Grilled cheese and gin and tonics

Now that I’m stepping on the scale a few times a week, I’m feeling very sheepish.

Like HOW IN THE WORLD DID THAT HAPPEN?!

One minute I was frolicking nude in my backyard, to devil with the neighbors, and the next minute I could barely stand to see myself naked.

Oh yeah, I know.

Curves.

Yadda, yadda, yadda.

But when did I get so CURVY?

You know when your kids are 16 and 18 you can no longer use the pregnancy weight excuse.

So I guess it’s all the grilled cheese sandwiches and gin and tonics I consumed.

I’m still plugging along on my diet.

In two weeks I’ve lost 6 pounds.

Which is an accomplishment, but is also frustrating me.

Like can’t this go ANY FASTER?

I’ve got bikinis to wear, and bodysuits to rave in, and lingerie to pose in, and photos to take!

And I just want to get to my destination AS FAST AS FUCKING POSSIBLE.

I suppose since it took me 10 years to get here I should have a little patience.

Working hard for something makes you value it ALL THE MORE.

And it will certainly deter me from ever eating an excess of grilled cheese sandwiches and gin and tonics.

Right?

You’re not alone, sister!

Almost two and a half years ago I participated in Burning Man for the first time.

As is my usual habit, I spent A LOT of time planning and prepping.

I carefully reviewed every Burning Man Essentials list and incorporated all the items I was missing into my growing inventory.

In the end, I had 16 bins full of gear.

I may have gone overboard, but let me tell you, I was PREPARED.

Sunblock for my hair?

Check.

Essentials oils for my face mask?

Check.

Ridiculous now to think about them, but at the time I thought they were ESSENTIAL.

Needless to say, I spent a lot of time looking online for fashion guidance.

Self expression is BIG at Burning Man.

I was totally disappointed to find that 99.9% of the representations of women at Burning Man include slim women only.

Where are my thick girls? My curvy ladies?

I could find no representation of women on the playa for women OVER A SIZE 12.

What up?!

I began to wonder if I’d be the only thick girl on the playa.

Of course, that turned out to not be the case, but it still bothers me to this day that the diversity that exists on the playa is not captured by playa photographers.

And, of course, I had to remedy the situation not just by posting my playa photos on the internet, but also by creating a Pinterest board with fashion inspiration for the curvy lady planning to go to the playa.

You’re not alone, sister!

This post is hard to write

This post is hard to write on account of it hits a little too close to home.

Just a little too much truth in it.

So.

I ordered three pairs of high-waisted bikini bottoms from the UK in order to wear them to Burning Man.

Nice, right?

Well, they arrived and I opened up the package, pulled out the bikini bottoms, and discovered. . .

. . . that they were absolutely MASSIVE.

We’re talking HUGE knickers here.

I thought, “there’s NO WAY those will fit me!”

The bad news is: they fit.

The good news is: just barely.

Yeah, I’m one skipped breakfast away from having those bikini bottoms drop to the floor.

Nevertheless, this whole experience gave me pause.

For the first time in a long time, I felt unattractively fat.

Now.

I know I’m a thick girl and that some men find thick sexy.

And that some men don’t.

I’ve always been okay with my curves.

But to feel unattractive?

Well that just isn’t going to fly with me.

When I imagine I’m young and thin

So this happened:

I bought three pairs of high waisted bikini bottoms and all the accoutrements to go with them.

I have to admit, even I paused when I bought cupcake earrings and I asked myself, “Would a 43 year old woman REALLY wear CUPCAKE earrings?”

And the answer of course, is yes.

Yes, I REALLY would.

Burning Man is about expressing who you are and including all your idiosyncrasies and I suppose that DEEP DOWN, I am an 18 year old girl who is thin, wears bathing suits as clothing, and goes to raves.

We all know the truth.

I am a thick, middle aged woman with a questionable relationship to EDM.

But I have a theory about that.

I don’t think being thick matters.

I think, for the most part, people just enjoy seeing other people’s bodies.

The men I am with don’t seem to complain about mine.

So why not show it off?

Confidence is SEXY.

That said, if I start wearing my hair in two knobs on top of my head, you have my permission to slap me. . .

. . .on my NICE, THICK ASS!

What do Victoria Secret Angels have to do with Burning Man?

What do Victoria Secret Angels have to do with Burning Man?

Screen Shot 2015-05-05 at 3.59.49 PMNothing, you think, but YOU’D BE WRONG.

According to Pinterest, VS Angels have EVERYTHING to do with Burning Man, though I can’t quite figure out why.

They’re wearing HUGE MOOPY PAIRS OF FEATHERED WINGS. There’s GLITTER AND SEQUINS all over their outfits. And I’m pretty sure not much on them is AUTHENTICALLY THEIRS (hello implants and plastic surgery).

Do over sexualized, hyper thin women with great hair and unique physiques really represent the festival of Burning Man?

I could no more represent a VS Angel than I could emulate a bear. It’s out of my realm of possibilities.

What does this pinning say about the image of the Burner Woman?

I’ve met many of them and they’re all beautiful but not represented by a VS Angel very well. They come in all shapes and sizes and colors. And as diverse as they are they all have one thing in common…. they can’t be defined by an archetype.

Maybe the pinning of VS Angels to Pinterest Burning Man boards says more about the pinner than it does about Burner Women. Maybe for the pinner, it’s about what the VS Angel represents – sexuality, beauty, and extremes, something Burner Women have in spades.

The last thing I can do is hold up an image of a VS Angel and expect it to inspire me to express myself more fully on the Playa or make me feel more beautiful.

That’s just not going to happen.

This, incidentally, is the most common Burning Man image I come across on Pinterest when doing any “Burning Man” search.

BMPersonally, I’ve struggled to find images of burner women in mainstream sources which truly represent what I hope will be my experience on the Playa. Where are my curvy ladies? Where are my thick girls? Can I get a plushie?

Regardless of what gets pinned to Pinterest, I’ll still be going to Burning Man. And I’ll still be bitching and moaning about the skinny bitches on Pinterest.

Cuz as you all know, I’m no Angel!