On being a singleton

I have a friend, a very good friend, who laments being single.

At their best moment, they feel they’re single because there’s no one interesting to date.

At their worst moment, they feel they’re single because there’s something wrong with them.

I take a different approach to being single.

I think I’m single because I simply haven’t stumbled across the path of the right person yet.

It’s a liberating concept.

Every day I’m one day closer to meeting someone perfect for me.

Every bad date I go on, every toad I kiss and regret, I’ve eliminated one more possible person who could be right for me.

Instead of failing at dating, I’ve succeeded at removing one more barrier to me finding someone right for me.

I have to admit, I have a lot of creative outlets for my energy.

From Burning Man to my friendships, I keep myself busy and seldom feel lonely.

But I’ve had a string of good luck lately and I find that I am most sensitive about not having a significant other when times are tough and I need someone to lean on.

So I’m appreciative that I’m living in a time of abundance, instead of scarcity.

And, you know, there are worse things out there than being able to flirt with whatever guy suits my fancy.

Like having no one to flirt with.

Or getting a HUGE friction burn on your inner thigh.

Now that would be AWFUL.

Come back to bed, Michelle

michelleCome back to bed, Michelle

One short phrase I’d love to hear someone say to me.

It’s not easy being single.

Putting yourself out there over and over again, all the while wondering if there is some fatal flaw in me that makes me so unloveable.

I have undergone so much self improvement it’s amusing.

HAI Level 1 (twice) and Level 2.

OM training.

Advanced Blow Job class (just in case I needed skills).

Skydiving.

Homebrew 101 and 102.

And of course, just to prove I’m a daredevil – running with the bulls.

And that’s just 1/10 of the shit I’ve done.

If I get any more accomplished, I’ll have to marry a prince.

And yet I still go to bed alone every night.

There’s  no one to tell my exciting stories to.

At the end of the day, when I’m drained and just want to snuggle on the couch and eat popcorn with while I wait for my Door Dash delivery, there’s NO ONE THERE.

Just my cat Princess.

I’m not gonna lie to you and say that being single is always fun.

Because sometimes IT REALLY SUCKS!

And if you’re me, dabbling in pseudo-relationships, not having someone to talk to even when you’ve got someone to bed is the pits.

Come back to bed, Michelle.

Music to my ears.

More Anti-Valentine’s Day ideas

I can’t tell you how HAPPY it makes me to embrace my bitterness and frustration and write these posts.

It’s cathartic!

I want to send all my single friends nasty little “VD sux” cards.

I want to wear a TOXIC LOVE sweatshirt to work with bitter little earrings and just wallow in anger and self-pity.

For once, I don’t want to be optimistic and positive and try to see my situation as temporary and enjoyable.

I just want to be mad.

Because on Valentine’s Day, being single SUCKS.

No one loves me.

Boo hoo!

av1The Boyfriend Pillow

 

av2Black Lollipops
av3Single AF Tank

 

av4Wine is my Valentine Glasses
av5Anti-VD Necklace

 

av6Anti-VD Earrings
av7Love is in the Air T-shirt

 

av8Happy Singles Awareness Day Card
av9Twat heart av10Cupcake Toppers

 

Save

Shitballs and crusty nuts!

I just realized that the next big holiday coming round the corner ready to brain me with hearts, red/pink flowers, chocolate, and saccharine sentiment is VALENTINE’S DAY.

Oh how I HATE Valentine’s Day!

A whole frigging day devoted to love and reminding me that I am single.

As if I need a reminder.

My whole existence is ONE BIG REMINDER that no one wants me.

Okay, that’s a lie.

Lots of people want me and love me, but no one who regularly climbs into bed with me and does the nasty with me.

When it comes to romantic love, I’m fresh out.

And that’s why I don’t need an entire day to remind me of that.

I have ALL THIS LOVE TO GIVE and NO PLACE TO PUT IT.

Sigh.

So, as typical for me, I intend to post my Anti-Valentine’s Day gifts – courtesy of etsy.com – so that you too can be bitter and angry like me.

Yet entertained.

So here it goes, Round #1 of Anti-Valentine’s Day sentiments:

av1Anti-Valentine’s Day Mug

 

av2Anti-Valentine’s Day Card
av3Broken Robot Heart Plushie

 

av4Vodka is my Valentine Tank
av5Black Hearted Soap

 

av6Anti-Valentine’s Day Necklace
av7Toxic Love Sweatshirt

 

av8Suck it Cupid Banner
av9Lighter Cases av10Anti-Valentine’s Day Fascinator

 

Save

Good (and Bad) Places to Meet Men

michelleMost of my friends are married or have boyfriends.

It sort of leaves me swaying in the breeze when it comes to activities I can do to meet men.

