Date yourself

Once upon a time I was a young(ish) woman working at a local university in a little part time administrative position.

The man I worked for was one of the top 10 social psychologists of the 20th century.

One day, I came in to work and told my boss that I needed to get a full time job because I was getting divorced.

And it was then that I got the best advice I’ve ever received in my life.

The professor looked at me for a moment then said, “You need some hobbies.  Get out in nature.  Find adventures.  Volunteer for those less fortunate.  Take the focus off yourself and put it where it needs to be – on your family and on other people who need your help.”

I took those words to heart.

After all, if the NFL hires this professor to give a $15,000 keynote address, who am I to scoff in the face of his advice.

I joined several non-profits.

I volunteered.

And I started adventuring out.

I stopped focusing on the shit-show that was my divorce (don’t worry, we’re fine now) and I paid attention to all the beautiful and wonderful activities that the Bay Area provides.

In the 15 years since my divorce, I’ve only dated three men which means I’ve spent a lot of time single.

Instead of waiting for some man to show up to start living my life, I opted to start dating myself.

I took myself out with friends to all the restaurants I wanted to go to.

I brought my boys with me to movies.

I convinced family and friends to go on adventures with me.

I have not suffered for lack of a steady man in my life.

Dating yourself has its perks:

  1. You can do whatever you want, whenever you want.
  2. No one complains that it’s taking too long to get to your destination.
  3. No need to share the bed, you can roll for miles.
  4. No competitive facebooking your adventures with someone else.

In the end, I feel awfully proud of myself for living my life thoroughly without a man there to support me.

I even went to one of the most inhospitable environments known to man – the Black Rock Desert – and I lived my life there for a week.

Four times.

Everyone should date themselves.

It’s a blast!

I’ll never love again

I’m okay being single.

It’s MUCH better than being in a dead-end relationship.

I know a few people in that kind of relationship.

Sometimes it just makes me want to scream – HOW CAN THEY BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WHILE I’M NOT?!

But truthfully, I haven’t met anyone who I think could be long term material.

When I look back on the last 14 years since my divorce, I realize that I wasn’t ready for a permanent relationship.

I needed some work.

Dare I say it:

I was a little unbalanced and needed time to process.

Now that I’ve had the time to work on me, I’m still not finding anyone out there who is appropriate for me.

And it worries me for one reason:

I feel like I’ll never love again.

It’s not being single that bothers me (cuz it’s kinda fun), it’s the thought of being ENDLESSLY single that bothers me.

The idea that part of my life is over with somehow and will never ever be resurrected scares me.

I’ll never have a plus one for weddings.

I’ll always drive my tires bald because there’s no one to remind me to change them.

I’ll never have to question where I’m spending the holidays because it’s just me.

But most of all I worry that I’ll never fall in love again.

And as fun as casual sex is, I’m kinda hoping for something a little more stimulating.

That’s right.

I said it.

I want more.

Magic is what you make of it

Disney loveMagic always comes with a prince

At least that’s what Disney and Hollywood lead you to believe.

Of course lately, there’s been less focus on the prince and more focus on the heroine, but you get the picture – love, above all, makes the story.

And how are we single ladies supposed to feel about this in real life?

Well, I’ll tell you, being single has never hurt my social life. In fact, I think I get out more and do more things simply because I don’t have a partner to hang out at home with eating pizza and drinking beer with on a Saturday night.

Being single didn’t hurt me when I was racing cars at the Stockton 99.

image

Being single especially didn’t hurt me when I was leaping from an airplane with a hot man and a parachute strapped to my back.

And it certainly didn’t hurt me when I went to the Alameda County Fairgrounds and ran with the bulls.

photo 4No, being single hasn’t hurt one bit.

Even my more carnal urges somehow manage to get taken care of.

So what then is my life missing without a man to “complete” me?

The answer is nothing.

I have friends and family who give me love and camaraderie and lovers who give me intimacy.

Everything else is icing on the cake.

Sure, it’s magical when life and love come with a prince.

But it sure as hell isn’t required.

Magic, is what you make of it.

Nobody loves me

Valentine’s Day is creeping up on me like a bad toe fungus and I find myself in the uncomfortable position once again of being single for a holiday that celebrates couplehood.

I can practically feel the bile rising in my throat when I think of all the sugary sweet sentiments that will be posted onto Facebook for couples celebrating being a couple.

It’s downright nauseating.

Of all the holidays, this is my LEAST favorite.

I can dress up for Halloween.

I can buy gifts for Christmas.

I can cook a ham for Easter.

Eat Mexican food on Cinco de Mayo.

All of these holidays are easy to participate in.

But not so much Valentine’s Day.

And there’s nothing I dislike more than feeling LEFT OUT.

