The vibrator to end them all

You can take the girl out of Catholic school but you can’t take the Catholic school out of the girl.

Or something like that.

At unSCruz, there was one itty bitty contraption that mesmerized me.

A standing vibrator.

Yes, you heard me right – A STANDING VIBRATOR.

Just along the side of the walkway, as I live and breathe.

I went in to get a closer look.

There was a fully clothed woman on it, and she and an “operator” were fine-tuning the vibrations.

It was wild to see it.

Now, I’ve heard about this vibrator before.

It has something of a reputation you see.

Apparently, it massages EVERYTHING.

And, given enough time, will result in an extraordinary climax.

Half of me wanted to try it.

Simply so I could report back and let you know what I thought of it.

But truthfully, it was always being used, so I never got a chance to ride it.

It was quite popular!

The other half of me thought, “Shouldn’t this be in a tent or something?”

It’s the Catholic girl in me who was shy about having a screaming orgasm where everyone could see.

Nevertheless, if I find it on playa I will have to test it out. . . because I’m curious like that.

Despite my Catholic sensibilities.

Sexual Bucket List

Check out this sexual bucket list 50 Things to Try Sexually Before You Die.  The idea of having a sexual bucket list intrigues me It’s something I talked about with Austin, right before we checked something fun off my sexual bucket list. I’m no novice when it comes to experimenting in bed. I have a tame pre-marriage history but a wild history post-divorce. Turns out, I’ve tried almost everything on the list. So to save you time, I’ve pared down the list down to what’s worth it and what’s not.

Use a vibrator – Um, there are still people who don’t own one? Women! Get on the vibrator bus — if you’re not comfortable taking care of business alone (gasp), involve your partner. No straight man would say no to that kind of show.

Have sex in a car – Car sex can get a bit crowded, if not positioned properly. Recline that seat. If you’re self-conscious, pull into the garage and do it there.

Be tied up and tie someone up – Don’t be a sissy when it comes to getting tied. Tie like you want it to last. A blindfold can help calm nerves. Trust me. For more advanced moves, tie your partner down or let your partner tie you down. Hot. Sexy.

Read erotica – 50 Shades of Gray is crap. Read The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by Ann Rice..

The mile-high club – Airline bathrooms don’t make me feel sexy. Unless it’s a private jet. I just don’t get this one.

Play strip war (the card game) – Strip war is for people who value their time and don’t have all night to get naked. Strip war gets the job done in a fraction of the time.

Learn to give yourself multiple orgasms – I’ve never been a multiple kind of woman. I’m perfectly happy getting quality over quantity. But knowing that there are women who are completely and physically able to orgasm multiple times, I’m willing to try to teach my body how to pop off 4 or 5 in a session.

Sex in the shower/standing up against a wall – The only man who ever successfully screwed me up against a wall was my ex Steve, who has a 56 inch chest. Showers can by fun, just keeps your wits about you since they are not just hot but slippery as well.

Sex on the beach… – Sand in your folds? Duh.

Whipped Cream – If you want to smell like cow farts, use real dairy whipped cream. It also turns into a puddle when it come in contact with body heat. I suggest Pixi Stix as a delicious and non-puddling alternative? It may still be sticky but at least it’s not stinky.

La Perla lingerie sex – If I spend $200 for lingerie, you’re not taking it off my body. All you can do is stare at me until your eyeballs fall out because let me reiterate: $200 for fancy knickers!

Frederick’s of Hollywood lingerie sex – Frederick’s is the slutty little sister to La Perla. I think we can all agree that if we put both lingerie options side by side, most people would choose the $14 crotchless panty sex over the $200 please-don’t-rip-the-fabric sex.

Feather Ticklers – QUICK, LOCK THE CAT OUT OF THE BEDROOM. Ouch.

Down and Dirty Sex Tips

Have sex on a timer. Give yourself 20 minutes to an hour where you can’t have sex. Force yourselves to have foreplay until the timer goes off.

Wear your socks. Research shows that keeping your socks on during sex helps regulate body temperature, which makes you more comfortable and easier to orgasm. Keep a pair of socks around just for sex.

Add a pillow. A pillow can modify most positions by slightly altering the angle of penetration, and that can make a huge difference.

Use a tie. Modify a regular position by tying your hands behind your back, above your head, or to the bed. Or use a blindfold. Limiting mobility or covering your eyes and giving control to your partner can make an old position feel totally new. It’s like the tequila shot of sex modifiers.

Toss in your vibrator. Use your vibrator externally while he’s inside you can make even boring old missionary awesome. And you can use it on your partner. Don’t start sticking it into holes without asking. Try holding it against his balls to produce some surprising results (spoiler alert: it will make him come).

Tell him to edge. Edging sounds like something only cool kids do but it’s really the act of stopping sex right before the point of orgasm to cool off a bit before starting up again. Holding off from orgasm can make the eventual release much more intense.

Kiss while you come. This is how people make love and stuff. Kissing during orgasm adds emotional intensity, like you can almost feel your partner’s orgasm coursing through you.

Do it outside the bedroom. Do it in the shower, on the couch, on the kitchen table, on lying on the floor. A change of scenery makes for a surprising rush.

Throw in some pre-approved anal play. People forget about the butt (which has as many nerve endings as the penis ~ 4,000). A little anal stimulation goes a long way. Stimulating the uh, entrance can be enough to intensify sex (for both genders). You don’t need to stick anything up there, just move your finger around like you’re trying to make that humming noise that happens when you stroke a wineglass. Just be sure you ask first. People are sensitive about their butts.