I don’t necessarily want to hang out by myself waiting for an appropriate man to come by.

That is why I am so stoked that my friend Barbara is single.

Not only is she single, she’s also BEAUTIFUL!

We look like sisters , we’ve been told many times.

Best of all, she and I have TOTALLY different types of men that we like.

So there’s no competition.

So, without further adieu – a list of good places to meet men, with a few bad places thrown in just for entertainment:

  1. The DMV – oh hell no! I’m not going to hang around the DMV in order to meet men. Pass!
  2. The Driving Range – I’ve always wanted to learn to play golf. It’d be fun to take Barbara and hit a few balls while scoping out the men at the range.
  3. Improv classes – Sounds like fun AND a good way to meet single men. And a great way to present for “funny!”
  4. Dog Parks – hey! I have a dog! What not take her and Barbara to the park – you know, the one next to the basketball courts. Shirts versus skins!
  5. Sporting events – Barbara and I already go to see the Giants (1x/month) and the 49ers (1x/season). Men are prolific there. Too bad I never seem to meet any of them. But that could change.
  6. Bar crawls – have you noticed that as the bar crawl progresses, the men get friendlier and friendlier? GREAT place to meet (drunk) men.
  7. Crossfit – okay, no on this one. I would never meet a guy a crossfit. That implies that I like working out and that is a big N – O.
  8. The Car Wash – I can see how this COULD be a good place to meet men, however you’d have to hang out for a while to really reap any rewards. I’m not sure I want to grab Barbara and hang out at Classic Car Wash.
  9. Sports Bars – Sports = Men. ‘Nuff said.
  10. Photpgraphy Class – or any adult education class for that matter. I could probably talk Barbara into taking a class with me. Might be a good place to meet single men. Course they always ask if I can “pose” for them. . .
  11. Wineries – okay, in my estimation men come here in COUPLES but MAYBE you could meet a wine connoisseur there. Probably not too many prospects for Barbara though.
  12. Music & Art Festivals – Again, a place where couples seem to hang out, but COULD be a good place to meet single males as well. If nothing else, at least Barbara and I will be entertained.
  13. Religious Gatherings – well, I’m not religious, so this would be a total bust.
  14. Weddings – ah, if only more of my friends were getting married. Wedding are a GREAT place to meet men and I would TOTALLY take Barbara as my plus one!
  15. The Shooting Range – I’ve always wanted to learn to shoot a gun. Bonus that there’s men around where you do that.
  16. Meetup Groups – I once went to a meetup group with a date, got pulled aside by another man, and asked out. Meetup groups are great for meeting men. If only I could find the right meet up group – fishing, hiking, sailing, etc.
  17. Happy Hour – This is great because Barbara and I LOVE happy hour. Lots of busy professionals blowing off some steam. I’d like the lumberjack special and Barbara will take a side of tall, dark, and handsome.
  18. Trivia Night – Now THIS would be totally fun. Team up with Barbara and some guys and see how smart we all are. Perfect!
  19. The Cigar Bar – Ugh. No thanks. I don’t want to sit in a nasty, smoky bar waiting for some balding, insurance salesman who smells like whiskey to hit on me. Pass!

 

Evolution

michelle beachAt first I wrote a big long blog post about using Tinder to hook up with dates.

You see, I told this guy (who happens to be smart, funny, single AND a burner) that he should troll Tinder for dates instead of ARRANGING FOR HIM TO GO ON A DATE WITH ME.

Let me say that again.

Rather than go on a date with an eligible bachelor, I advised him to visit Tinder to find a date.

What?!

I’ll admit, I’m flush with men right now.

But I am looking for a relationship and this guy on the surface seems to represent that possibility.

So why didn’t I arrange a date with him?

The simple answer to this question is I don’t know.

On some level I sensed that although he is quite single, he is not available.

Now I could be wrong.

Maybe he’s the most available man out there.

But sometimes, just sometimes, I think the best approach is to sit back and see how life unfolds when you’re not running at it at full speed with a battering ram.

When you just let it EVOLVE.

Casual sex

michelleOk.

So here I am in my early 40’s wondering why I’m still single.

I know a lot of people in this boat.

And we’re all for the most part reasonably attractive, educated, and funny.

I’m left wondering what is going on. Is there something materially missing from my life or am I suffering from personal shortcomings?

I came to the casual sex party a little late in the game – partly because I was married for 10+ years in my 20s, and partly because I was a Catholic for 30+ years.

Casual sex was a no-no.

Serial monogamy was acceptable.

Fast forward to the future, and my love life is all but non-existent.

That’s when casual sex started looking good.

And sometimes, I’m just saying sometimes, it just seems a lot easier to find a casual partner with no hint of relationship longevity than it is to deal with the pretenses of a relationship.

