Drat!

So my dresses finally arrived in the mail.

The first one was a yellow wrap around midi dress that was so lovely:

I put it on only to discover that it didn’t WRAP AROUND MY BODY.

There was this HUGE GAP where cleavage coverage should be.

I was literally falling out of the dress.

So it’s a no-go for Florida.

Then I tried on the other dress:

Sadly it too did not fit so well across my bust either.

These 38Gs are really causing problems!

So I’m back to square one.

I literally have NO DRESSES to wear to Florida and I’m panicking.

I need to go through my wardrobe and see what works.

Of course, all my summer dresses are buried behind all the winter dresses.

So it’s going to take effort and some maneuvering to check out what’s in my closet.

Tejas suggested that I wear this fishnet dress with my bathing suit:

But somehow, no matter how beach-appropriate it is, I just can’t see myself wearing it anywhere but the playa in Black Rock City.

Since I don’t have time to order online, wait for delivery and hope the dress fits, it looks like I’m going to have to shop the hard way. . .

. . . off the rack in a store.

Sigh.

We know how much I HATE that.

Maybe I can get Barbara to advise me where to go and what to try on.

She’s always fashionable and is good at shopping.

She’s the polar opposite of me.

I don’t want to set foot in a store and she can’t buy anything without touching it first.

Just what I need right now!

Impulse Control

There have been exactly ZERO dates for me in 2019.

That’s right, NONE!

Meanwhile Tejas is chugging along with his girlfriend and giving ME dating advice.

First of all, he thinks I need to get out more.

I skipped the Bohemian Party in Scott’s Valley to just chill at home with my spawn.

How am I going to meet people if I’m staying at home?

And we’ve already established that internet dating is a waste of time.

You might not know this, but Tejas is a Dating and Relationship Coach.

He’s got the certificate to prove it.

If only I followed Tejas’ advice, my life would run smoothly and I would achieve all my goals.

[cough]

At least that’s what Tejas’ thinks.

As it turns out, I follow Tejas’ advice MAYBE 10% of the time and the other 90% of the time I do whatever the fuck I want.

Seriously.

How many people have ACCESS to a Relationship and Dating Coach?

Not many.

And here I am IGNORING his advice.

It’s not that he gives BAD advice.

No.

Actually, his advice is really sound.

It’s just that I have poor impulse control.

That explains A LOT!

Woof!

I haven’t written about Tejas lately and that makes him sad, so this post is ALL ABOUT TEJAS.

In case you missed the memo, Tejas now has a GIRLFRIEND.

It’s been at least six months that they’ve been dating so all is well.

She’s good people in my book on account of she works with dogs and everyone who loves dogs I believe is a kindred spirit of mine.

Tejas just has his birthday and we celebrated with a nice dinner out on the town.

I gave him Cards Against Humanity as a birthday present because (OMG!) he didn’t have them yet.

I had to FIGHT my son for the box of cards because when he saw them in my room, he tried to abscond with them for his own evil purposes.

The BIG news however, is that I will not be camping with Tejas at the burn this year.

Nope.

I’m staying in a small tent (dusty) in another camp (also dusty) far away from Tejas.

On the one hand, I’m happy that another camp has agreed to take me into their camp.

On the other hand, the safety of the Motorbeast (Tejas’ RV) will no longer be there for me.

The temperatures on the playa can get BRUTAL – hot, hot, hot during the day and freezing cold at night.

Going to Burning Man and staying in a tent is nothing new to me.

I did it in 2015.

I think everyone should camp in a tent for at least one year at Burning Man.

Now I’m going to go for a second year in a tent.

No Tejas.

No Motorbeast.

Have no fear, though.

Tejas will be close enough that we can get together when we want.

This formally concludes your programming on Tejas.

Girlfriend.

Burning Man.

Motobeast.

Woof!

I’m going to Burning Man!

Amidst all the planning for the Bare Burn, I am also trying to organize myself for the BIG burn.

Burning Man, itself.

I got my tickets and vehicle pass in the mail this past weekend which got me all excited about my upcoming trip to the desert.

There’s a lot of planning that goes into Burning Man trips.

A lot less planning though now that I’ve been there a couple of times already.

My stuff is loosely organized.

I have Burning Man outfits to wear.

My only problem is I don’t know where I’m going to sleep.

Will I be in Teja’s RV?

Will I be in a tent?

Am I driving my truck there?

Is The Swede joining us and if so, do I need to get a bigger tent to accommodate him?

