Dating (again)

Wow!

It has been a crazy week riding the roller coaster of American politics.

I’m just getting off the ride.

And what better way to celebrate being on solid ground again than to go out on a date.

A REAL date.

Yes, with someone I’ve met online.

But this guy hasn’t described his ideal woman as having no gag reflex.

Nor has he sent me dick pics or called himself “Mr. Hugecock.”

So he’s got a lot going for him right now.

He seems to be, dare I say it, a regular nice guy.

Which is EXACTLY what I’m looking for.

Also?

He doesn’t live in Sweden.

He lives here in the Bay area.

He’s employed at a BIG social media company.

He flies airplanes.

We meet at 8 pm today at my favorite bar, the Jack Rose.

I’m cautiously optimistic about this date.

It’s starting off on the right foot.

But you never know what’s going to happen when you go on a date you’ve only met online.

He could sweat profusely.

He could be racist.

Sexist.

Or, God forbid, a Trump supporter.

All deal breakers in my book.

Wish me luck!

My ridiculous vow of abstinence

michelleI know I said that I was going to go 90 days without sex, but I’m rethinking the wisdom of that.

It’s not that I CAN’T achieve my goal.

After all, I’m not even TRYING to go out on dates with anybody ever since the last fiasco where I met a. . . GASP. . . TRUMP SUPPORTER.

I know, I know!

It was BAD!

So there are no opportunities for me to break my vow of abstinence.

Currently.

However, I’ve noticed that my consumption of soft core porn has increased.

This is a sure sign that my hormones are trying to WAKE ME UP and GET ME MOVING.

I know that every time I watch the naked bare butt scene in P.S. I Love You, I’m looking to get my rocks off.

And when I break out Red Shoe Diaries, you can be sure I’m in the mood.

I was even so desperate, I watched 50 Shades of Grey.

You know you’re in bad shape when you watch that movie.

So I repeat myself – it’s not that I CAN’T achieve my goal, the question is more, WHY WOULD I WANT TO?

I spoke WAY too soon!

michelleDid I say I met someone?

Just kidding!

As it turns out, said individual turned out to be a TOTAL DISASTER.

Never has something that looked SO GOOD turned out SO BAD, except for perhaps New Coke and The Chevy Chase Show.

He failed on EPIC proportions.

To begin with, he is a staunch Donald Trump supporter.  Which in and of itself isn’t an end game, but it sure put me on alert that I was probably dealing with a misogynist.

Strike one.

Then he spent the ENTIRE time talking politics with me.  Even after I BEGGED him to discuss something else.

Strike two.

And finally, he ASKED me my bra size.

Now, this is something I don’t just advertise so him asking was a HUGE no-no.

When I refused to tell him he said, “That’s okay, I’ll just guess.”

Strike three, fucker!  You’re OUT!

I am modestly ashamed that I spent two weeks texting a man who turned out to be such a bum but I’ll just chalk it up to my optimism about meeting someone and leave it at that.

So. . .

. . .back to the drawing board.

Sigh.