Being myself

There I was, texting several men, when all of a sudden I came to a realization.

I’m kinky.

This may not be any big revelation to you, but to me it was.

I was talking about going to naturist resorts and was trying to explain to this guy that it’s all quite normal.

Then I realized it’s not.

It’s abnormal.

I mean, sure it’s natural and all, but most people do not go to nude resorts to decompress.

I keep looking for NORMAL men when really what I need to do is look for open-minded, preferably kinky men.

Not breastfeeding-kinky, mind you.

Not heavy duty 24/7 dark play.

More like capable of a little dark play.

And definitely capable of topping me because let’s face it, when I’m left in charge, things go sideways.

Hence, unblunder.

I’m not suitable for vanilla men.

Not quite full kinkster men.

What to do?

Rocky Road

No, I’m not talking about the Rubicon Trail.

I’m talking about the ice cream..

Let me use it in a sentence:

I wouldn’t call me vanilla. I’m more like rocky road.

Let’s just say I’ve had a few nuts in me.

Yuck, yuck, yuck!

I’m not sure where I first heard the term “vanilla.”

It must’ve been my “Wrong Man” boyfriend.

It’s usually said in hushed whispers by non-vanilla folks.

As in, “I’m throwing a party but a bunch of my vanilla friends are coming so no play.”

Or, “I want to set you up with a friend of mine.  He’s non-vanilla so you can have fun with him.”

Something like that.

Me, personally?

I’m not vanilla anymore; I’m more like rocky road.

I’m still a wholesome creamy treat but I’ve also got a few nuts and smushmallows in me to make it a little more exciting.

Who likes rocky road?

The Wrong Man

I’m not going to say every man I dated has been The Wrong Man.

Obviously it didn’t work out with any of them and therefore I could categorize them all that way.

But one in particular takes the cake.

The one who took me from a 35 year old vanilla divorcée and turned me into something a little bit more worldly.

Okay, something A LOT more worldly.

I’ve made peace with him, after a long period of silence.

I actually thanked him for pushing me outside my comfort zone so that I could grow as a person.

In some ways, I miss who I was.

That vanilla woman who didn’t know a thing about social nudity, BDSM, etc.

Those were the easy days when life was a little less complicated.

When I thought I knew the rules that would guide me to a long and fulfilling life.

Occasionally, I question whether my relationship with him was a TOXIC relationship.

In the end, I can only conclude that it was a DEAD-END relationship, as in the relationship was destined to run its course and end in a flurry of tears (mine) and disappointment (his).

Although, there was that one day when he proposed. . .

In the 10 years since the relationship ended I’ve moved on, struggling from time to time to incorporate what I experienced with the person I want to be.

Struggling to be a non-vanilla woman in the mainstream world.

And I have him to thank for it.

Giving up vanilla

Vanilla guys just aren’t working out for me.

I’ve tried SO MANY TIMES to find someone who fits using Match and POF but NO LUCK.

Granted, I have an UNUSUAL lifestyle.

I go to Burning Man.

I hug and kiss all my friends.

I even get naked with them (HELLO BARE BURN).

It’s not easy to find someone who can accept these quirks.

You kind of need to be a little bit of a freak yourself to fit in with me.

Mainstream just doesn’t cut it.

Neither does religious.

And don’t get me started on CONSERVATIVES.

I am a liberal, agnostic burner with poly tendencies.

And so I am wondering if perhaps I’m fishing in the wrong pond when I use Match and POF.

Are there others, you wonder?

Why yes, there are.

I could try Lifestyle Lounge, SLS, or Kasidie.

I’ve always thought the idea of getting online just to hookup is sort of useless.

Because I really want to meet someone and fall in love.

But the more I date, the more I realize that I’ve been ruined for vanilla men.

And I’m a bit of a poly kinkster, a BIG FLIRT and a VERY OPEN-MINDED WOMAN.

Sweet but twisted

MichelleIn the last decade, I’ve been exposed to some “fringe” ideas.

Not surprisingly, attending Burning Man introduced me to many new things including people who embrace a poly lifestyle.

Believe you me, you don’t know what it’s like to see someone celebrate her boyfriend’s birthday with her husband in tow, but it’s a little bit of a mind blower!

And it’s all kosher.

If a little out of the mainstream.

Then there’s the kink.

I’ve become familiar with role play, ropes, and kinky stuff I’m not willing to admit to on this blog.

It’s enough to make me less-than-vanilla but not a full blown kinkster.

I think life would be easier if I was fully vanilla or fully kinky.

But this in between stage is awkward.

Since I’m looking for a monogamous relationship, which leans more to the vanilla side of things, I wonder what potential mates will think of my poly and kinky friends.

So I guess I need to find someone flexible, open-minded, and semi kinky, just like me!

Easy peasy.