Weep!

michelleI finally had a good date.

He showed up in a polo and jeans and I was instantly attracted to him.

“Michelle?” he asked.

“Yes, hi,” I replied.

He sat down at my table. We were at the Jack Rose in Los Gatos on Thursday evening. The same place where I had my DISASTROUS “let-me-see-your-tits-better” date on Tuesday.

He instantly came off as sincere and respectful.

At first there was a bit of awkward silence.

We both scrambled to come up with something relevant to say.

The silence didn’t last long. Before I knew it we were chatting like old friends.

I asked him to tell me a secret. It’s a standard question I ask on dates. I like hearing the response to that question. I’ve heard everything from a drunk driving story to admission of a foot fetish.

He told me about his wilder younger days.

Then he asked me to tell him a secret.

Yay!

I admitted I liked going to nudist resorts like Lupin Lodge. But shhhhh! My parents don’t know.

My date was a consummate outdoorsman. He likes to fish and hunt. He drives a truck and owns a boat. He likes to camp and hike.

In essence, MY PERFECT MAN.

Yup, there’s only one problem. . .

I don’t think he liked me.

I’m not sure what gave me that impression.

Maybe because he didn’t kiss me goodnight.

Maybe because he didn’t mention another date.

But there you go.

I don’t expect to hear from him again.

Weep!

My date with Sam

Um… would it be bad of me to admit that I’m juggling 6 men?

Yeah, probably.

I’m pretty sure I’m being juggled by at least 3 of them.

I met a BUNCH of guys on Tinder.

All of a sudden my phone is BLOWING UP.

One is in Scotland, playing golf and looking for a distraction.

Another is in the area, working on movie projects and fun to sext.

Yet another can’t get over how beautiful I am (?) and sends me the most inspiring messages.

Then there’s my steady who actually visited me at my house the other night.

There’s also a new guy with a monobrow who I find strangely appealing.

And finally, there’s the ginger lumberjack who I’ve decided I’m ALREADY IN LOVE WITH.

Yeah. . . me and lumberjacks. I know.

Yesterday I got all dressed up to go out with my friends Will and Kat.

IMG_9456Then I got asked out by ANOTHER man. An Apple engineer.

Should I double up? Meet the engineer at a bar by my house then hook up with my friends later?

I know Murphy’s Law.

If I went out with the engineer, we’d be interrupted by my friends. If I didn’t go out with the engineer, my friends would run late and not be able to meet up with me before my bedtime.

Sigh.

I was right.

I wound up spending the night dressed up in a sexy black jumpsuit, sitting on my couch drinking scotch and watching Sam Heughan in Outlander.

Another lumberjack.

Maybe Sam Heughan can be my boyfriend. . .

sam2

Sometimes I’m a bitch

michelleSo I met Richard online via Tinder.

So far, I’ve only met one decent guy on Tinder but I KEEP TRYING.

It only took 4 text messages for Richard to ask me to move in with him.

I call BULLSHIT but whatever. Who am I to ignore a man who gets “lost in my eyes and captivated by my smile?”

I politely suggested coffee or a cocktail instead of moving in together.

I ask him why Tinder says he’s 7,794 miles away and he tells me that he was in Spain supervising a hotel building project there.

Oh really?

Is this the point in the conversation where the money hungry woman latches on to the man dangling wealth in front of her?

I didn’t take the bait.

In fact, I may have mocked him a bit.

“Let me guess. . . You work at a development company with diversified real estate holdings,” I reply.

Oh dear. Even I think I sound bitchy.

He comes back with “I own the company, actually.”

Of course he does.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

I’m pretty sure this guy is going to stop texting me anytime now.

But I can’t stop myself.

It’s like he’s a cliché and I’m trapped in a romance novel only I don’t believe a word of it.

Girl meets sexy, handsome, tall global jetsetter millionaire who falls in love with her eyes and smile and whisks her away on a whirlwind romantic tour of the world.

Yeah right!