All these questions need answers.

But if I’ve learned nothing from Burning Man, I’ve learned that even the best laid plans go astray and I need to worry less about the plan and focus more on being as prepared as I can be.

Diagonal clippers.

Twine.

Duct tape.

Multitool.

Lights.

Face mask.

Goggles.

Shade structure.

Honestly, just making a list gets me all excited because I know I’M GOING TO BURNING MAN!

Random act of kindness

My first trip to Burning Man, I rode up with a friend who was kind enough to haul all my crap in a trailer behind his truck.

Sixteen bins worth of crap, believe it or not.

We didn’t get the EARLIEST start on the last leg of our trip to the Black Rock Desert.

We left Reno sometime between 11 am and 12 pm, having had to stop at a few stores for some last minute provisions.

Needless to say, I was unprepared to arrive on the playa as late as we arrived.

It was after 9 pm and well past dark.

I had to set up my tent all by myself.

It was then that I realized my work gloves, stakes, tent, tarp, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, my HEADLAMP were all in different bins and I needed to first locate them before I could even begin to set up my tent and (ultimately) go to bed.

I was pathetic.

I managed to find everything and as I was staking my tent to the ground with a sledgehammer and 24” rebar, I suddenly realized that I was going to cry.

There I was, mere HOURS into my first Burning Man experience, and I was on the verge of tears.

And I’ll never forget this, so long as I live, but Tejas got up and helped me pound in my last few stakes.

Maybe he knew I’d hit a wall.

Maybe he saw defeat in my eyes.

But that gesture of kindness on his part made all the difference to me.

I was suddenly rejuvenated and found the energy to change my clothes and head out to the local bar for drinks.

There’s a saying in Burning Man:

THE PLAYA PROVIDES.

I’m not sure I can attribute my salvation that night to the playa.

Maybe it was just the kind gesture of a good friend.

But I’ll tell you this. . . at the time it was the most generous, thoughtful, random act of kindness anther person could bestow on me.

Just one of many I received during my first burn.

Exciting Developments

There have been a couple of exciting developments in the last few days.

First of all, Tejas bought a 3-wheel electric scooter.

I’m totally stoked that he decided to get one because it means he can get around easier in places like the Pagan Bunny Burn, unSCruz, and Burning Man.

At least he’ll be able to move around at festivals until his knees get fixed.

I hated the idea of him getting stuck in camp because he couldn’t walk to other locations.

Let’s hear it for electric scooters!

Even if they’re made by Harley.

The SECOND development is that THE SWEDE IS COMING TO BURNING MAN.

Aside from the OBVIOUS reasons I’m excited he’s coming, I simply can’t wait to see HIS MIND GET BLOWN AWAY by all the art, creativity, community, and interactivity that is Burning Man.

Now.

This development means that I have to plan Burning Man COMLETELY different than I have in past years.

For one, I have to procure another playa bike for The Swede.

For two, it looks like I’ll be cooking for three people, not two.

And another thing – I may have to sleep in the little bed in Tejas’ RV and give the big bed over the cab to The Swede.

Finally, I may have to assist The Swede in getting outfits for Burning Man.

He’s not really the “outfit” type but my guess is that when he gets to Burning Man and sees the self-expression that is featured at Burning Man, he’ll wish he had a tutu.

Or a kilt.

Or graphic leggings.

Something.

We also have to figure out how to light him up at night.

So there’s that too.

There’s all sorts of acculturization that goes into a trip to Burning Man and with him being remote from me, planning is going to be a challenge.

Nevertheless, it’s GOING TO BE FUN!

One thing is for sure. . .

. . .we’re gonna need A LOT OF SUNBLOCK!!

Junk in the trunk

Speaking of JUNK IN THE TRUNK, I worked on a project over the weekend – a pale pink tutu which I lit up with pink fairy lights.

I had to stitch the fairy lights to the tutu and let me tell you, IT WAS NOT FUN.

You try using TRANSPARENT fishing line to stitch a thin wire to the gauziest of fabrics and see how well it works for you.

Actually, what I am doing here is bitching about my eyesight, which is not what it used to be.

So, I finish stitching the lights to the inside of the skirt and I slip it on to check it out.

Lo and behold, the tutu rests 14 inches down the front of my thighs. . .

. . .and the back of the tutu barely covers my ass on account of all the JUNK IN MY TRUNK.

Of course, Tejas tried to make me feel better.

He reminded me that come August, I will be smaller than I am now because of my diet.

