I’m a man-eating whore (just kidding)

I’m a man-eating whore.

At least I MUST be since I write this blog about sex, dating, and relationships.

Okay, maybe I don’t write about relationships. But trust me, if I had a relationship, I would be writing about it.

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy being single.  Every available (unmarried and unattached) man I meet is an opportunity to make a connection.

But there are times when being the single girl sucks.

Like when a married woman assumes if you’re talking to her husband you’ve got designs on him.

Or when you’re the only single at a couples party (á la Bridget Jones).

Or. . .

. . .when the wife of a friend CONTACTS YOUR SISTER to accuse you of trying to steal her husband because. . .

. . .wait for it. . .

. . .you replied to his IM on Facebook.

Indeed.

So there you have it.

This man-eating whore with the trashy blog is obviously so lacking in morals she would message A MARRIED MAN.

Better put a scarlet letter on me. Or maybe stamp “tramp” on my forehead.

Obviously, I’ve committed a grievous offense.

You know what I have to say about it?

HATERS GONNA HATE.

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Burner

The problem with being single for 14 years

There’s a teeny tiny problem with having been single for 14 years.

I haven’t really had to compromise for 14 years.

I haven’t taken anyone else’s opinion into consideration because it’s just been me.

For 14 years!

That’s a long time to develop habits:

And not all those habits are good.

  • Like not soliciting feedback from others before making important decisions.
  • Or making choices based on impulse instead of reason.
  • Sleeping with my dates on a whim instead of basing it on compatibility.

I’m shit at resisting my impulses.

So it’s unusual for me to be with someone who reminds me to FUCKING PACE MYSELF.

There’s no rush.

Take your time and think things through.

On the other hand, I’ve developed some really stellar habits:

  • Like self-reliance.
  • And an unwillingness to sacrifice my happiness for another (a bad co-dependent habit).
  • A willingness to experiment with my life in non-mainstream ways.

Some of my life experimentations were bound to resonate with me and now I struggle to find the right man for me.

  • One who will help me compromise for the right reasons.
  • Fight impulse with logic and reasoning, but without losing my spontaneity.
  • And respect my decisions as leading to my happiness.

Gone are the days where your standard vanilla man could complete me.

Right now, it’s gonna take a burner – past, present, or future.

Date yourself

Once upon a time I was a young(ish) woman working at a local university in a little part time administrative position.

The man I worked for was one of the top 10 social psychologists of the 20th century.

One day, I came in to work and told my boss that I needed to get a full time job because I was getting divorced.

And it was then that I got the best advice I’ve ever received in my life.

The professor looked at me for a moment then said, “You need some hobbies.  Get out in nature.  Find adventures.  Volunteer for those less fortunate.  Take the focus off yourself and put it where it needs to be – on your family and on other people who need your help.”

I took those words to heart.

After all, if the NFL hires this professor to give a $15,000 keynote address, who am I to scoff in the face of his advice.

I joined several non-profits.

I volunteered.

And I started adventuring out.

I stopped focusing on the shit-show that was my divorce (don’t worry, we’re fine now) and I paid attention to all the beautiful and wonderful activities that the Bay Area provides.

In the 15 years since my divorce, I’ve only dated three men which means I’ve spent a lot of time single.

Instead of waiting for some man to show up to start living my life, I opted to start dating myself.

I took myself out with friends to all the restaurants I wanted to go to.

I brought my boys with me to movies.

I convinced family and friends to go on adventures with me.

I have not suffered for lack of a steady man in my life.

Dating yourself has its perks:

  1. You can do whatever you want, whenever you want.
  2. No one complains that it’s taking too long to get to your destination.
  3. No need to share the bed, you can roll for miles.
  4. No competitive facebooking your adventures with someone else.

In the end, I feel awfully proud of myself for living my life thoroughly without a man there to support me.

I even went to one of the most inhospitable environments known to man – the Black Rock Desert – and I lived my life there for a week.

