughty things to him?

Since he’s already posed this way I would tie him up.

And then I would eat him.

Because that’s what you do with beefcake…. YOU EAT IT!

What I find sexy in a man

image
Its not what you think – washboard abs and a fat bank account. No, my tastes run more complex than that…

Big hands
A chiseled jawline
A sense of humor. Monty Python re enactments a plus.
A great father
Musicianship
Talent, in any area
A good listener
Intelligence
An authentic smile
Kindness
Confidence
Eye contact
Low, sexy voice
Chivalrous
Initiates middle-of-the-night sex
Stays calm when I’m freaking out
Has a backbone
Smells good
Good manners
Has great rhythm 😉

Speechless

Every now and then the planets line up in such as way as to create a spectacle so amazing and so moving, it defies all description. This event has been given a now infamous name and the mere mention of it brings a flush to my face, an enormous grin to my face and a giggle bursts out of me. My brain gets sucked into a void which strips me of at least 50 IQ points, and my knees get a little weak and I find myself in desperate need of a chair to sit down in.

Yes, ladies, you know what I’m talking about – a fire inspection. All those uniformed firemen come walking in with their tight blue shirts, their bulging biceps, their tanned faces and bright white teeth and we lose it. Completely. Makes me want to plug a heating unit into an extension cord right next to the paper recycling bin and a bunsen burner….

Come save me from myself!!!!

image