No HARD Feelings

I’ll never forget my first experience with “whiskey dick.”

I was a freshman at UCSB and my girlfriends and I were discussing impotence over dinner in the cafeteria.

I announced that it had never happened to me and then I FORGOT TO KNOCK ON WOOD.

That night, I hooked up with my usual lover after a night of drinking only to discover that HE COULDN’T GET IT UP.

Murphy’s Law strikes again!

In the years since college, my experiences with impotence have been few and far between.

The Hunk had problems.

But given that he saw fit to solve his problem by surreptitiously slipping off the condom, I have no sympathy for him.

There have been a few other men I have come across who have had this problem.

I don’t really understand why they’re not knocking on every doctor’s door, trying to get the problem fixed.

I’d be up, bright spanking early, waiting for the doctor to arrive so I could discuss a remedy for my problem, if I were an impotent man.

I once dated a man who was a staff member of a prominent college football team.

He had HUGE problems getting it up.

He preferred to get and give oral sex.

Now, I don’t know about you, but for me oral sex is a nice appetizer but it’s not the main course.

I might have been SLIGHTLY impatient for him to get everything working properly.

Hey! I’m a Scorpio.

I don’t like it when my sex life is interrupted.

Besides disrupting your sex life, the other thing about impotence is that it can be an indication of larger health problems.

So men really should get checked out by a doctor.

Now, you might be wondering why I bring this up.

Has it happened AGAIN?

I’m happy to report that no, no one has had problems getting it up around me.

And this is me KNOCKING ON FUCKING WOOD, RIGHT NOW!

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No HARD feelings

imageToday I’d like to discuss something very serious.

Something that impacts sex lives everywhere.

Yes today friends we’re going to discuss IMPOTENCE.

It used to be that every time I tried to get some action, action materialized in the form of a nice, hard unit and it TOOK CARE OF BUSINESS (except for that unfortunate incident of whiskey dick at UCSB).

That was in my 20’s and 30’s.

In my 40’s however it’s a different story.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

And there’s no predicting it.

Men who you’d think would have trouble, get it up just fine. And men who you’d think have no trouble just can’t seem to get a rise out of it.

Take The Hunk, for instance.

Tall, fit, and sexy, you’d think his unit would work just fine.

But you’d be WRONG!

And it just makes me think that perhaps IT’S TIME TO WARN A GIRL THAT IT MIGHT NOT WORK.

You know, just to frame that night’s activities properly and to prepare her for a possible change in plans.

That way if it DOES work then kudos to her. She’ll feel sexy and accomplished for helping him get it up so they can get it on.

I have to believe that men who have this problem know about it.

If it were me, I’d be running to the urologist for my Viagra-Cialis cocktail/IV drip.

Since men don’t like to admit their liftage problems, I’ve developed a couple of tests to determine if in fact you’re dealing with a flaccid problem:

  1. You kiss and when you grope his crotch, nothing is hard.
  2. You straddle his waist but nothing rises to the occasion.
  3. You go down on him and find nothing but a softie.
  4. You GO DOWN ON HIM FOR 20 MINUTES and still find a softie. True story.
  5. No matter what you do, he never gets hard.  Also true story.

That’s your clue. Nothing gets hard. Or it gets hard then fades away quickly. Doesn’t bode well for bedroom activity.

And just so you don’t think I’m a total heartless bitch, let me point out that impotence can be a sign of serious medical illness so don’t ignore it, SEE YOUR DOCTOR.

In closing, I would like to say that I think honesty and full-disclosure is the best policy. Intimacy can be achieved many ways and not all of them involve penetration (although the best ones usually do).

Full disclosure just allows you to get creative with your bedroom skills and makes sure that there are NO HARD FEELINGS!

It’s not me, IT’S YOU!

michelleIt’s like me trying to lose my virginity ALL OVER AGAIN!

I went out with The Hunk.

Yes, he’s been a little absent from this blog, but he’s been lurking in the corners of my life.

If you remember, he’s the guy who “snuck it in” without a condom on when I WASN’T LOOKING – i.e. I was facing the other direction, get it?!

Anyway, I was NOT TOO COOL WITH THAT but since he is a hunk I decided to give him another chance.

