Happy VD!

I had a WONDERFUL Valentine’s Day!

First of all I drove my mom to the airport so I had an early start to my Friday which meant when my office closed early for the holiday weekend, I got to start my weekend EVEN EARLIER!

Woot!

Many people sent me text messages wishing me a Happy Valentine’s Day.

I mean, how can you be SOUR when your friends and family pepper you with love?!

Then I took an uber to Campbell and I had a lovely dinner with Nadine before we commenced drinking and socializing with our friends for the Onesie Pub Crawl.

We hopped around from bar to bar and at each location, I drank a gin and tonic or two.

Round about 11 pm everyone headed to my least favorite spot In downtown Campbell so I called it a night and proceeded to head home.

Where I spent the next fee hours swiping right and left on Tinder.

Ah ha ha!

All in all, it truly was a lovely day and an even better evening.

I really had a blast watching people’s faces LIGHT UP when they spotted us in our crowd of onesies.

But the BEST part of the evening had to be when a firetruck filled with handsome firemen drove by me on the street and I caught the fireman on the rig smiling reflexively when they saw us.

Happy Valentine’s Day indeed!

Snark

I bought a cookie bouquet for my kids.

I wish there was an option to get Anti-Valentine’s Day cookies.

Cookies with messages like:

Meh

Nope

Go Away

Bite Me

Suck It

But sadly, it seems that love triumphs over disinterest and so I’m stuck with actually sending messages of love to my kids instead of snark.

Sigh.

I know they prefer snark.

Love Letters

This Valentine’s Day, I’m inspired to write love letters.

I know, I know, I HATE this holiday!

Why participate at all?

I guess on some level recognizing the love in my life resonates with me even if the holiday reminds me I’ve been single for fucking ever.

I was thinking this year I would write love letters to my family.

Tell them how much I love them and how much they mean to me.

Really personalize each letter.

Let my family and birth family know how much I love them.

Because they really are AMAZING people and I’m lucky to have them in my life.

And then I’d start in on my friends.

Because Lord knows that friends can be as close as family sometimes, if not closer.

I’ve got a lot of friends who support me who I’d like to send a love letter too.

What started me down this path, you ask?

Well I was on Facebook the other day watching people post public comments criticizing two people I love very much and I thought to myself that the only way to combat that kind of trash talk is to shower my friends and family with love.

And that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

Lingerie for Valentine’s Day

Despite my obvious hostility towards Valentine’s Day, I would never let the opportunity pass me to buy a little bit of lingerie.

Under my onesie for the Valentine’s Day Pub Crawl, should I wear:

1.  This hot little red number?

2.  This sexy black teddy?

3.  This SUPER sexy chemise?

4.  This blood red babydoll?

5.  Dunno what this is, but it’s hawt!

6.  This sultry number?

7.  An oxblood-colored nightdress (who needs sleep)?

8.  Red AND black, the best of both worlds?

9.  A strappy little black teddy with garters?

10.  Classic red and black bra, panties and matching garter belt?

11.  Nippies, and nothing else?

12. A heavenly little bohemian number?

What do you think I should wear (just in case I get lucky)?

Time to Party

Valentine’s Day is coming up and I’m going on a pub crawl with friends.

It’s a Table for Onesie Pub Crawl, so we will all be dressed up in unisex onesies.

I have seemingly a hundred onesies in my collection and I need to select one to wear that night.

I’m leaning towards my purple star onesie, basically because I love the idea of wearing my lavender wig.

But also, a rainbow unicorn would be nice.

I’m planning on taking an uber to and from the pub crawl so I can drink without worrying about getting a DUI.

Nothing like hoping into an uber in a big purple star onesie and a lavender wig to say “it’s time to PARRRRRTY!”

Nobody loves me

Valentine’s Day is creeping up on me like a bad toe fungus and I find myself in the uncomfortable position once again of being single for a holiday that celebrates couplehood.

I can practically feel the bile rising in my throat when I think of all the sugary sweet sentiments that will be posted onto Facebook for couples celebrating being a couple.

It’s downright nauseating.

Of all the holidays, this is my LEAST favorite.

I can dress up for Halloween.

I can buy gifts for Christmas.

I can cook a ham for Easter.

Eat Mexican food on Cinco de Mayo.

All of these holidays are easy to participate in.

But not so much Valentine’s Day.

And there’s nothing I dislike more than feeling LEFT OUT.

But left out is what I am.

I am reminded of a song a gentleman sang for me in college:

“Nobody love me.

Nobody cares.

Nobody feeds me peaches and pears.”

So, you have been forewarned to expect quite a bit of sass out of me as this holiday approaches.

Because I’m sure as hell not pleased that (yet again) I must survive another fucking Valentine’s Day ALONE.

Thanks for the goddamn reminder!

Boom!

I heard from The Swede!