Four times.

Everyone should date themselves.

It’s a blast!

I’ll never love again

I’m okay being single.

It’s MUCH better than being in a dead-end relationship.

I know a few people in that kind of relationship.

Sometimes it just makes me want to scream – HOW CAN THEY BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WHILE I’M NOT?!

But truthfully, I haven’t met anyone who I think could be long term material.

When I look back on the last 14 years since my divorce, I realize that I wasn’t ready for a permanent relationship.

I needed some work.

Dare I say it:

I was a little unbalanced and needed time to process.

Now that I’ve had the time to work on me, I’m still not finding anyone out there who is appropriate for me.

And it worries me for one reason:

I feel like I’ll never love again.

It’s not being single that bothers me (cuz it’s kinda fun), it’s the thought of being ENDLESSLY single that bothers me.

The idea that part of my life is over with somehow and will never ever be resurrected scares me.

I’ll never have a plus one for weddings.

I’ll always drive my tires bald because there’s no one to remind me to change them.

I’ll never have to question where I’m spending the holidays because it’s just me.

But most of all I worry that I’ll never fall in love again.

And as fun as casual sex is, I’m kinda hoping for something a little more stimulating.

That’s right.

I said it.

I want more.

Magic is what you make of it

Disney loveMagic always comes with a prince

At least that’s what Disney and Hollywood lead you to believe.

Of course lately, there’s been less focus on the prince and more focus on the heroine, but you get the picture – love, above all, makes the story.

And how are we single ladies supposed to feel about this in real life?

Well, I’ll tell you, being single has never hurt my social life. In fact, I think I get out more and do more things simply because I don’t have a partner to hang out at home with eating pizza and drinking beer with on a Saturday night.

Being single didn’t hurt me when I was racing cars at the Stockton 99.

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Being single especially didn’t hurt me when I was leaping from an airplane with a hot man and a parachute strapped to my back.

And it certainly didn’t hurt me when I went to the Alameda County Fairgrounds and ran with the bulls.

photo 4No, being single hasn’t hurt one bit.

Even my more carnal urges somehow manage to get taken care of.

So what then is my life missing without a man to “complete” me?

The answer is nothing.

I have friends and family who give me love and camaraderie and lovers who give me intimacy.

Everything else is icing on the cake.

Sure, it’s magical when life and love come with a prince.

But it sure as hell isn’t required.

Magic, is what you make of it.

Nobody loves me

Valentine’s Day is creeping up on me like a bad toe fungus and I find myself in the uncomfortable position once again of being single for a holiday that celebrates couplehood.

I can practically feel the bile rising in my throat when I think of all the sugary sweet sentiments that will be posted onto Facebook for couples celebrating being a couple.

It’s downright nauseating.

Of all the holidays, this is my LEAST favorite.

I can dress up for Halloween.

I can buy gifts for Christmas.

I can cook a ham for Easter.

Eat Mexican food on Cinco de Mayo.

All of these holidays are easy to participate in.

But not so much Valentine’s Day.

And there’s nothing I dislike more than feeling LEFT OUT.

But left out is what I am.

I am reminded of a song a gentleman sang for me in college:

“Nobody love me.

Nobody cares.

Nobody feeds me peaches and pears.”

So, you have been forewarned to expect quite a bit of sass out of me as this holiday approaches.

Because I’m sure as hell not pleased that (yet again) I must survive another fucking Valentine’s Day ALONE.

Thanks for the goddamn reminder!

Sowing my wild oats and reaping happiness

Ok.

Maybe this isn’t ENTIRELY true.

I can practically HEAR my GF Michelle telling me that I’m an exceptional human being who deserves a loving, intimate relationship.

But it’s a little bit true.

I like my booze (when I’m not in my post-Burning Man dry spell).

And I like my men.

Not all the men I sleep with are “wise decisions.”

