Itchy palms

I came back from Burning Man with a few problems.

1 – I had really, really fried hair

2 – My liver was in desperate need of a detox

3 – My cuticles looked like something out of The Walking Dead.

Dry.

Peeling.

Like something you’d expect to see on a zombie.

So I went to my nail salon and got a manicure.

The woman took one look at my hands, clucked at me, and proceeded to work on healing my hands.

She gave me a paraffin wax treatment.

And since it had been so long since my last paraffin wax treatment, I forgot that they make me ITCH.

Fast forward a few hours later and my beautiful looking hands are starting to itch

BAD!

Believe you me, you have no idea how irritating itchy hands are until it HAPPENS TO YOU.

So I did what any person in their right mind would do.

I SCRATCHED them.

Well, it’s now been three weeks since Burning Man and my itchy palms have subsided and turned into FLAKING palms.

Yes, sir.

The skin is now FLAKING off my palms and fingers.

I can peel it off in big sheets.

It’s irrelevant that peeling my skin is about as satisfying as picking a scab off.

My hands look HORRID.

And they feel worse.

And ironically, since I’m a pervert, it does occur to me that I should put myself on a hand job TIME OUT.

No handjobs. No way.

Sandpaper is smoother than my hands right now.

And no one wants a sandpaper handjob.

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Am I Worth 200 Nickels?

lingerieThis is NOT going to be a post lamenting my single status.

As you all know, I very much enjoy being single and playing the field.

No, this is not a post about that.

This is a post about the TOTAL WASTE OF SPACE MY LINGERIE COLLECTION IS TAKING UP.

It’s so UNDERUSED.

Seriously.

Do I need to wear a sign around my neck that says date me?

Or maybe it should say something else?

Don’t go there.

Respect.

Even if there was a man I could wear lingerie for, I doubt he’d appreciate it.

Honestly, I can count on one hand the number of times a man has stopped in the middle of the action to remark on my lingerie.

It’s just something that gets in the way of all that delicious nudity.

On the other hand, if I had a nickel for every time a man paused, shook his head slowly, and remarked on what a nice body I have, I’d be rich.

Well, I’d at least be able to buy myself a beer.

Getting old SUX!

I’ll admit it, I was smug.

Growing up, I always had great skin.

No pimples. No breakouts.

Not even as a teenager.

But then I got older.

First, I got wrinkles.

None around my eyes, though I’m sure those are on their way.

But on my forehead and between my eyebrows.

Bring on the BOTOX!

Taken care of.

And all that sun damage from living in California?

Yeah, that showed up too.

All those times I slathered up with BABY OIL and hit the pool with NOT A STITCH OF SUNSCREEN ON AT ALL?

Finally caught up to me.

So I saw my dermatologist and had my sun damage removed, courtesy of 6+ FotoFacial sessions (a tidy little $1K investment).

Whew! Sun damage gone. What a relief!

Then I developed melasma on my forehead.

Courtesy of having babies (it’s also known as the pregnancy mask).

Not so easy to get rid of.

So at age 42, I finally started wearing foundation to cover up my melasma.

And then. . .

AND THEN. . .

My hormones have hit the skids as I experience the beginning of menopause.

And HOLY HELL, the acne is SOMETHING STRIAGHT OUT OF HELL!

Large, red, angry, deep below the surface, sporting fucking horns and a pitchfork which they use to irritate the bejesus out of you.

So, at age 42, I had to go to my doctor and get a prescription for topical antibiotics to treat my acne.

All this is to say, I am of course fighting the inevitable.

One day, I will be a wrinkled old lady whose looks have long since faded.

Hopefully by the time that happens, I will be a coupled up, happy grandmother with plenty of love and adventure in my life.

But today, I’m just going to go ahead and say it:

GETTING OLD SUX!

Michelle

How To Look Good Naked

The secret to looking good naked is not to compare yourself to anyone else.  Cultivate your own individual sex appeal.  Here are some suggestions:

  1. Without clothes to dress your body, hair is your only accessory.  Choose a style and color that flatters your face.  Try a wig if you want to be exotic.
  2. Cover the flaws and blemishes on your skin.  Start with a blank canvas.
  3. Glamorize your makeup to bring out your bedroom eyes and perfect pout.
  4. Breasts trigger an immediate and biological response in men – mimic the state of arousal with your nipples and use lip tints and concealer to lighten/darken or decrease the size of your nipples.
  5. Trim the hair down there into your favorite shape.
  6. Flaunt your booty.  The only way to get a perfect booty (besides winning the genetic lottery (like Amie Chadwick of Confessions of Amie))is by using Photoshop so embrace your imperfections and make the most of what you’ve got.
  7. Don’t neglect your feet.  Sexy feet are a turn on.
  8. Wear lingerie that fits.
  9. Layer your lingerie so you can put on a little strip tease.
  10. Don’t neglect your shoes.  Wedges look awful.  The best shoes to wear are stilettos.
  11. Consider using pasties.  Just be aware that they hurt to remove!
  12. Choose soft lighting – dimmer switches and candles are preferred.
  13. Have a great attitude and let it show when you shake your tail feather.
  14. Alluring aromas can be extremely evocative.  Chose a scent that make you feel sexy.
  15. Get a book or take a class to learn some stripper/burlesque moves.

There you have it, some quick tips on looking good naked.  Just remember, naked is natural so have fun!