What NOT to do when SPEED Dating

So Barbara went speed dating.

Women were invited to attend free.

Perhaps it’s easier to get men to sign up than it is to get women to sign up for these things.

I was wondering why she didn’t invite me to join in the, ahem, fun when I remembered that I’m an ENTIRE DECADE OLDER than Barbara.

So I COULDN’T ATTEND.

Why throw in a non-breeder with all those breeders.

It’s not like I’m going to have kids with a 30 year old.

Been there and DONE THAT.

PAYING FOR COLLEGE FOR IT, actually.

Yesterday at a Galentine’s Tea, the ladies asked Barbara about it.

Her experience much mirrored my own experience speed dating:

  • Five minutes can be a REALLY LONG TIME if there’s no connection.
  • In the end, all you need is ONE. But it feels like a FUCKING NEEDLE IN A HAYSTACK!

So just to remind you all of my speed dating disaster, here is what I wrote back in September 2014 when I lost my mind and decided speed dating was a good idea:

 

What shouldn’t you do when speed dating? Speed date. Full stop.

Just. Don’t. Do. It.

Let me save you the trouble and paint a picture of my speed dating debacle.

The evening started off nice enough with me getting stopped on the streets of downtown San Jose by a random man who wanted to tell me I looked beautiful. Awwww.

photo 2(3) photo 1(3)

 I arrived at the restaurant feeling confident. I was 30 minutes early so I decided to order one of their signature cocktails.

Bartender can’t make it. No grapefruit.

So I order a Sazerac – only the OLDEST cocktail in history.

Bartender can’t make that either.

Fine! I had an old fashioned.

I sipped on my cocktail, sulking a bit. Unimpressed with the bartender.

People started arriving for the event. I was eating a nice bloody rare steak I’d been craving when I was interrupted by the event hosts. Time to go!

Shit! No time to pee or brush my teeth after eating all that garlic and jalapenos at dinner. Oh well. Faux pas.

And did it matter?

Not one bit.

What happened next is what I like to call the “Parade of Trolls.” My dates were all fat, short, and even rude on several occasions.

They’d been rode hard and put away wet.

Oh, and did I mention that because I didn’t get a chance to pee I accidentally peeped my pants? Just a skosh.

Yeah, I was a real winner too.

Let me just say right now if I’m going to wear a too tight bra, I’d better be rewarded at the end of it. There was no reward here.

My only reward was my freedom. The joy of running out the restaurant door straight to my car to head home and purge the last two hours from my memory.

This whole experience has soured me to the entire dating world. There’s nothing I want less right now than another fucking first date.

Gah! Fucking speed dating!

I’m going to sit at home, eat cheese, and drink martinis while watching episodes of “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”

Speed date? I’d rather chew on tinfoil while shaving my head with a cheese grater!

The BEST Speed Dating EVER

Speed dating TurnedON style was wicked fun.

As expected, we were given some pretty probing questions to ask out partners:

  1. What do you want more of in your life?
  2. What is something that makes you feel alive?
  3. Tell me a secret?
  4. Tell me a sexual desire?
  5. What is something you try to hide about yourself?
  6. What is something you want more of in your sex?

Pretty in-depth questions, no? Yeah, I thought so to.

But it was tons of fun to ask and answer these questions and give spontaneous answers.

One candidate said, “Tell me a secret” and I just blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

“I want to give you a blow job.”

Later, when I asked him to share a secret with me he said, “I want to see you naked.”

How’s that for secrets? Scandalously fun, don’t you think? At least by traditional speed dating standards.

The thing about these questions is that they gave you the opportunity to get as real as you wanted to be. If you took advantage of that opportunity, then you gave your partner the experience of really feeling you.

And THAT was really sexy.

Definitely a TurnON.

So how did the evening end for me?

Well, with no love connections, I’m afraid. No one I liked wanted to connect with me.

Oh well.

For me that’s not the bottom line though.

The bottom line is that I went out and really played fully. I allowed myself to be felt and I HAD A GREAT TIME DOING IT.

No regrets.

Speed Dating TurnedON Style

I’m a little leery of speed dating.

And you’ll know why if you read my post on the speed dating fiasco (aka What Not to do When Speed Dating) I had a few months ago which I affectionately call “The Parade of Trolls.”

But more so than having no physical chemistry with each candidate, I also had no connecting dialogue with any of the men.

I’m talking about more than witty conversation, which is nice. I’m talking about sharing yourselves such that you can see and be seen by the other person. Establish a connection.

After the “Parade of Trolls” I swore of speed dating for good. And I was determined to make good on that promise until Eric came along and decided to throw TurnedON Speed Dating.

And the idea of a speed dating orchestrated by him just intrigues me.

Will there be Hot Seats? What do you want/you can have it games? Uncomfortable questions to answer?

You might be horrified at the idea of answering uncomfortable questions, but one thing is for sure – when the filters come off, you really see a person for who they are.

Warts and all.

And I find that sort of vulnerability very sexy.

Maybe this won’t work out. Maybe I’ll just be hanging out with all my OneTaste friends while we delightfully ask and answer awkward questions:

  • What turns you on?
  • What do you love about yourself?
  • What do you dislike about yourself?
  • What do you do to flirt with someone?
  • What do you do when you’re attracted to someone?
  • What do you try to hide from the world?
  • What do you wish more people noticed about you?

And so on…

Truthfully, I’m dying to see how honest I can be when faced with someone I’m attracted to. And don’t think it wouldn’t be special for me to meet someone I’m attracted to. When was the last time that happened?

So wish me luck as I brave the scary speed dating scene, this time with a little more optimism about having a positive experience.

Or else I’m done. I’m really done.