I seem to base all my lovemaking decisions on facial hair and chest circumference instead of kindness and availability.

No matter though, the bottom line is that RIGHT NOW I LIKE BEING SINGLE.

It doesn’t bother me.

Oh sure, come talk to me when I’m at K&B’s wedding next weekend and it’ll be a different story.

I’ll probably be sad I have no one to dance with or make out with.

But as of right now, I’m happy.

And I’m just going to fill up my coffers with all the happiness they can hold because I’m sure that just around the corner is a loop that’s going to get thrown my way.

And then I’ll want the opposite of what I have.

I’ll want a nice, warm, comfortable, loving, committed relationship that will support me through the tough times.

But right now times are fat and I’m reaping all the happiness I can handle!

On being a singleton

I have a friend, a very good friend, who laments being single.

At their best moment, they feel they’re single because there’s no one interesting to date.

At their worst moment, they feel they’re single because there’s something wrong with them.

I take a different approach to being single.

I think I’m single because I simply haven’t stumbled across the path of the right person yet.

It’s a liberating concept.

Every day I’m one day closer to meeting someone perfect for me.

Every bad date I go on, every toad I kiss and regret, I’ve eliminated one more possible person who could be right for me.

Instead of failing at dating, I’ve succeeded at removing one more barrier to me finding someone right for me.

I have to admit, I have a lot of creative outlets for my energy.

From Burning Man to my friendships, I keep myself busy and seldom feel lonely.

But I’ve had a string of good luck lately and I find that I am most sensitive about not having a significant other when times are tough and I need someone to lean on.

So I’m appreciative that I’m living in a time of abundance, instead of scarcity.

And, you know, there are worse things out there than being able to flirt with whatever guy suits my fancy.

Like having no one to flirt with.

Or getting a HUGE friction burn on your inner thigh.

Now that would be AWFUL.

Come back to bed, Michelle

michelleCome back to bed, Michelle

One short phrase I’d love to hear someone say to me.

It’s not easy being single.

Putting yourself out there over and over again, all the while wondering if there is some fatal flaw in me that makes me so unloveable.

I have undergone so much self improvement it’s amusing.

HAI Level 1 (twice) and Level 2.

OM training.

Advanced Blow Job class (just in case I needed skills).

Skydiving.

Homebrew 101 and 102.

And of course, just to prove I’m a daredevil – running with the bulls.

And that’s just 1/10 of the shit I’ve done.

If I get any more accomplished, I’ll have to marry a prince.

And yet I still go to bed alone every night.

There’s  no one to tell my exciting stories to.

At the end of the day, when I’m drained and just want to snuggle on the couch and eat popcorn with while I wait for my Door Dash delivery, there’s NO ONE THERE.

Just my cat Princess.

I’m not gonna lie to you and say that being single is always fun.

Because sometimes IT REALLY SUCKS!

And if you’re me, dabbling in pseudo-relationships, not having someone to talk to even when you’ve got someone to bed is the pits.

Come back to bed, Michelle.

Music to my ears.

More Anti-Valentine’s Day ideas

I can’t tell you how HAPPY it makes me to embrace my bitterness and frustration and write these posts.

It’s cathartic!

I want to send all my single friends nasty little “VD sux” cards.

I want to wear a TOXIC LOVE sweatshirt to work with bitter little earrings and just wallow in anger and self-pity.

For once, I don’t want to be optimistic and positive and try to see my situation as temporary and enjoyable.

I just want to be mad.

Because on Valentine’s Day, being single SUCKS.

No one loves me.

Boo hoo!

av1The Boyfriend Pillow

 

av2Black Lollipops
av3Single AF Tank

 

av4Wine is my Valentine Glasses
av5Anti-VD Necklace

 

av6Anti-VD Earrings
av7Love is in the Air T-shirt

 

av8Happy Singles Awareness Day Card
av9Twat heart av10Cupcake Toppers

 

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