BAD IDEA!

I take The Hunk into a bedroom to play and wind up giving him a blow job on a TOTALLY FLACCID tool for the better part of 20 minutes.

Finally, I give up and say, “Well, would you like to play with me for a while?”

RECIPROCATION, bro!

He says, “How about you play with yourself and I’ll watch!”

Fuck man, I can do that at home. I’m here for some action.

WHATEVER.

Clearly, he is a lazy lover.

Fast forward a few minutes, and I’m working on him again, desperately trying to get him hard enough to have sex.

I’m making noises.

I’m using my hands and my mouth.

And he gets semi erect so I slip on a condom. I was even nice and I added a drop of lube to it.

But the minute I mount up, he can’t get it up.

“It’s the condom,” he says. “We’ve done it without a condom before. . . “

“Not this time,” I tell him. “I’m calling it a night.”

“Hey babe, it’s not you. Please don’t worry that it’s you,” he says to me.

“Dude, it’s ALL YOU!” I want to say but I just nod and say “I know.”

Lesson learned: If you’re looking for a stunt cock, make sure the stunt cock you get, works!

The Hunk is back

IMG_8279The Hunk is back.

Yes, after a nearly 4 week absence, he has returned to penpal me to death.

Oh the texting!

I can’t quite figure out why he keeps in touch with me.  Clearly, he’s not that into me.

And I’m not all that into him, judging from the fact that I didn’t notice he was gone until he returned.

Except I sure do like to look at him.

And swing from his biceps.

And he wants to do lines of coke off my chest.

It’s a match made in someplace-other-than-heaven.

For sure!

Easy come, easy go

michelleThat’s the problem with online dating.

It’s so easy to meet someone new that any slight fault or failure in your current paramour and you’re holding up the “NEXT” sign.  Or they are.

The Israeli and I are still going out but I’m not in love with him.

He looks good on paper but in real life I think he just wants a booty call, no strings attached.

The Hunk is still around but has turned into more of a sweet pen pal than a lover and confidant. He swears we’ll get together but no plans materialize. Considering he wants to do lines of coke off my breasts, this may or may not be a bad thing.

I’ve never been much of a girl who falls in love as she slowly gets to know someone.

I’m more of a love at first sight kinda gal.

I’ve always known within a few days of meeting someone whether or not we were headed for relationship territory, booty call land, or the easily forgotten wastelands.

The newest man I am corresponding with is handsome Arizona transplant to the Bay Area. He is the father of two identical 8 year old daughters WHO LOOK LIKE ADORABLE MINI VERSIONS OF ME.

If we were out in public, I swear no one would know that I’m not their mother.

And the thrill of being perceived as the mother of two such beautiful little girls fills me with longing.

Is it okay to say that this man is off the charts when it comes to desirable features and I barely know anything about him.

I should’ve had daughters.

Then I wouldn’t be jonesing at the slightest suggestion of dating a man with DAUGHTERS!

The other man I’m messaging is French and has 3 sons.

Three sons!

Can you imagine family photos with him? Just him, me, and our 5 boys! Whew!

So there you have it. Two in the hopper and two in the chute.

Easy come, easy go.

Clean Laundry

The other day, I took my boys shopping with me and we wound up inside a Sephora store while I shopped for makeup.

I thought my boys would be put out by this side venture, but instead of being upset and complaining, each of them took to the men’s cologne racks and searched for a scent… with assistance from me, of course.

They each settled on a scent and my Sephora bill skyrocketed.

cologneQuite frankly, I’m not used to men wearing cologne.

Most of the men I date skip this step when they’re getting ready to take me out.  They smell like sweat and soap.

Recently, I’ve been enjoying the scent of The Israeli.

I have no idea what he wears, but he wears it well.

I complimented him on it and now he wears it all the time.

I leave our date with his scent ALL OVER ME.

It’s so nice to have a reminder of the person you were just with. I confess, I like his cologne a lot.

But then there’s The Hunk. The Hunk doesn’t wear cologne. He wears “eau de sexy man”.

And that’s a very appealing scent too.

And one that I don’t mind getting all over me as well.

But I can’t help thinking about my ex boyfriend Jason. He had by far the best fragrance of any man I’ve ever dated.

