Pussy

I have this friend.

We’ll call him Brian.

Now, Brian is a pretty cool guy and reminds me of Tejas in a lot of ways.

He’s been through some pretty life-changing experiences.

He has a positive outlook on life.

And he has an abundance of tattoos.

So Brian and I are talking and as we’re chatting, the subject of sex comes up.

I don’t know how we got on the topic, but I’m pretty sure it was me making a joke because conversations with me seem to inevitably head in that direction.

So there we are, discussing sex when Brian suddenly drops his voice low and says the word, “PUSSY.”

Now, I don’t know about you, but when I say that word, it just rolls off my tongue heedless of the company I’m keeping.

I practically SHOUT it.

And here is Brian, whispering it to me.

“Can I say pussy?” he asked me.

“You are so vanilla,” I tell him, “you can’t even SAY the word pussy!”

I laughed like I hadn’t laughed in years.

I’m pretty sure that if I looked up the definition of VANILLA in the dictionary, it would say, “See Brian.”

So consider this, if he has to whisper ‘pussy’ what happens when he has to say the c-word?

Does he blush and get tongue-tied?

Bad at Flirting

There are lots of things I’m no good at.

Burpees, for one.

Twerking, for another.

Also I can’t dance worth a damn (but I still try).

And my Swedish is atrocious.

Nevertheless, when I need to call on those skills, I do my best to do my best.

What saves me is my great sense of humor and the ability to laugh at myself.

This last burn, I was told by some wise guy that I am “BAD AT FLIRTING.”

Like one of the worst he’d ever seen.

I was a bit surprised but quickly replied that my intention was to seduce him with my AWKWARDNESS.

He remained unimpressed.

It is a little known fact that I am a relatively shy person who PRETENDS to be vivacious and outgoing.

I am not though.

And it shows through whenever I have a crush.

The bigger the crush, the more mute I become.

It’s as if the more invested I am in the outcome, the more subtle I am.

Also?

I seldom come across men I am strongly attracted to so when it happens, I’m a little bit off-balance.

But, I’ve always enjoyed that feeling.

And crushing on the wise guy was no exception.

In the end, I got my man.

But I have to admit, my ego took a little bruising in the process.

I am lovely exactly as I am, awkward flirting skills and all.

It just takes a real wise man to see that.

I’ll seduce you with my awkwardness

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Although I’m reluctant to say it, I have to admit that I’m awkward.

Yes indeed.

And those of you who know me personally know this to be true.

Ever have a really funny exchange with me where we wind up just staring at one another, not saying anything?

Or have you ever heard me make a strange joke in the middle of a conversation then laugh at myself painfully until my laughter dies out?

Growing up, I was an awkward child. I hid behind my father’s legs and only came out to socialize when I was forced to.

My shyness sprung out of a strange habit I had of stammering. My stammer was so bad I saw a speech pathologist for it.

Eventually I grew out of the stammer but the awkwardness… well, that remained.

My parents entered me in a speech contest my sophomore year in high school to get me over my shyness.

All this did was teach me how to FAKE NOT BEING SHY.

Despite my awkwardness I’ve managed to be quite successful at dating by simply thinking fast on my feet and coming up with topics of conversation as quickly as a comedian spits out a come back.

But if you really want to get to know me, then the best way is to write to me.

I’m best with texts and emails. In fact, some of my most passionate love affairs and great friendships started out via texting/email.

So forgive me my awkwardness. It’s not for lack of interest. Talking just isn’t the best medium for me to express myself.

What can I say?

I’m a writer.

It’s how I work.