I did something OUTRAGEOUS the other day.
I was at a party.
One with a pool and a hot tub where wearing clothes was “optional.”
So I went in the hot tub.
BUT THAT’S NOT THE OUTRAGEOUS THING. . .
There was this guy there (there’s always a man, isn’t there?).
We were just chatting about tattoos and I mentioned that I had 5 tattoos.
He asked to see them.
No biggie, right?
Well, two of my tattoos are on my hips and there was no way to show them to him standing up in the hot tub since they were covered by water.
So I stood on the hot tub seat, STRADDLED him, and showed him my tattoos.
WITH MY PUSSY INCHES FROM HIS FACE.
Now, first let me say that I wasn’t really thinking straight. I’d had champagne and fire whiskey and wine.
Until I jumped up and shoved my pussy in his face, I really had no idea that he’d be so close in proximity to it.
I thought I was being more demure but in reality I was being INCREDIBLY BOLD.
I’m confident I will never do this again, but it was fun to do just this once and to see his reaction.
I’m not sure he even SAW my tattoos.
I think he was DISTRACTED. . .
One thing my sister and I do a lot of when I go to visit her is GET TATTOOS.
Another thing we do is GET PIERCINGS.
I can’t tell you how much fun I have in the dark, cramped rooms of seedy tattoo parlors and piercing studios.
My boys joke that every time I go to Reno, I return with a new piercing or tattoo.
And that’s not far from the truth.
This visit, my sister and I went to Black Hole Body Piercing in Reno.
I needed to get my nose piercing tightened. Exciting stuff.
My sister, however, got her left daith pierced.
I held my sister’s hand as the technician got ready to poke another hole in her body.
Lisa flinched when the needle went in. . . and she didn’t stop flinching.
I didn’t envy her the piercing, though I’ve been thinking about getting another pair of piercings in my lobes.
And the end result?
Nothing short of beautiful:
Start with a mini bottle of Champagne Pink Pop. Pick it out in a pink bottle thinking it’s pink. Discover it’s not pink and be disappointed. Try champagne and be even more disappointed. Add orange juice to make it drinkable.
Try OREgasmic Ale by Rogue Farms, because it’s supposed to be OREgasmic. Discover OREgasmic beer tastes like dirty feet and pot ash. Definitely not orgasmic. Be disappointed.
Try cheap stacked wine which comes in its own glass. Have low expectations. Have low expectations met. Feel foolish for trying wine which comes with a pull off lid.
Try Blood Orange Mimosa. Suspect it’s a headache in a bottle with a screw top lid, but love it anyway. Make your sister drink most of it after dosing it with vodka.
Graduate to bonafide liquor – making really strong mai tai and screwdriver. Decide to hop in the hot tub naked. Have to hang foot out of hot tub because of new foot tattoo (which effing HURTS). Have sister yell at you when you accidentally dip it in the water. Feel sheepish. Snap selfie anyway.
UPDATE: Get RAGING cellulitis (skin infection) from dipping foot in hot tub. Deal with your sister’s “I-told-you-so’s.” On antibiotics. Feel even more sheepish.
I made it through nearly 40 years of life without getting a tattoo. And then for some reason, when I turned 39, I started getting tattoos. In a matter of months, I went from 0 tattoos to 5 tattoos.
It seemed like every time I went to Reno to visit my sister, I’d return with a new tattoo.
But that 4th tattoo, well not long after I got it I started to regret it.
It’s supposed to be a heart with an infinity symbol in it. It represents eternal love.
Of course it didn’t help one bit that after I got this tattoo, my boyfriend dumped me to marry his coworker.
Eternal love? Really?
The only thing I’m happy about is the placement of this tattoo…. on my back where I can’t see it and can ignore its existence.
I’m not jaded, but occasionally the optimism with which I got this tattoo mocks me.
I love chicks with tattoos. My gorgeous friend Danielle has the most beautiful artwork on her body from a vibrant peacock to an inspirational Ganesha.
Up until recently, I had no body art. I watched my sister decorate herself with all sorts of artwork. And then I decided to get a tattoo. I got the symbol for balance on my hip. Then I got the symbol for abundance on the other hip.
Then, in a fit of love for my sister, we got matching YS tattoos. They stand for Yase (my nickname for Lisa when I was little) and Shel (Lisa’s nickname for me when she was little).
And finally, I got a symbol for eternal love tattooed on my shoulder – right before my ex-boyfriend dumped me for another woman who he married a year later. So much for MY eternal love. LOL
Which brings me to my plans for another tattoo. And if any of you have any ideas, suggestions, or opinions, please email them to me at email@example.com.
THIS IS WHAT I WANT:
I want a stylized lotus flower, in color on my back. Basically in the same location. Don’t you just LOVE IT?!
Lately, I’ve had a flight of younger men contacting me, Some as young as 27. I’ve also had a bunch of tattooed and bearded men reach out to me. And boy, I just can’t get enough of them.
35 and bearded? With tattoos? Yes, please!
39 with tattoos and a beard? I’ll take seconds.
The truth is I love a man with tattoos and I love a man with facial hair. Throw them together and as long as he’s not as old as ZZ Top, you’ve got a great combination.
Nothing draws attention to manly biceps like a sleeve tattoo… or any tattoo for that matter. It just gives me an excuse to stare at his bicep. The color and design just pull me in. I love hearing a man has tattoos. I can’t wait to see them with his shirt off.
And men with facial hair are super sexy. I love a good growth of scruff all the way on up to a full beard. They’re just so sexy. They scream “KISS MY LIPS!” and make you want to do it over and over again. I love a good scratch to my face by his beard. It doesn’t bother me one bit. It’s a reminder that we kissed.
So can you imagine when you throw these two together, you get a man with serious orgasmic potential. You’ve got the tattoos to tempt you to see more of him naked and you’ve got the beard adding that extra friction we all love.
Color me happy because I’m in heaven.
My ex boyfriend Jason and I were walking down the sidewalk in front of the Bellagio hotel in Las Vegas. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted this tattoo parlor. In a moment of (nearly) unrestrained romanticism, I turned to Jason and said:
You know, Jason…. I could get your initials tattooed on me – an “I love J.C.” tattoo – and even if we broke up I’d still be okay because I could always tell people J.C. stands for Jesus Christ. And who doesn’t love a girl who loves her some Jesus Christ, I ask you?!
[Note: I googled “Jesus Christ tattoos” hoping to find something I could link to or post here, but discovered most Jesus Christ tattoos are remarkably disturbing.]