I went on a date

I was excited to get out of the house.

It feels like it’s been FOREVER since someone took me out.

Like The Swede in May.

I was so excited to get out of the house that I actually went through way more preparation and ritual than I normally do.

I took a bath.

I shaved my whole body – even my legs.

Just in case, you know, they got TOUCHED.

Then I put on perfume.

Of course I stopped just shy of putting on body lotion.

I put on fresh antiperspirant, just in case.

I redid all my makeup.

Then I COMPLETELY forgot lipstick!

Left the house without a tube to my name.

Doh!

I know you all think I’ve been living like a nun these past few months, but I broke the mold on this date.

I was witty, and funny, and very VERY flirty.

He stood no chance against my charm.

Which was good because he was quite charming himself and I found myself having a good time.

At the end, of the date, he pinned my back against my truck, stuck one knee between my thighs, grabbed a fistful of hair and kissed me.

And was it good, you’re wondering?

Well, I’ll tell you this. . .

. . .it did not suck.

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Strange things women do

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Sometimes, if I’m going out on a hot date and I really want to behave myself, I don’t shave my legs.

Basically, I know that if I’m going to get down and dirty, I want to do it with a pair of nice, smooth, moisturized, freshly shaved legs. It’s a funny quirk I think most women have. At least in the beginning.

I’ve also considered taking a sharpie and writing something awful on my abdomen:

“Fatty”
“Whore”
“I eat toenails”

Basically something so embarrassing I would refuse to take off my clothes.

I’ve never done it however because the shaving trick pretty much gets the job done.

However, my BEST form of birth control is a floor length red wool coat. No one has been able to penetrate that coat yet. Even when I tell them it’s my preferred method of birth control. No one gets past that sucker.

I can’t be the only girl who does this.

So the moral of the story is this…. Guys, if you want to know if you’re going to get laid tonight, reach down and touch her leg. If it’s hairy the chances are you’re not getting any, if it’s smooth, then ALL SAIL AHEAD FULL!

Move over Movember, it’s time for Decembeaver

Fill in the blank:

Movember is to moustaches what Decembeaver is to ________.

I actually like Movember. I’m a fan of facial hair. I’m also a fan of giving the ladies equal recognition, so I’m pleased to hear about Movember’s cooler, hipper, and hairier sister Decembeaver.

Tips to survive Decembeaver:

  1. Keep it moisturized.  Week 1 will be the hardest. Lotion will help prevent itching.
  2. Don’t take pictures of your progress like the boys do. ‘Nuff said.
  3. Don’t forget to share Decembeaver with all your friends.

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