Farewell soft pillows of my body!

I’ve always imagined that I look peaceful and sweet when I sleep.

Like a dainty little goddess floating on a sea of pillows.

Of course that was before The Swede took a picture of me sleeping on New Year’s Day and shared it with me.

Furrowed brow.

Bundled in blankets.

Pouty lip.

Not exactly the picture of sweetness and light I was hoping for.

Lately, I’m unimpressed with all pictures of me.

There’s just a little too much round and not enough angles.

But that’s on remedy, since my Medical Weight Management program starts today.

Nothing like going on a 960 calories-a-day diet to make a person slim down post holiday season, eh?

Sadly, I am fearful I will lose my butt and my boobs in the process, but it’s something I must live with if I want to be healthy.

Farewell soft pillows of my body.

I’m gonna miss you!

Sleeping on airplanes

I have NEVER.

Not EVEN ONCE.

Fallen asleep on an airplane.

Believe you me, it’s like TORTURE not being able to sleep.

All those hours ticking by, slowly, with my body contorted into an uncomfortable sitting position.

Pressure on my poor broken tailbone.

All the blood in my body pooling in my feet.

I am DETERMINED to fall asleep on my flight to Sweden.

Number one, because I want to shorten the long flight.

And number two, because I want to avoid jet lag.

So I have an arsenal of medications to soothe me.

First of all, I have my good pal Lorazepam.

I take it on every flight I go on, just to take the edge off.

Haven’t fallen asleep yet, but wait. . .

I also have my pal Melatonin.

6 mg of that puppy should put me on the edge of lullaby land.

And if that isn’t enough, I plan to consume my friends Benadryl and Dramamine.

Because those fuckers ALWAYS make me sleepy when I’m having an allergy attack or trying to avoid motion sickness.

Do I want the less drowsy formulas?

No fucking way!

Only full drowsiness for me.

The bottom line is that I am prepared to force my body to fall asleep at 3 pm PST and wake up at 9 am Stockholm time (12 am PST).

I may turn into a slug and melt into my seat, but by God, I will get some rest!

Hooker’s baths and Lorazepam

Ok.

Just a bone to pick.

I travel very rarely.

Mostly, I take trips to Reno, Nevada to visit my sister.

Occasionally I go to Hawaii with my boys.

The flights are 1 hour and 5 hours respectively from San Jose.

I’m checking out websites that have helpful suggestions on how to maximize comfort on long economy flights.

One suggested bringing aromatherapy.

This sounds like a good idea however thinking of my neighbors, I am hesitant to actually partake in aromatherapy seeing as how it might disturb the neighbors.

People can be very sensitive to smell.

I must admit, the idea of spraying potpourri in the toilet after someone dropped a deuce in there is kind of appealing.

Then again, so is waiting for the stench to disappear.

Another site recommended noise cancelling headphones.

Brilliant idea!

However, the cost is upwards of $300 so it’s not likely to be something I’m going to buy despite the fact that I think it’s a very useful suggestion.

Maybe if I start flying more I’ll invest in a pair.

I remember flying to Scotland with my sister a decade ago.

We left San Francisco smelling fresh and rosy.

We arrived in Scotland smelling like the gutter.

So it’s likely that I’ll take a hooker’s bath (baby wipes) when I reach Iceland so I don’t smell like rotten eggs for The Swede when I arrive in Stockholm.

I’m going to put my hair in a nice tidy bun.

I have a blackout blindfold (kinky), and comfortable ear plugs.

And Tejas lent me his neck pillow.

That’s about as luxurious and comfortable as I can make my trip.

Oh yeah, I bought compression socks as well, so I don’t arrive with my thighs hanging around my ankles.

Fuck, getting older SUCKS!

Nevertheless, I’m pretty sure my friend Lorazepam will help me sleep though as much of the flight as is possible.

Zzzzzzz. . .

Snooze

So there’s the class at my yoga studio titles, “Learn to Sleep Better.”

Ok.  Not as exciting as a blow job class but hey, who couldn’t use a few tips on how to catch a few extra Z’s at night?

The instructor is a Ph.D. Not an M.D. which instantly makes me nervous.  I mean, shouldn’t you have a medical background to dispense advice on sleeping?  What’s to keep me from hanging a shingle and dispensing my own “sleep advice”?

I’d suggest a whole like of nutty things like trying your thumbs together, eating fluffer nutters before bed, and humming the National Anthem backwards.

My point being… how is anyone supposed to know what makes this Ph.D. yoga instructor more qualified than me?

Well, for starts, it helps that he conducted sleep research at Stanford University.  That gives him some credibility.  Also, he studied at the University of California.  Not too shabby.

But I think his most prudent qualification is his full head of hair, bright white smile, and sparkling eyes.  The yoga ladies will eat his up.  Nom nom.

Yes, the sleep research scientist/yoga instructor is a bottle (aren’t they all) which makes me way more interested in going to hear him talk.

I’m not sure he can help me though since my sleep problem is that I have to get up to pee a lot.

And I’m not really sure that I want to admit that to a hottie.