Curves

I have a curvy body.

It’s always been curvy, ever since I was in grade school wearing a D-cup bra in 7th grade.

My body is far from perfect.

I will never give Heidi Klum or Kate Upton a run for their money.

And I’m okay with that.

After YEARS of hating my body and trying to diet and exercise it into a mainstream shape, I’ve given up.

The downside to not having a perfect body is that I don’t look good from all angles.

The upside is, I gave away my last fuck years ago.

I will get naked and jump in a hot tub along with the rest of the crowd, heedless of who is looking at my naked body.

I want to have fun and I don’t want to let anything to get in the way.

Thick thighs?

Got ‘em.

Soft belly?

I’ve got that too.

Cellulite?

Pretty sure there’s acres of it on my backside.

Curvy butt?

I’ve got that in spades!

Ultimately, I think we all just like looking – naked, clothed, perfect, flawed, or whatever.

And every time I feel like I need to look different than how I look, I remind myself of the incredibly hot man who literally scooped me up and carried me off to his bed at Burning Man 2015.

Some guys (really) LIKE IT!

Beggars can’t be choosers

Like all women, I am enthralled with firemen.

Honestly, they all seem to be so brawny and handsome, they take my breath away in their sexy uniforms.

Give me a 45 – 55 year old man in boots, a tight navy blue t-shirt and bulging biceps and call me a happy girl!

The best part of firemen is not that they are so handsome and strong, though.

It’s that they tend to travel in packs.

So you get six for the price of one.

It renders me mute!

Man, I love me some firemen.

Men with hero complexes in general are very sexy.

Paramedics.

EMTs.

Search & Rescue.

Military men.

And while I am a strong and capable woman, I’m sorely tempted to pretend to need rescue just to engage them.

I went out with a fireman.

Once.

Once was all it took.

He spent the entire time talking about himself and I swear, if he knew my name or what I did for a living at the end of the date, I’D BE SHOCKED!

His profile still pops up on dating websites.

They guy is still single.

Go figure.

But I think he’s the exception to the rule and his self-absorbed behavior still hasn’t turned me off to the utter and total sexiness of firemen.

All this is to say, since I’ve been working on finding paramedics to cover the summer campout, I’ve been flush with paramedics, EMTs and firemen.

They’re coming out of the woodwork.

Much to my pleasure!

Beggars can’t be choosers!

The one where she admits she took a lap dancing class

I had my first lap dancing class on Thursday.

The important thing is to start off with a glass or wine or two to loosen yourself up for the activity at hand. Which was great because I walked into the studio right as a girl was changing in to her dance outfit (black hot pants with studs and a matching triangle bikini top) in the lobby. Bam!

She then proceeded to slip on her 7 ½ inch heels. OMG….. now I know why men love heels on women. Pow!

My class started with my instructor Heather, also wearing booty pants and a tank top, telling the class the 5 Rules of Lap Dance:

  1. Arch your back
  2. Move slow
  3. Point your toes
  4. Make eye contact
  5. Touch yourself

Anyway, we warmed up on the floor with a sexy little stretching routine. Slow, always slow. Then we began to learn our lap dance in bed routine:

  • Step 1: Strut around in heels.
  • Step 2: Lean your back against the wall and spread your legs.
  • Step 3: Close your legs and melt down the wall to the floor.
  • Step 4: Crawl to the bed. Opposite knee, opposite paw.
  • Step 5: Run your fingertips, then hands, then forearms up his legs getting closer to the goods every time.
  • Step 6: Rub your chest over his chest and up to his face so he gets a good view of the kittens. Tantalize for a minute.
  • Step 7: Straddle his leg. Grind a little.

And that’s as far as we got.  Two more classes will teach me the rest.

I have to say, the whole experience was great. Once your forget yourself (wine helps) and get in to the mood, everything starts to flow.

Get in a sexy mood. Make eye contact. Touch yourself. Show off your body. It was all very enjoyable and, dare I say, pleasurable.

It did occur to me as I was taking my class how lucky I was. Men would kill to see what I was seeing.

Not only was I learning something, but I was getting quite the show!

And just for laughs and giggles, here is a picture of the man I got to give a lap dance to in bed….

photo(29)Sexy, eh?  Picture me grinding on that….

You’re not alone, sister!

Almost two and a half years ago I participated in Burning Man for the first time.

As is my usual habit, I spent A LOT of time planning and prepping.

I carefully reviewed every Burning Man Essentials list and incorporated all the items I was missing into my growing inventory.

In the end, I had 16 bins full of gear.

I may have gone overboard, but let me tell you, I was PREPARED.

Sunblock for my hair?

Check.

Essentials oils for my face mask?

Check.

Ridiculous now to think about them, but at the time I thought they were ESSENTIAL.

Needless to say, I spent a lot of time looking online for fashion guidance.

Self expression is BIG at Burning Man.

I was totally disappointed to find that 99.9% of the representations of women at Burning Man include slim women only.

Where are my thick girls? My curvy ladies?

I could find no representation of women on the playa for women OVER A SIZE 12.

What up?!

I began to wonder if I’d be the only thick girl on the playa.

Of course, that turned out to not be the case, but it still bothers me to this day that the diversity that exists on the playa is not captured by playa photographers.

And, of course, I had to remedy the situation not just by posting my playa photos on the internet, but also by creating a Pinterest board with fashion inspiration for the curvy lady planning to go to the playa.

