Tall-ish

I once went out with a man who was seven feet tall.

He used to get asked all the time “Do you play baseketball?” to which he’d reply “Why?  Do you play miniature golf?”

Ha ha ha!

I clearly remember standing on a bench kissing him and STILL being shorter than him.

And I’m not a petite woman by any stretch of the imagination.

So when I found out my latest date was 6’7” my first thought was “Okay, no big deal.”

It’s not like he’s seven feet tall.

However, having spent the afternoon with him I can now report back and say that yes, even 6’7” is tall.

I opted to wear heels because I figured I could get away with it.

Big Joe walked toward me to hug me and I was standing on a curb, in my heels.

I hugged him and was dwarfed by him even so.

Obviously I find his height very appealing.

I’m not gonna lie.

Look up “lumberjack” in the dictionary and it’ll have a picture of him with the caption “Big Joe.”

Which brings me to the other joke that my seven foot boyfriend used to say.

People would stare and say, “So is it true what they say about the size of a man’s shoes and his ___.”

To which he’d respond, “God no!  I’d be ten feet tall!”

LOL

Clever boy!

My type

My brothers Art and Cy, me and my birthfather

You know how they say that we all have a type?

Well, up until recently, I’d say that I didn’t have a “TYPE.”

This is based on the fact that a few people I’ve dated have been anti-type.

How could I pidgeonhole myself into a type when I CLEARLY date anti-type from time to time.

Luke was anti-type.

He was tall and rail thin, with a crazy metabolism powered by Type 1 Diabetes.

I compared him to Squidward from Sponge Bob.

Then there was Dave, who was anti-type simply by virtue of his 4 advanced degrees in Psychology.

Boy was THAT a MIND FUCK!

Just recently, I was showing Barbara some of my conquests (which I can’t post here because DUH, they’d kill me) when all of a sudden I realized, OH MY GOD. I HAVE A TYPE.

Barbara looked at all the photos and was like, “Yeah, these are the kind of men you’re interested in.”

Older than me.

Charismatic.

Big chested.

Facial hair.

Tall.

I have NO IDEA why this is my type other than IT’S SEXY AF.

My dad is 5’6” tall and Middle Eastern.

My birthfather however fits the type but I didn’t meet him until I was 22 years old, long after I’d established THIS as my type.

Oh, the mysteries of the world.

Am I genetically imprinted to be attracted to the men I’m attracted to?

Who knows.

All I know is this. . .

I could probably walk Barbara into a crowded room filled with men and she will be able to point out the men I’m attracted to.

Because. . .

. . .I have a type.

Newest disaster

michelleSo.

“You Never Know” emailed me on Match.

He’s a 6’6″ tall 49 year old man living in nearby.

Perfect for me, right?

Well, there’s a catch.

He’s separated.

Which means MARRIED, I have to remind myself.

Separated = MARRIED.

And he’s not SEPARATED in all caps.  He separated on December 26 – a detail he was crazy enough to add to his profile.

screen-shot-2017-01-03-at-11-13-03-amOy!

I’d have to be out-of-my-skull-actual-crazy to get near this guy (though he is my KRYPTONITE).

Fortunately, I’ve learned from past experiences and I’m not taking the bait, especially since he sent me this WONKY email:

“The modesty you express in your profile is pretty darn cute. But it’s kind of BS. You pretty much are rockin’ it.”

in reference to THIS picture:

geoffMe, draped across the hood of my friend Geoff’s car.

So, despite the fact that he’s EXACTLY what I’m looking for on the surface, he’s NOTHING that I’m looking for on the INSIDE.

I’ll take a pass.

I may have been born at night, but I wasn’t born LAST NIGHT!

Save

Skyscraper Men

tall menHis username (not kidding) was 6ft7Tall.

Let’s get right to the point now, shall we?

Are we fishing for women who are aficionados of skyscraper men?

I suppose I fall into that category.

I once had a boyfriend who was 6’ 10” tall and I basically loved watching people react to him.

There’s just something about a sky high tall man that gets the blood pumping.

Someone once asked me how me and Mr. 6’10” tall fared in bed. They didn’t believe that it was possible for things to “match up” properly with a 5’8” woman and a 6’10” man.

There were never any problems.

No doubt standing up would’ve posed a problem, unless he was after my belly button.

But overall, no. No problems.

Which brings me to 6ft7Tall.

I was tempted to reply to his email, sure I was. But I didn’t.

Why?

Because ultimately, his profile didn’t match with mine. Because even though I like height, it certainly isn’t the most important feature I’m looking for. It’s not even in the top 5.

And even though I love wearing sky high heels AND STILL BEING DWARFED BY MY DATE, it just isn’t enough for me to overlook incompatibility.

Sorry.

I’m sure he would have made a great story!