But left out is what I am.

I am reminded of a song a gentleman sang for me in college:

“Nobody love me.

Nobody cares.

Nobody feeds me peaches and pears.”

So, you have been forewarned to expect quite a bit of sass out of me as this holiday approaches.

Because I’m sure as hell not pleased that (yet again) I must survive another fucking Valentine’s Day ALONE.

Thanks for the goddamn reminder!

Sowing my wild oats and reaping happiness

Ok.

Maybe this isn’t ENTIRELY true.

I can practically HEAR my GF Michelle telling me that I’m an exceptional human being who deserves a loving, intimate relationship.

But it’s a little bit true.

I like my booze (when I’m not in my post-Burning Man dry spell).

And I like my men.

Not all the men I sleep with are “wise decisions.”

I seem to base all my lovemaking decisions on facial hair and chest circumference instead of kindness and availability.

No matter though, the bottom line is that RIGHT NOW I LIKE BEING SINGLE.

It doesn’t bother me.

Oh sure, come talk to me when I’m at K&B’s wedding next weekend and it’ll be a different story.

I’ll probably be sad I have no one to dance with or make out with.

But as of right now, I’m happy.

And I’m just going to fill up my coffers with all the happiness they can hold because I’m sure that just around the corner is a loop that’s going to get thrown my way.

And then I’ll want the opposite of what I have.

I’ll want a nice, warm, comfortable, loving, committed relationship that will support me through the tough times.

But right now times are fat and I’m reaping all the happiness I can handle!

On being a singleton

I have a friend, a very good friend, who laments being single.

At their best moment, they feel they’re single because there’s no one interesting to date.

At their worst moment, they feel they’re single because there’s something wrong with them.

I take a different approach to being single.

I think I’m single because I simply haven’t stumbled across the path of the right person yet.

It’s a liberating concept.

Every day I’m one day closer to meeting someone perfect for me.

Every bad date I go on, every toad I kiss and regret, I’ve eliminated one more possible person who could be right for me.

Instead of failing at dating, I’ve succeeded at removing one more barrier to me finding someone right for me.

I have to admit, I have a lot of creative outlets for my energy.

From Burning Man to my friendships, I keep myself busy and seldom feel lonely.

But I’ve had a string of good luck lately and I find that I am most sensitive about not having a significant other when times are tough and I need someone to lean on.

So I’m appreciative that I’m living in a time of abundance, instead of scarcity.

And, you know, there are worse things out there than being able to flirt with whatever guy suits my fancy.

Like having no one to flirt with.

Or getting a HUGE friction burn on your inner thigh.

Now that would be AWFUL.

Come back to bed, Michelle

michelleCome back to bed, Michelle

One short phrase I’d love to hear someone say to me.

It’s not easy being single.

Putting yourself out there over and over again, all the while wondering if there is some fatal flaw in me that makes me so unloveable.

I have undergone so much self improvement it’s amusing.

HAI Level 1 (twice) and Level 2.

OM training.

Advanced Blow Job class (just in case I needed skills).

Skydiving.

Homebrew 101 and 102.

And of course, just to prove I’m a daredevil – running with the bulls.

And that’s just 1/10 of the shit I’ve done.

If I get any more accomplished, I’ll have to marry a prince.

And yet I still go to bed alone every night.

There’s  no one to tell my exciting stories to.

At the end of the day, when I’m drained and just want to snuggle on the couch and eat popcorn with while I wait for my Door Dash delivery, there’s NO ONE THERE.

Just my cat Princess.

I’m not gonna lie to you and say that being single is always fun.

Because sometimes IT REALLY SUCKS!

And if you’re me, dabbling in pseudo-relationships, not having someone to talk to even when you’ve got someone to bed is the pits.

Come back to bed, Michelle.

Music to my ears.

More Anti-Valentine’s Day ideas

I can’t tell you how HAPPY it makes me to embrace my bitterness and frustration and write these posts.

It’s cathartic!

I want to send all my single friends nasty little “VD sux” cards.

I want to wear a TOXIC LOVE sweatshirt to work with bitter little earrings and just wallow in anger and self-pity.

For once, I don’t want to be optimistic and positive and try to see my situation as temporary and enjoyable.

I just want to be mad.

Because on Valentine’s Day, being single SUCKS.

No one loves me.

Boo hoo!

av1The Boyfriend Pillow

 

av2Black Lollipops
av3Single AF Tank

 

av4Wine is my Valentine Glasses
av5Anti-VD Necklace

 

av6Anti-VD Earrings
av7Love is in the Air T-shirt

 

av8Happy Singles Awareness Day Card
av9Twat heart av10Cupcake Toppers

 

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Shitballs and crusty nuts!