God damn, I can be a bitch sometimes.

Lick my nose piercing?

So I met a man on Friday. We’ll call him Rob.

Rob was handsome, employed, and interested in me.

So Rob and I exchanged phone numbers and our conversation went a little like this:

Hi Michelle, it’s Rob.

Hi Rob.

[He sends a selfie and asks me to send one too so I send him this one – me, no makeup. Just to see what he thinks and you can follow the conversation from there:

FullSizeRender(12) FullSizeRender_1 FullSizeRender_2

 

Now I know this might sound hypocritical given how often I talk about sex on this blog, but when it’s the first thing out of the gate, I lose interest in it.

Yawn.

Nope. No thank you.

Maybe I like a challenge. Maybe I want to be the one who initiates. Maybe I want to be wooed a bit.

Whatever the reason, he got dropped the very next day:

“I think we’re looking for two different things. Good luck.”

And his reponse?

“Oh ok.”

Now I’m not going to pretend that I ALWAYS make the right decision, but sometimes, when all the signs are there, I can call it like I see it an GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE.

Just say yes

POFSo POF has this feature called “Meet Me” and it’s a lot like Tinder where you see a pic and you swipe right or swipe left depending on whether or not you like how they look.

Right now I have 1,489 pics to review and mark as “Yes,” “No,” or “Maybe.”

That’s a lot of pictures!

And I’m really annoyed that my cell phone flashes this number at me in a big red button, as if reminding me that I’m not doing my part to meet eligible men.

So periodically, I’ve been going into the POF app and marking the men “No” and “Maybe.”

Then I just got frustrated and started tapping “No” for everyone.

But then I figured that might be the wrong approach.

Maybe the right approach is to mark everyone “Yes” and see what comes of it.

I’m sure they get some notification that I’m interested. And if that drives them to read my profile and contact me then that’s progress, right?

So my new approach to dating is what I like to call “Just Say Yes.”

I’ll update you on how this goes, but so far, my inbox is exploding with emails, and they’re not all bad.

It’s definitely proving to be much more productive that clicking “No” all the time, without any consideration for the person behind the picture.

If I’m going to randomly click “Yes,” “No,” or “Maybe” in order to remove a 1,489 button that’s annoying me off my profile, then I might as well click “Yes” and see what happens.

So far, I’ve done it with 100 pictures. I intend to do 100 pictures a day just to see what happens.

I could get lucky!

I’m not single…

271168_10150221616158788_4805005_nI’m not single. I’m in a relationship with fun and freedom.

And here are a bunch of things that happen when you’re single, both amusing and terrifying.

  1. People try to set you up.
  2. You go on a blind date because your friend promised you that they aren’t setting you up with a psychopath.
  3. You go on a blind date with a psychopath.
  4. People ask you why you’re still single.
  5. You will download Tinder.
  6. You will be asked to join a bunch of threesomes via Tinder.
  7. You will go on a blind date from Tinder.
  8. You will vow never to go on another blind date.
  9. You will go on another blind date.
  10. You will get fed up and delete Tinder.
  11. You will go to a wedding and spend your time counting down the seconds until you can drink.
  12. The bride will throw he bouquet at you because, ha ha, you’re single.
  13. You’ll get on FB and see couples and engagement pics everywhere.
  14. You’ll see couples out in public and feel sad for a second.
  15. Then you’ll see them start to argue and you’ll think, “LOL… just kidding. Single is fine.”
  16. You’ll listen to a song and get all emo.
  17. Then your song will come on and you’ll realize you can dance with whomever the fuck you like. Bonus!
  18. You’ll spend Valentine’s Day alone, that cursed holiday.
  19. Your parents will express their concerns for you.
  20. You won’t make the minimum takeout order at your fav Chinese restaurant.
  21. You’ll get rejected at the fondue restaurant because fondue is for two.
  22. You’ll watch a rom com and cry.
  23. But then the movie will end and you’ll remember how badass and strong you are.