You’re not alone, sister!

What I find sexy in a man

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Its not what you think – washboard abs and a fat bank account. No, my tastes run more complex than that…

Big hands
A chiseled jawline
A sense of humor. Monty Python re enactments a plus.
A great father
Musicianship
Talent, in any area
A good listener
Intelligence
An authentic smile
Kindness
Confidence
Eye contact
Low, sexy voice
Chivalrous
Initiates middle-of-the-night sex
Stays calm when I’m freaking out
Has a backbone
Smells good
Good manners
Has great rhythm 😉

Confidence

He has confidence, I’ll give him that.

I was texting with a new man when I decided to send him a full length picture of me.

Just so that he could see what I mean when I say I’m a curvy girl.

Thick.

It’s used as a catch all phrase for women size 10+ and there’s a lot of diversity so in order to make sure we’re not wasting each other’s time, I usually send my photo to the men before I go out with them.

His response?

“I’m going to be making love to you a lot. . . I’m just gonna be upfront with you”

Oh my!

My initial reaction was, “Yeah, you wish!” followed swiftly by, “Please!”

It’s simply the horn dog in me coming out.

It’s not that I like handsome strangers telling me they want to fuck me a lot.

Wait.

What am I saying?

It’s EXACTLY that!

Who wouldn’t LOVE to hear those words said to them?

Sure, it’d be nice if I knew him better.

And felt more attracted to him.

But I appreciated his enthusiasm.

We went out and he continues to say things to me.

Things that can’t be repeated on this blog involving his fantasy which included the backseat of a car, his tongue, and my very appreciative flesh.

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Beards

Honestly, I’m not sure where my love of beards comes from.

As a kid, I HATED it when my dad grew a beard.

I preferred him clean shaven.

Now, as an adult woman, I LOVE beards.

In fact, I seem to SEEK OUT men with beards.

The only exception to this rule is The Swede.

He is clean shaven and I like him that way.

Although I did enjoy seeing him get SCRUFFY at UnSCruz.

But for the most part, I’m into beards and lumberjacks.

I know this because every time I see a picture of a man with a beard or a goatee, MY OVARIES SHUDDER.

My friend Dean recently went to Burning Man.

And he grew a beard for it. And boy did I ENJOY his beard!

He looked like a bearded Sean Connery.

Totally hot!

In fact, I’d say that 6 of my last 9 lovers have had beards or some sort of facial hair.

Not that I’m counting. . .

While at Burning Man, I myself managed to hook up with a bearded fellow from a neighboring camp.

He complimented me on knowing how to kiss a man with a beard.

Little did he know how much practice I’ve had!

Of course you know what they say:

PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT!

So I’d better practice A LOT MORE.

Being me

I just had a very difficult conversation.

A new friend saw THIS picture of me, taken about 7 years ago:

Of course, as you all know, THIS is what I look like now:

Yes, there have been some changes. No, I’m not thrilled about all of them.

Nevertheless, I think I’m a pretty lovely human being and sexy in my own right.

So it was hard to hear someone say, “The images that you showed me – from a few years back – you looked dramatically different.”

Gulp.

Oh dear.

“Did you have a major health issue?” he asked.

The answer, of course, is YES.

I did have a health crisis which is over now.

But the medications I’m on to manage my illness themselves cause health problems.

It’s a double edged sword.

I suppose I could feel bad about the conversation.

In the end, I opted to take it at face value, a friend telling another friend that he was in her corner when it comes to being healthy.

The truth is, what I look like is the LEAST of what makes me beautiful.

So whether I’m a size 14 or a size 24, I’ll always feel happy with who I am.

Please sir, may I have some more?

As the owner of this blog, I’m privy to some information such as the search terms that people put in their browsers to surf on in to my site.

Mind you, 90% of the time, the search terms show up as “unknown.”

I only see about 10% of the search terms people use.

And periodically I flip through them because they are awfully entertaining:

  • Thick thighs in mini skirts
  • Accidental skirt up girdle
  • Slutty shoes blog
  • Even fresh fucking pineapple

It’s all very amusing.

Today, a new search term popped up in my browser – Lumberjack Spanking.

Now, I’ve never heard of this before but my instant reaction was “yes please” and a very yummy flashback to an X-rated memory from April of 2015.

I blogged it but since it’s password protected, if you want to read it you will need to email me at michelle@unblunder.com in order to get the password.

I think it’s worth the read.

Doesn’t a lumberjack spanking sound delicious?

Erotic?

Fun?

I’m telling you, it’s been YEARS since I thought about my own lumberjack spanking so long ago but just the thought of it has GOT ME GOING.

Please sir, may I have some more?

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Fireman Fetish

I have a “friend.”

We’ve never met in person but somehow we wound up as Facebook friends.

I LOVE being his FB friend on account of he is very handsome AND a paramedic fireman.

Occasionally he sends me photos of him in his fireman gear and he always looks good enough to eat.

Have you ever met a fireman that wasn’t sexy?

He certainly brings up all sorts of “resuscitation” fantasies – from having to cut off my blouse to listen to my heartbeat to more deviously dark internal examinations.

Yes.

I know.

I’m incorrigible.

But I can’t help it.

He’s sexy like his life depends on it.

And I am a single, red-blooded American woman with a HUGE fireman fetish.