I just realized that the next big holiday coming round the corner ready to brain me with hearts, red/pink flowers, chocolate, and saccharine sentiment is VALENTINE’S DAY.

Oh how I HATE Valentine’s Day!

A whole frigging day devoted to love and reminding me that I am single.

As if I need a reminder.

My whole existence is ONE BIG REMINDER that no one wants me.

Okay, that’s a lie.

Lots of people want me and love me, but no one who regularly climbs into bed with me and does the nasty with me.

When it comes to romantic love, I’m fresh out.

And that’s why I don’t need an entire day to remind me of that.

I have ALL THIS LOVE TO GIVE and NO PLACE TO PUT IT.

Sigh.

So, as typical for me, I intend to post my Anti-Valentine’s Day gifts – courtesy of etsy.com – so that you too can be bitter and angry like me.

Yet entertained.

So here it goes, Round #1 of Anti-Valentine’s Day sentiments:

av1Anti-Valentine’s Day Mug

 

av2Anti-Valentine’s Day Card
av3Broken Robot Heart Plushie

 

av4Vodka is my Valentine Tank
av5Black Hearted Soap

 

av6Anti-Valentine’s Day Necklace
av7Toxic Love Sweatshirt

 

av8Suck it Cupid Banner
av9Lighter Cases av10Anti-Valentine’s Day Fascinator

 

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Good (and Bad) Places to Meet Men

michelleMost of my friends are married or have boyfriends.

It sort of leaves me swaying in the breeze when it comes to activities I can do to meet men.

I don’t necessarily want to hang out by myself waiting for an appropriate man to come by.

That is why I am so stoked that my friend Barbara is single.

Not only is she single, she’s also BEAUTIFUL!

We look like sisters , we’ve been told many times.

Best of all, she and I have TOTALLY different types of men that we like.

So there’s no competition.

So, without further adieu – a list of good places to meet men, with a few bad places thrown in just for entertainment:

  1. The DMV – oh hell no! I’m not going to hang around the DMV in order to meet men. Pass!
  2. The Driving Range – I’ve always wanted to learn to play golf. It’d be fun to take Barbara and hit a few balls while scoping out the men at the range.
  3. Improv classes – Sounds like fun AND a good way to meet single men. And a great way to present for “funny!”
  4. Dog Parks – hey! I have a dog! What not take her and Barbara to the park – you know, the one next to the basketball courts. Shirts versus skins!
  5. Sporting events – Barbara and I already go to see the Giants (1x/month) and the 49ers (1x/season). Men are prolific there. Too bad I never seem to meet any of them. But that could change.
  6. Bar crawls – have you noticed that as the bar crawl progresses, the men get friendlier and friendlier? GREAT place to meet (drunk) men.
  7. Crossfit – okay, no on this one. I would never meet a guy a crossfit. That implies that I like working out and that is a big N – O.
  8. The Car Wash – I can see how this COULD be a good place to meet men, however you’d have to hang out for a while to really reap any rewards. I’m not sure I want to grab Barbara and hang out at Classic Car Wash.
  9. Sports Bars – Sports = Men. ‘Nuff said.
  10. Photpgraphy Class – or any adult education class for that matter. I could probably talk Barbara into taking a class with me. Might be a good place to meet single men. Course they always ask if I can “pose” for them. . .
  11. Wineries – okay, in my estimation men come here in COUPLES but MAYBE you could meet a wine connoisseur there. Probably not too many prospects for Barbara though.
  12. Music & Art Festivals – Again, a place where couples seem to hang out, but COULD be a good place to meet single males as well. If nothing else, at least Barbara and I will be entertained.
  13. Religious Gatherings – well, I’m not religious, so this would be a total bust.
  14. Weddings – ah, if only more of my friends were getting married. Wedding are a GREAT place to meet men and I would TOTALLY take Barbara as my plus one!
  15. The Shooting Range – I’ve always wanted to learn to shoot a gun. Bonus that there’s men around where you do that.
  16. Meetup Groups – I once went to a meetup group with a date, got pulled aside by another man, and asked out. Meetup groups are great for meeting men. If only I could find the right meet up group – fishing, hiking, sailing, etc.
  17. Happy Hour – This is great because Barbara and I LOVE happy hour. Lots of busy professionals blowing off some steam. I’d like the lumberjack special and Barbara will take a side of tall, dark, and handsome.
  18. Trivia Night – Now THIS would be totally fun. Team up with Barbara and some guys and see how smart we all are. Perfect!
  19. The Cigar Bar – Ugh. No thanks. I don’t want to sit in a nasty, smoky bar waiting for some balding, insurance salesman who smells like whiskey to hit on me. Pass!