I’m just saying.

Casual sex can be a beautiful thing.

BITCH

michelleMen just have it easier

Do I really have to explain myself?

We live in a misogynistic world and it’s so much easier to be a man (and a white man at that), than it is to be a woman.

  • Women give birth.
  • Women are typically tasked with the lion’s share of raising the kids.
  • Women get paid less for the same job that men do.
  • Women are frequently the target of violence.
  • Women are objectified (see target of violence, above).

This is no scientific discourse on women’s rights, though.

No.

It’s about the dinner I was at the other night.

Everyone was SO CONCERNED about the single man in the room. The man who had been single for less than a year.

Was there a peep about me? 10 years single and running?

Nah.

Who cares? Just another single woman.

I personally think that people PREFER me that way.

  • I date men then get ghosted.
  • I get invited to be the third wheel in a threesome.
  • Married men propose wicked things to me.

Everyone is willing to take, but no one is willing to give back.

Basically, what I’m saying is what I’ve been trying to ignore for the past decade. . . THERE ARE A LOT OF SHITTY MEN OUT THERE AND THEY’RE ALL MEETING ME.

I know. This goes against my optimistic outlook on life.

I hate to think I’m bitter.

But after that dinner, I think it’s safe to admit that I am.

Bitter, that is.

And angry.

And frustrated.

And DEFINITELY not in a good place.

Dating Oneself

It was brought to my attention by Bagelfather that even though I desire to be with someone at burner events, I would benefit by BEING BY MYSELF.

I would essentially, be dating myself.

Now, I’m not adverse to being by myself.

Lord knows, I’ve spent a lot of time participating in activities that I do by myself. Activities like:

  • Took a class on giving blow jobs
  • Raced stock cars
  • Learned to OM
  • Did industrial modeling
  • Flew airplanes
  • Took 2 classes on beer making
  • Took a class on soap making
  • Took a class on glass blowing
  • Made ceramics
  • Got acupuncture
  • Went to the Korean Spa
  • Took a learn to crochet class
  • Took a pilates class
  • Attended a pleasure party
  • Dabbled at archery
  • Took a ropes class
  • Endured a totally sucky Burning Man 2015
  • Took boudoir photos

And so on. So you’ll forgive me if I say that I really don’t need to keep DATING MYSELF because I’ve had PLENTY OF PRACTICE.

Part of the reason why I want to meet someone is so that I can stop doing all these things by myself and start doing them with another human being.

My social skills are starting to suffer. I’ve forgotten how to have a conversation and I’m worried I might forget OTHER ESSENTIAL SKILLS ONE DOES AS A COUPLE.*

Like kissing and fucking.

So even though it may seem like a great idea to continue to encourage me to DATE MY OWN FUCKING SELF, it’s actually a been there, done that kinda scenario that I’ve already mastered.

Give me a break. I’ve been single for 10 years. I could use the company.

P.S.  The reason I wanted someone at SoulFire is that my ex will be there with his new lady and that will be hard for me.  It’s not about being part of a “couple” and more about having support/distraction.

 

* I’m joking.  Really, I am.

What’s on tap?

So I’m trying to plan out my next adventures and I have to say, this would be much easier if I was a couple. Then the “Chocolate Making Class for Two” would be appropriate. Or the “Love Lab” class that teaches couples massage would be ideal for an afternoon’s activities.

But no, I am yet single so I must plan my solo activities accordingly.

Right now, I have tickets to see U2 and I’m planning on going to the 4th of Juplaya with Tejas and friends. Juplaya is celebration of the 4th of July on the Playa, enjoying the surrounding hot springs and fireworks. It should be fun.

But that’s all I’ve got going on and I need to schedule some more activities. To begin with, I’d like to go back to BAGI and make more glass bowls. That was wicked hot, but wicked fun. And I loved the final product which is sitting in the entryway in my home.

As far as activities go, I could:

  • Take horseback riding lessons
  • Learn to golf
  • Go to the batting cages
  • Try my hand at fencing
  • Attempt to learn archery without lacerating my hand, like last time
  • More pilates
  • Study ballroom dance
  • Rock climb at Planet Granite
  • Fly a small plane, again
  • Take an improve comedy class
  • Paintball!
  • Learn to surf
  • Table tennis lessons, so I can beat my cousin Nick
  • More kayaking
  • Learn how to make bread
  • Take a dance class
  • Take that Bollywood dance class I’ve had my eye on for months now
  • Barre3 class, which my friend Christina swears by
  • Bootcamp, ugh
  • Billiards class
  • Introduction to firearms class
  • Piano lessons, refresh my skills on the piano
  • Shoot clays
  • Go river rafting, always fun on a Class 3+
  • Summer festivals!