Yes, it’s been weeks since we communicated and I was getting used to the silence when all of a sudden, WHAM!

He messaged me.

As it turns out, since Sweden is 9 hours ahead of California time-wise, it was Valentine’s Day in Sweden and so The Swede wished me a Happy Valentine’s Day.

Bold move, considering I posted for almost a week about how much I “hate” this holiday.

Truth is I don’t HATE this holiday, I HATE being single for this holiday.

It’s just another reminder that I am alone and unloved by a partner.

Great.  Just great.

I need a reminder of this like I need another hole in my head.

But they say, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

So I’m making the best of my situation and hanging with my family.

Honestly, time spent with loved ones is what this holiday should be all about – just like Thanksgiving and Christmas.

So I’m setting my supreme bitterness aside.

Despite the fact that smug coupled up people are posting right and left on Facebook to declare their undying love for their partners.

Really?

Must you?

You know what I want to post to Facebook?

Wanna know what I’m doing for Valentine’s Day?

Whatever I want.  I’m single!

Boom!

Just another way to bleed

I’ve got 10 events in 10 days at work so I’m reposting some old content I find funny.  New content will resume on February 6th.

Reposted from 2015:

 

I’ve been thinking about Anti-Valentine’s Day and how it seems like a lot more fun than Valentine’s Day.

I took the liberty of putting together some swag for Anti-Valentine’s Day which I found incredibly entertaining.

Hope you enjoy…

 

image image

And of course what kind of holiday would it be if you didn’t have a glass to toast with?

imageBecause drinking is par for the course on Anti-Valentine’s Day.

imageBut don’t be too hard on yourself. Indulge in a little self love.

image Because don’t forget a little bitterness is in order.

image image
image image

And remember, you’re one bad ass bitch.

imageSo embrace your inner witch.

imageA broken heart isn’t the end of the world.

imageSo don’t go playing with one of these

imageAnd if all else fails…

imageHappy Fucking Valentine’s Day to you.

image“Love sucks. Sometimes it feels good. Sometimes it’s just another way to bleed” ~ Laurell Hamilton

Giving my heart away

I’ve got 10 events in 10 days at work so I’m reposting some old content I find funny.  New content will resume on February 6th.

Reposted from 2016:

 

In retrospect, bringing glowing hearts necklaces and blinky heart pins to Cupid’s (Bar) Crawl in downtown Mountain View was one of the BEST IDEAS I’VE EVER HAD.

LED heart

The event organizers planned and advertised the event well and a butt load of people showed up in Valentine’s gear to celebrate.

One guest sewed his own “Sweet Heart” pants – he was literally covered in sweet hearts from the waist down.  Another guest wore white wings and a red dress and looked every bit the Lolita Cupid.  I think there was even a “Queen of Hearts” costume in there.

By and large, an incredibly creative crowd.

I got a ride to Krunch’s place.  I didn’t want to risk driving with a few beers in me.  I warned Krunch, “If you see a gin and tonic in my hand, SLAP IT AWAY!”

Here’s Krunch and I, waiting outside Molly Magees.

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Notice how I look so much taller than him?  Yes, that’s because I was wearing 8″ heels that LITERALLY HOBBLED ME by the end of the evening.

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You should’ve seen me trying to dance in those shoes, all the while my feet SCREAMING at me to CUT IT OUT!

So, I didn’t make it as long as I would have liked in the evening, but at least I left because I was hobbled, and not because I drank to much.

Folks, this is what I call PROGRESS!

Valentine’s Day and the shit storm of social media

michelleI’ve got 10 events in 10 days at work so I’m reposting some old content I find funny.  New content will resume on February 6th.

Reposted from 2017:

 

I’m bracing myself for it.

I know it’s going to come.

I’m going to log in to Facebook on February 14th and I’m going to be INUNDATED with people professing their love for their partners.

It’s going to be a real shit storm.

Now, I’ve got to be honest.

When you coupled-up people post how awesome your partner is and how much you love them on EVERY ANNIVERSARY, I throw up a little in my mouth.

Really?  Is that truly necessary?

Every fucking anniversary?

We get it.  You’re in love.

After all, you’re still together, right?

I just assume you think your partner is awesome and that you love them.  That’s the status quo folks.  You don’t need to post it.

It’s rather annoying, but okay.

Then Valentine’s Day hits and my Facebook feed is filled with declarations of love and. . .

OMG, can’t you just NOT!

You know what I want to hear?

I want to hear how much you love your partner when they give you their kidney when yours go bad.  Or when they stay up all night long watching over you because you are sick.  I want to hear that you love your partner when they drive 300 miles to pick you up because you got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere.  Or when they came and cleaned up your cat that got eaten by a coyote because you couldn’t bear to do it yourself.

But some trumped up, pink and red holiday sentiment just doesn’t do it for me.

Keep it real folks, that’s all I’m saying.

Just keep it real.