The wonderful world of onesies

I’ve been invited to TWO Valentine’s Day Pub Crawls.

The first is on the Friday BEFORE Valentine’s Day.

The second is on Valentine’s Day itself.

For both crawls, I will be wearing a onesie.

You know, one of those full body pajamas you see on babies?

EXACTLY!

Now, you might ask why I chose to wear onesies, and it’s a simple answer:

Because one of the crawls is a ONESIE Pub Crawl.

So I’m wearing a rainbow unicorn onesie because I like rainbows and unicorns.

The other pub crawl is a VALENTINE themed pub crawl.

And since my latex dress outfit fell through, I decided to just pick up a Valentine onesie and wear that.

It’s simple and doesn’t require lots of accessorizing.

Between you and I, I happen to have FIVE onesies – the unicorn, the Valentine, a zebra, the Grinch, and Chewbacca.

It’s impossible to have JUST ONE ONESIE.

What I love about Valentine’s Day

I don’t 100% HATE Valentine’s Day.

Although I should.

There’s something about a day where you can tell people you love them that just tugs at my heart strings.

After all, I have two teenage boys whom I adore to pieces.

Always my babies.

And since they’re usually adverse to me hugging, kissing, and snuggling them, Valentine’s Day is a good day to GUILT TRIP them into letting me do it.

This year, I got them each a funny card:

And since Duncan’s hobby is gaming, I got him THIS shirt:

Which I think he has more than enough attitude to wear when he’s out and about.

Gavin, on the other hand, is the daddy to two parakeets – Ross and Smokey.

They are his pride and joy, to say the least.

So I got him this colorful parakeet tee shirt, which I think he will like.

As much effort as I put into training the boys to remember to get me cards or presents on holidays, I think that I will be forgotten this year.

I’m not expecting to get anything from them. . .

. . .unless I HOUND them.

And that’s a possibility since I’m doing a piss poor job of teaching them to remember their loved ones on special occasions.

Nobody loves me

Valentine’s Day is creeping up on me like a bad toe fungus and I find myself in the uncomfortable position once again of being single for a holiday that celebrates couplehood.

I can practically feel the bile rising in my throat when I think of all the sugary sweet sentiments that will be posted onto Facebook for couples celebrating being a couple.

It’s downright nauseating.

Of all the holidays, this is my LEAST favorite.

I can dress up for Halloween.

I can buy gifts for Christmas.

I can cook a ham for Easter.

Eat Mexican food on Cinco de Mayo.

All of these holidays are easy to participate in.

But not so much Valentine’s Day.

And there’s nothing I dislike more than feeling LEFT OUT.

But left out is what I am.

I am reminded of a song a gentleman sang for me in college:

“Nobody love me.

Nobody cares.

Nobody feeds me peaches and pears.”

So, you have been forewarned to expect quite a bit of sass out of me as this holiday approaches.

Because I’m sure as hell not pleased that (yet again) I must survive another fucking Valentine’s Day ALONE.

Thanks for the goddamn reminder!

Happy VD bitches!

av12Well, it’s finally here.

Valentine’s Day.

I’m going to celebrate with a few friends by drinking beer at a pizza parlor before I go home and crawl into bed with a glass of wine and Supernatural.

Yes, Jensen and Jared are my Valentines this V-Day.

Plus I have one snuggly teenage boy and one not-so-snuggly teenage boy I will pepper with kisses and hugs until they cry UNCLE.

Mom!  Please!

Happy Valentine’s Day y’all!

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Valentine’s Day and the shit storm of social media

michelleI’m bracing myself for it.

I know it’s going to come.

I’m going to log in to Facebook on February 14th and I’m going to be INUNDATED with people professing their love for one another.

It’s going to be a real shit storm.

Now, I’ve got to be honest.

When you coupled up people post how awesome your partner is and how much you love them on EVERY ANNIVERSARY, I throw up a little in my mouth.

Really?  Is that truly necessary?

Every fucking anniversary?

We get it.  You’re in love.

After all, you’re still together, right?

I just assume you think your partner is awesome and that you love them.  That’s the status quo folks.  You don’t need to post it.

It’s rather annoying, but O. K.

Then Valentine’s Day hits and my Facebook feed is filled with declarations of love and. . .

OMG, I puked a little just thinking about it.

You know what I want to hear?

I want to hear how much you love your partner when they give you their kidney when yours go bad.  Or when they stay up all night long watching over you because you are sick.  I want to hear that you love your partner when they drive 300 miles to pick you up because you got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere.  Or when they came and cleaned up your cat that got eaten by a coyote because you couldn’t bear to do it yourself.

But some trumped up, pink and red holiday sentiment just doesn’t do it for me.

Keep it real folks, that’s all I’m saying.

Just keep it real.

 

Valentine’s Day Links

michelleI do this every year.  I get a wee bit sentimental and I start imagining that a whole day dedicated to love is a great and wonderful idea that doesn’t make single people feel unwanted and unloved.