I’ll never forget what it was…

…Walgreen’s dryer sheets. The generic variety.

That man had good laundry karma.

And if you can believe it, as it turns out my favorite scent on a man is “clean laundry.”

It’s that simple.

Disappointment

IMG_7832I was at The Hunk’s jobsite, chatting with him when he told me he’d be joining me at SoulFire this weekend.

I was so excited!

Nothing like going to a nudist resort with a new man to get you over the old one.

And have some fun in the process.

I was looking forward to going hot tubbing with him and just hanging out with friends shooting the breeze.

And maybe, just maybe, I was excited at the thought of sharing a tent with him.

But then a few hours later, I got some bad news.

He can’t go.

He has to work. Something about not using a crane on an occupied building.

Well, ok.

Sigh.

So now I am back to where I was.

Going to SoulFire by myself.

My friend TJ pointed out that maybe I’ll meet someone new there, who knows?

But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed about missing out on some time with The Hunk.

That man was born to snuggle with.

The Hunk spends the night

IMG_7832I saw The Hunk this morning before work. He was working on a job site close to me so upon invitation, I popped over for a hug and a snuggle.

For the first time since we started going out, I was not wearing heels and I have to admit, the man DWARFED me.

It was quite thrilling.

So, as it turns out, he will be coming to SoulFire on Saturday night and spending the night with me.

In case you didn’t get that, I said that there’s a hot, hunky guy who is going to spend the night in my tent.

Now, this has been a subject of debate among my friends.

I think he’s not that into me.

They think he’s being polite.

[NOTE: He did “jokingly” ask for a topless photo of me, but rescinded his request right after.]

I guess we will find out this weekend.

Because if he lets me go to bed without kissing the stars out of me, then there is no hope for us as and we are destined to be JUST FRIENDS.

But if he does, in fact, kiss all the stars out of me, then we’ll know that he likes to take his time and there is chemistry between us.

And who knows what might develop?!

Just me, The Hunk, a big tent, and hours upon hours of free time….

Late for work

IMG_7899“Are you home?” The Hunk asked.

“Yes,” I replied. I was just getting ready to leave the house to head to work in the morning.

“Good. I’m down the street on a job site by you,” he said.

Oh joy! The Hunk is close to me and wanted to ping me to say hi.

Then he asked, “Do you want to come by the job site?”

Abso-fucking-lutely.

“Sure,” I said casually.

So I drove down to his job site and watched him lumber towards me, all 6’4” of him.

I was sitting in my car making small talk with him when suddenly the urge to hug him hit me.

So I hopped out of my car announcing that I needed a hug.

And he complied.

He stooped down to hug me, making me feel quite delicate and ladylike (when we all know I’m rather like an Amazon daredevil).

I thrilled in the moment.

He was warm and hard, just like a guy should be.

I melted into his chest and held on to the hug for as long as I possibly could.

If he only knew the thoughts I have about him. What I think of when I see him walking. Where I imagine him putting his big, huge hands….

These were the things going through my mind as I hugged him.

And that, my friends, is how I wound up 45 minutes late for work on Wednesday.

Yes, I’m making fun of myself

So the other day I’m quietly reading a book when my phone pings me that I have a message.

I unlock my phone and see this:

dorieAnd I literally rolled off my bed laughing.

It’s so true.

No sooner do I swear off men then my social calendar explodes with them and I’m giving myself whiplash checking out all the men contacting me.

I don’t know what to do. I want to refrain from dating but at the same time it is LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO PASS UP THE HUNK.

When my coach asked me to refrain from dating, I’m sure that didn’t apply to 6’4” handsome men with biceps as thick as my thighs. Right?

The bottom line is I love men.

There, I said it.

I love their energy. I love the cause and effect simplicity of their approach to life. I love the firmness of their bodies and the softness of their lips. I love it when they get all manly and open doors for me. I love it when they get all cuddly and snuggle with me.

So yeah, giving up dating (and all the benefits that go with it… wink, wink) is hard for me. And I might be failing just a little bit.

But I’m trying to get it right.

And someday, maybe soon, I’ll be spending less time giving myself whiplash and more time staring straight ahead at my goal.