No HARD feelings

imageToday I’d like to discuss something very serious.

Something that impacts sex lives everywhere.

Yes today friends we’re going to discuss IMPOTENCE.

It used to be that every time I tried to get some action, action materialized in the form of a nice, hard unit and it TOOK CARE OF BUSINESS (except for that unfortunate incident of whiskey dick at UCSB).

That was in my 20’s and 30’s.

In my 40’s however it’s a different story.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

And there’s no predicting it.

Men who you’d think would have trouble, get it up just fine. And men who you’d think have no trouble just can’t seem to get a rise out of it.

Take The Hunk, for instance.

Tall, fit, and sexy, you’d think his unit would work just fine.

But you’d be WRONG!

And it just makes me think that perhaps IT’S TIME TO WARN A GIRL THAT IT MIGHT NOT WORK.

You know, just to frame that night’s activities properly and to prepare her for a possible change in plans.

That way if it DOES work then kudos to her. She’ll feel sexy and accomplished for helping him get it up so they can get it on.

I have to believe that men who have this problem know about it.

If it were me, I’d be running to the urologist for my Viagra-Cialis cocktail/IV drip.

Since men don’t like to admit their liftage problems, I’ve developed a couple of tests to determine if in fact you’re dealing with a flaccid problem:

  1. You kiss and when you grope his crotch, nothing is hard.
  2. You straddle his waist but nothing rises to the occasion.
  3. You go down on him and find nothing but a softie.
  4. You GO DOWN ON HIM FOR 20 MINUTES and still find a softie. True story.
  5. No matter what you do, he never gets hard.  Also true story.

That’s your clue. Nothing gets hard. Or it gets hard then fades away quickly. Doesn’t bode well for bedroom activity.

And just so you don’t think I’m a total heartless bitch, let me point out that impotence can be a sign of serious medical illness so don’t ignore it, SEE YOUR DOCTOR.

In closing, I would like to say that I think honesty and full-disclosure is the best policy. Intimacy can be achieved many ways and not all of them involve penetration (although the best ones usually do).

Full disclosure just allows you to get creative with your bedroom skills and makes sure that there are NO HARD FEELINGS!