So I post these links:

15 Free Valentine’s Day Printables [LINK]

25 Nerdy Valentine’s Day Cards [LINK]

Personalized lingerie [LINK]

A cute puppy in a bow tie (awwww) [LINK]

Because I couldn’t do any better if I did it myself:  Epic lingerie 2016 ed. [LINK]

Chocolate cocktails – because let’s face it, all those red, berry sweet Valentine’s cocktails are just too gross for words [LINK]

100 Ways to be Kinder [LINK]

Valentine’s Day pins, via Pinterest [LINK] and [LINK]

27 Cute Things to write your Valentine [LINK]

Top Chick Flicks to watch for Valentine’s Day, by decade [LINK]

12 Aphrodisiac Foods to eat for Hotter Sex [LINK]

Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas for Her [LINK] for HIM [LINK] for your dog or cat [LINK]

DIY Heart Piñata [LINK]

Rewards that aren’t Food or Shopping [LINK]

 

 

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More Anti-Valentine’s Day ideas

I can’t tell you how HAPPY it makes me to embrace my bitterness and frustration and write these posts.

It’s cathartic!

I want to send all my single friends nasty little “VD sux” cards.

I want to wear a TOXIC LOVE sweatshirt to work with bitter little earrings and just wallow in anger and self-pity.

For once, I don’t want to be optimistic and positive and try to see my situation as temporary and enjoyable.

I just want to be mad.

Because on Valentine’s Day, being single SUCKS.

No one loves me.

Boo hoo!

av1The Boyfriend Pillow

 

av2Black Lollipops
av3Single AF Tank

 

av4Wine is my Valentine Glasses
av5Anti-VD Necklace

 

av6Anti-VD Earrings
av7Love is in the Air T-shirt

 

av8Happy Singles Awareness Day Card
av9Twat heart av10Cupcake Toppers

 

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Shitballs and crusty nuts!

I just realized that the next big holiday coming round the corner ready to brain me with hearts, red/pink flowers, chocolate, and saccharine sentiment is VALENTINE’S DAY.

Oh how I HATE Valentine’s Day!

A whole frigging day devoted to love and reminding me that I am single.

As if I need a reminder.

My whole existence is ONE BIG REMINDER that no one wants me.

Okay, that’s a lie.

Lots of people want me and love me, but no one who regularly climbs into bed with me and does the nasty with me.

When it comes to romantic love, I’m fresh out.

And that’s why I don’t need an entire day to remind me of that.

I have ALL THIS LOVE TO GIVE and NO PLACE TO PUT IT.

Sigh.

So, as typical for me, I intend to post my Anti-Valentine’s Day gifts – courtesy of etsy.com – so that you too can be bitter and angry like me.

Yet entertained.

So here it goes, Round #1 of Anti-Valentine’s Day sentiments:

av1Anti-Valentine’s Day Mug

 

av2Anti-Valentine’s Day Card
av3Broken Robot Heart Plushie

 

av4Vodka is my Valentine Tank
av5Black Hearted Soap

 

av6Anti-Valentine’s Day Necklace
av7Toxic Love Sweatshirt

 

av8Suck it Cupid Banner
av9Lighter Cases av10Anti-Valentine’s Day Fascinator

 

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Cupid’s Crawl: Posing with the bartender

To tell you the truth, I was more than a little surprised.

I went up to the bar like normal and ordered two beers – one for my friend and one for me – when the bartender asked me to come behind the bar.

He wanted to take a picture of me in costume.

I slid through the crowd and behind the bar.

The bartender handed his phone to a patron, laid his head on my…. ahem… breasts, and proceeded to wait for the picture to be taken.

Here’s a photo of us getting our photo taken.  Thank you Brad for the picture!

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Here are my other pictures from the night.

Enjoy!

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IMG_8787 IMG_8788

 

Cupid’s Crawl: Giving my heart(s) away

In retrospect, bringing glowing hearts necklaces and blinky heart pins to Cupid’s (Bar) Crawl in downtown Mountain View was one of the BEST IDEAS I’VE EVER HAD.

LED heart

 The event organizers planned and advertised the event well and a butt load of people showed up in Valentine’s gear to celebrate.

One guest sewed his own “Sweet Heart” pants – he was literally covered in sweet hearts from the waist down.  Another guest wore white wings and a red dress and looked every bit the lolita Cupid.  I think there was even a “Queen of Hearts” costume in there.

By and large, an incredibly creative crowd.

I got a ride to Krunch’s place.  I didn’t want to risk driving with a few beers in me.  I warned Krunch, “If you see a gin and tonic in my hand, SLAP IT AWAY!”

Here’s Krunch and I, waiting outside Molly Magees.

IMG_8786

Notice how I look so much taller than him?  Yes, that’s because I was wearing 8″ heels that LITERALLY HOBBLED ME by the end of the evening.

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You should’ve seen me trying to dance in those shoes, all the while my feet SCREAMING at me to CUT IT OUT!

So, I didn’t make it as long as I would have liked in the evening, but at least I left because I was hobbled, and not because I drank to much.

Folks, this is what I call PROGRESS!