What I learned in blow job class

bj4I do these things so you don’t have to. although you should.  My blow job class was like a stand up comedy routine performed by the sexy and brilliant Chrystal Bougon of Curvy Girl Lingerie fame.

Her presentation was so full of information I had to take notes.  And boy did I take notes!

The evening began with a room full of 50+ sexy women and a table full of liquor and wine.  I opted for peach vodka and mango juice.  Very sweet but effective.

The class started with two Sedusa Studio performances by students which were amazing, hot, sexy, and smokin’.  No pics allowed 😦

Then Blow Job 102 began.  Because hopefully we’ve all taken Blow Job 101.

We learned about how to give a gourmet and an efficient blow job, the difference between the two being how earnestly you work at trying to make him cum.  But for blogging purposes, I’ll focus on the gourmet blow job.

Penises, we learned, are idiot proof.  They all work the same.  So all the techniques we were learning were transferrable.

The key to a great blow job is enthusiasm.  It’s everyone’s favorite technique.

In no particular order, some of Chrystal’s recommendations were:

  1. Be enthusiastic.
  2. The seam between the balls is super sensitive. Don’t neglect it.
  3. Try melon balling (titty fucking) first.
  4. Use a bullet vibrator on your cheek while giving a blow job.
  5. Hum.
  6. Pay attention to the ABC (ass ball connector aka the taint)
  7. Put your finger one knuckle deep up his butt but do not surprise him with the technique.  There is no surprise anal. {FYI, the penis has about 4,000 nerve endings.  The clitoris has 8,000.  If you add anal play, you have an additional 6,000 nerve endings to play with.  Hence the heightened sensation.]
  8. Make eye contact but don’t give him crazy eyes.
  9. Cross your eyes to relax your throat to deep throat.
  10. Squeeze the thumb on your left hand to deep throat (this actually seemed to work).
  11. Use a throat numbing spray like Comfortable Numb to numb the back of your throat to deep throat.
  12. Put your hair up using your panties/g-string.
  13. Try face fucking (laying on your back with your head off the bed).  It’s a great angle for giving a blow job.
  14. Have him use a remote control vibrator on you while you’re servicing him.  It’ll prep you for later.
  15. Learn to use a cock ring.
  16. Go down on him without touching it (a faux bj) for a little while.  It’ll drive him crazy.
  17. Hot water/cold water.
  18. Use your lips like a cock ring.
  19. Put the cock ring around the balls too.
  20. Try Pop Rocks but make sure they don’t get in the vagina (this was more an audience suggestion).
  21. Give your blow jobs sexy names like “sexy porn star blow job.”
  22. Stroke in one direction with your hand, up or down.
  23. State your expectations for the blow job such as “I don’t want to have sex tonight.  I just want to go down on you for 30 minutes,” or “I want to give you a super sloppy porn star blow job.”  He’ll enjoy the expectations.

My take away from all this was:

  • I need more toys.
  • Creativity is everything.
  • Communication is key.

All in all, it was a wicked fun evening and I enjoyed myself thoroughly.  I’m posting a few pics to show what a great time I had.

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10 Favorite sex toys

I HIGHLY recommend all of these for use in the bedroom.  Some are standard issue sex toys and others are a little more out there.  But they’re all pretty tame as far as toys go.  I’ve seen much worse.

A sharpie.  Because it’s fun to write on each other’s naked body.  It’s also fun to try to keep the writing under covers as it fades.  Nothing like spotting your lover’s mark on your body to turn you on and make you want it all over again.

Feather whips.  They don’t hurt, they just wake up the nerves in your body and make them sing.

Nipple clamps.  Lots of sensation.  Only painful if you want it that way.  ‘Nuff said.

jimmyjane Massage Oil Candle.  Oh la la!  In Bourbon, Cucumber Water, Dark Vanilla, and Pink Lotus.  All yum and especially fun with a partner.  No worries about getting burnt though,  the candle are low temperature melting candles.  The oil pours out in a lovely warm stream.

Vibrating cock ring.  Because, you know, there’s nothing like a nubby little button on your nubby little button.  Done.

Sensory Wheel.  Don’t worry, it only looks like it’ll poke a million holes in you.  Spread you with seeds and water and you’ll become a Chia Pet.  Not so.  This little device is great at waking up your skin and delivering delicious sensation.  Don’t believe me?  Try it.

The innie-outie couples massager.  I’m not sure what to say about this without being terribly explicit.  Since I’m sure you don’t want to hear how many orgasms I’ve had with this device let me just say this – it’s meant to be worn during intercourse.  And it’s AWESOME!

Personal massager.  Works great.  Tiny and discreet with a super quiet motor.  This is the one to take in your purse when you’re traveling.  You’ll want TSA to frisk you just so you can show it off.

5The Rabbit.  What can I say about the rabbit that hasn’t already been said.  It’s a whopper of a vibrator but really gets the job done with rotating beads, a swirling tip, and a vibrating bunny with strategically placed ears.  Yum!

A dildo.  Go old school with a standard issue dildo.  Or go with the non-standard issue.  I’m partial to black dildos because they make me feel wicked, but they come in all colors, shapes and sizes – kinda like the men out there.  Choose wisely, this will be your boyfriend longer than your relationships.