[Of course this didn’t help me feel better since the diet has sorta gone by the wayside.]

Look at ALL THAT JELLY!

Seriously.

You could serve tea on my ass, it’s that big!

“I’m gonna need to buy some pink ruffle panties,” I tell Tejas.

“Who knows. . . by the time Burning Man rolls around, you might be wearing a thong., “ he replied (way more optimistically than he should have given that he KNOWS how bad the diet is going.)

Optimism.

SoulFire (aka the night I lost my pants)

I can’t BELIEVE I haven’t told this story yet.

As you know, SoulFire is near and dear to my heart.

And it’s because of the people and cherished memories.

So many loving hugs, smiling faces, and open hearts!

Each time I’ve gone to SoulFire, it’s with my BFF Tejas.

The first time we ever went, we took his Motorbeast (the RV) and did a “mock up” of Burning Man.

To see if we could live with each other.

Within minutes of arriving and setting up, I was making Tejas a cocktail.

A margarita.

He handed me his cup, which was a LARGE MCDONALD’S cup that used to hold soda in it.

I made him a QUADRUPLE!

Actually, what I should say is that I MADE HIM A QUADRUPLE WITHOUT TELLING HIM!

[I call it a QUADRUPLE, but really I have no idea how big it was.  I just kept pouring tequila.]

I thought it would last the next several hours.

Well, he drank it down, not realizing how much tequila I put in it. . .

. . .and proceeded to forget the rest of the evening.

No memory of having dinner. No memory of getting nicknamed by a sexy woman.

Nothing.

I, on the other hand, proceeded to walk around naked (it was a naturalist resort, btw) then semi naked in a tank top and booty shorts.

Let’s just say when I woke up in the morning, I couldn’t find my jeans!

Late into the evening however, someone came to fetch me to bring Tejas home to his RV.

He was sitting on a bench, happy as a lark, ready to go to bed.

And do you know, I managed to get him to the RV, undressed, and even got his C-PAP machine on him before I went to bed.

I am one hell of a good friend (or good at making up for being a BAD friend and getting my BFF wasted).

Tejas and I always have a good laugh about it now.

The night I got him drunk, lost my pants, and put him to bed!

Happy Birthday Tejas!

Tejas turns 57 in a week.

And although most people don’t understand it, he happens to be my best friend.

In the three years that I’ve known him, we have been on many adventures together.

Three Burning Mans.

Five SoulFires.

One unSCruz.

And countless parties.

He has kept me company on the long drive to Santa Rosa to visit my birthfamily.

And he accompanied me during my research into nude resorts.

Tough job, eh?

 

So for his birthday I got him something special.

You know how he likes to wear Burning Man pendants?

Well, I purchased a pendant for him from a small studio in Bali.

It’s a steampunk pendant loosely based on an ancient Mayan calendar design, which is perfect since Tejas has some Mayan in him.

I think he will LOVE it.

So to my bestie, I wish you a very happy birthday!

There’s no one I’d rather burn with than you.

Even though you drive me crazy at times. . .

Easy access

Every Monday, Tejas cooks me dinner.

But last Monday, I cooked him dinner because he donated his fish and crab from our fishing trip to me.

I made the tastiest, flakiest, fresh, crumb-coated cod filets you can imagine which I served with mashed potatoes, gravy, and green beans dressed in a lemon and mustard sauce.

It was delish!

While Tejas was there, I took the opportunity to show him some of the stuff I’ve acquired for my trip to Sweden – specifically my boots.

He encouraged (forced) me to try them on to make sure they fit okay.

And they did.

Then he proceeded to give me unsolicited advice.

Something along the lines of: SLEEP NAKED WITH THE SWEDE.

At least that was his suggestion when I told him I was planning to get a nice, comfy yet sexy nightgown to sleep in.

Hmmmm.

Sleep naked?

There’s another person in the house.

I always wonder what I will do if someone walks in OR if I have to evacuate the house because of a fire or carbon monoxide, etc.

Sleeping naked is not my forte.

If you’re worried about easy access, a nightgown usually hitches up around the waist providing absolutely NO PROTECTION against the onslaught of man.

But then, I came across THIS PAIR OF PAJAMAS on CafePress and I said:

YAAASSSS!

I had to have them.

Sweden AND hockey?

It’s The Swede’s dream.

So folks, I opted to pick not the sexiest pajamas nor the ones that provide the easiest access, but I certainly have selected a popular option.

Sweden and hockey, folks.

There in lies that man’s heart.