 

P.S. The other question Mr. 6’10” tall got asked was, “Is it true what they say about height and the size of a man’s penis?” to which he always responded, “God no!  I’d be 10 feet tall!”

Big and bald

baldApparently, I have a thing for big, bald men.

Lately all the men I meet seem to have two things in common:

  • They’re tall
  • They’re bald

Now, there’s nothing wrong with either. Obviously I have a thing for both (hello Bruce Willis, Billy Zane, and Patrick Stewart).

But I’ve noticed that a lot of these men post pictures of themselves online with lots of hats on.

In one picture, Mr. Britain is wearing a top hat. In another he’s wearing a beanie. And in yet another, a bowler.

It takes a good three or four pictures before I realize he’s bald.

And that’s more than okay with me.

I love palming a nice, smooth head while I’m kissing someone.

And those trim little spiky hairs feel so good against my skin if they rub their head against my… ahem… body.

But the hats?

Why so many hats?

I suppose bald men like to cover up their cranium to protect their heads from the elements. Without the protection of hair there, sunburns and windburn can happen so easily.

Don’t get me wrong, I like hats.

If I fall in love with you it’s a guarantee that at some point I will knit you a ribbed wool beanie for your noggin.

I only have one prejudice against hats.

Flat brimmed baseball caps.

It’s unnatural for a 40 something year old man to wear a flat brimmed baseball cap.

It just looks out of place.

Flat brimmed caps are for my 14 and 16 year old sons. Not people who are old enough to have voted for Reagan.

So by all means, shave your head. I like bald. Wear a hat even. But watch out for those flat brimmed ball caps.

Nothing kills my lady boner faster.

Does size matter?

Size doesn’t matter

Or does it?

I’ve always been attracted to big, tall men. In part I am sure because they make me feel like a petite, delicate female.

I also am not typically attracted to pretty boys. I prefer men with faces that hold my attention. They’re complex.

Looking at my history, I usually wind up with:

  • Tall
  • Athletic
  • No college education
  • Strong jawline, though not necessarily a handsome face

So imagine my surprise at being attracted to Austin, a man with a beautiful face, 5’10” tall, and small-ish hands.

Not exactly my type, or so you’d think.

But he is a very good kisser (just read Kisses That Go Nowhere). And he has a jawline that could cut glass.

And he looks like this naked.

Yes, I am posting a pic of Austin in the buff, at least part of him.

Now you can see why my brain turns to total mush around him.

And you can also understand a little of my confusion over why he’s interested in me.

I’m neither petite nor delicate.   When he stands next to me I’m almost his height. Doesn’t he want a tiny girl to make him feel big and masculine?

There is a possibility here…

Maybe size doesn’t matter. Maybe size is all in our heads. It’s what you do with what you were given that matters.

Maybe the biggest, strongest man is the one who internalizes his strength and doesn’t need the outside world to continually verify for him what he already knows.

The shortest man can still cast a very long shadow.

The one where she gets excited about a date

Last night I talked to Wine Man for a whopping 3+ hours.  It all began with some serious flirtatious texting on both our parts.

Me:  I want to go home to wine and chocolate but I’m all out of wine 😦

Him:  I have wine.  And I make awesome chocolate covered strawberries.

Me:  Wine and chocolate covered strawberries sound like a seduction scene.  LOL

Him:  Just saying…. Ha ha ha

Me:  You ARE flirty.  Send me a pic of you.

He sends me a picture of him cooking bacon.

photo 1

I send a pic of me in the bathtub.

photo 2

Him:  Whoa!  😉

Me:  It’s instagrammed.  I don’t look that good naked 😉

Him:  Now who’s flirty!  Did I mention I have wine and we can make chocolate covered strawberries?  Oh, and your opinion doesn’t count on nudity.

He sends me pics of strawberries and chocolate to prove his point.

Me:  You’re THE BOMB!  You’re already better than my last three dates and we haven’t even gone out yet 😉

We finally talked on the phone as I was driving home from work…. And we talked for the next 3+ hours.  He is a very interesting and very funny guy.  So here’s the details:

  1. He’s a Scorpio (like me).  Think excess of passion.
  2. He was drafted by the Atlanta Braves for pitching.  He lasted 2 weeks before he blew out his shoulder.
  3. He has a daughter (woo hoo!  Girls!)
  4. He lived in Montreal but can’t speak French.  He loves that I can.
  5. He likes wine and cheese so our first date (tomorrow) is at a wine and cheese bar in San Carlos.
  6. He can play the drums and played for Kenny Chesney.
  7. He reads a lot of business books.
  8. He’s the senior something-or-other for a video game company and is in charge of the entire series of a famous first-person-shooter video game that my boys love.
  9. My oldest son already thinks this guy is awesome.
  10. He’s a whopping 6’5” tall which I find very sexy.

So there you have it.  I have a date tomorrow which I’m actually really excited about!  Can’t wait to blog about that!