What not to do when Speed Dating

What shouldn’t you do when speed dating? Speed date. Full stop.

Just. Don’t. Do. It.

Let me save you the trouble and paint a picture of my speed dating debacle.

The evening started off nice enough with me getting stopped on the streets of downtown San Jose by a random man who wanted to tell me I looked beautiful. Awwww.

 

photo 1(3) photo 2(3)

 

I arrived at the restaurant feeling confident. I was 30 minutes early so I decided to order one of their signature cocktails.

Bartender can’t make it. No grapefruit.

So I order a Sazerac – only the OLDEST cocktail in history.

Bartender can’t make that either.

Fine! I had an old fashioned.

I sipped on my cocktail, sulking a bit. Unimpressed with the bartender.

People started arriving for the event. I was eating a nice bloody rare steak I’d been craving when I was interrupted by the event hosts. Time to go!

Shit! No time to pee or brush my teeth after eating that garlic and jalapenos at dinner. Oh well. Faux pas.

And did it matter? Not one bit. What happened next is what I like to call the “Parade of Trolls.” My dates were all fat, short, rude on several occasions. They’d been rode hard and put away wet.

And the men I went out with? If you scraped the bottom of a garbage barrel, grew that in a petrie dish, the collected the gunk that oozed from the fungus that grew on the garbage at the bottom of the barrel, that will give you an idea of the men I went out with.

Oh, and did I mention that because I didn’t get a chance to pee I accidentally peeped my pants? Just a skosh.

Let me just say right now if I’m going to wear a too tight bra, there’d better be a reward at the end of it. There was no reward here.

My only reward was my freedom. The joy of running out the restaurant door straight to my car to head home and purge the last two hours from my memory.

This whole experience has soured me to the entire dating world. There’s nothing I want less right now than another fucking first date.

And if I didn’t already have a date planned, I’d be swearing off dating entirely.

And just to prove how over it I am, I’d cement my vagina.

Gah! Fucking speed dating!

I’m going to sit at home, eat cheese, and drink martinis while watching episodes of “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”

Speed date? I’d rather chew on tinfoil while shaving my head with a cheese grater!

photo 5(1) photo 4(1)
photo 3(1) photo(5)

 

Speed Dating: My final hurrah

I have Speed Dating tonight.

I think I got over my hatred of the concept of speed dating right when I discovered a beautiful Michael Kors green strapless dress in my closet, just waiting for an opportunity to be worn out. And this is just such an opportunity.

Mystery Man wished me well, “I am so excited for you tonight. I have a good vibe about it. When you walk into the room you will turn heads. You have a smile that draws people to you and a mind that keeps them wanting more.”

Christ! His lips, God’s ears.

I can only hope.

My worst nightmare is that I arrive and the women’s volleyball team is there too – all tall, tanned and blond.

My other worst nightmare is that none of the guys are even remotely appropriate and I spend my night having to make small talk with men I’m not interested in.

In reality, it’ll probably be somewhere in the middle – a mixture of inappropriate men and very appropriate men plus a few real hot ladies thrown in as my competition.

I can hang.

Tips for Speed Dating (at least what I was able to endure reading online):

  1. Be confident
  2. Don’t whine
  3. Make introductions
  4. Brush your teeth like 20 times (NO BAD BREATH)
  5. Bring your A game
  6. Expect the unexpected
  7. Be yourself
  8. Be open minded
  9. Have fun
  10. Be polite
  11. Lower your expectations

Lower your expectations? Really? Must I lower a standard which (according to my friends and fellow bloggers) is dangerously low already? Maybe what they mean is I should suspend my ideas of what I think he’s going to look and behave like and just go for the nice guy who makes me laugh. Is that what they mean, perhaps?

Let’s hope so.

Speed Dating Blues

sd

I’m going to be speed dating on Wednesday evening and I’m NOT looking forward to it.

It sounds like torture – going on 10+ five minute first dates all in a row.  I suppose though you know all you need to know about your compatibility and connection with someone within the first 30 seconds.

Sometimes I sign myself up to do things when I really need to go with my guy instinct to run and flee.  Going outside our comfort zone is not always good.  Especially when there’s speed dating involved.

I plan to get through the evening by having a nice, big martini to start.  Or maybe a beer.  A martini might come off as too I’m-a-professional-drinker.

I’ll keep busy talking to other people and when I finally sit down for the mini dates, my goal will be to make each of my dates laugh at least once.

I think I can pull that off and it seems like a reasonably good attitude to have.  Maye him laugh.  Sweet and simple.

I can do that.

Speed Dating

If you ask me speed dating sounds horrible. First dates are always tricky. Imagine having twenty 5 minute first dates in one evening. I swear I will have to stock up on booze and Ritalin to make it through the night.

You see, I’m signing up for a speed dating evening with Match, basically because I’ve never done one before and I’m curious… are they as horrible as I imagine them to be?

I’ve been invited in my age group 37 – 49. So I will meet men ages 37 – 49 and my competition (the other ladies) will be ages 37 – 49. Man, am I glad I’m at the lower end of that spectrum.

The trick is each woman sits at a table and the men circulate among the tables. You vote on whether or not you like someone and if they like you back then you’re a “match.”

Pretty ridiculous, eh?

I swear, if I were to meet a man I liked, I’d just say, “How’d you like to blow this joint and go for a walk downtown?” and then we’d leave right in the middle of speed dating. Isn’t that romantic?

Can you imagine anything worse than connecting with someone and then having to go through 10+ more bad dates that evening?

Nothing worse, if you ask me.

So anyway, I’m reluctantly up for this challenge but not looking forward to it at all.

Some adventure this will be.