Nope

It’s not what you’re thinking.

I’m not going to tell another story about some guy’s tacky advances on Tinder.

No.

Or mention again that I got ghosted by the last guy I dated.

Instead I’m going to share with you that I got a little action last weekend.

Indeed.

It’s been months since that happened and I was happy to break my abstinence streak, or so I thought.

Turns out, when you haven’t done the deed for a while, things down there aren’t as robust as they normally are.

And vigorous activity can lead to some discomfort.

I spent the night at a friend’s house.

I’m not one to turn down ANOTHER romp in the hay but let me tell you, it is possible to DO IT TOO MUCH.

And then you have to stop.

Briefly, I thought, “Well, MAYBE I can sneak in another session without my nethers screaming too loudly at me that it hurts. . . “

But no, I must inform you that there are times in a woman’s life when her vagina must exert dominance over her libido with a loud and resounding, “NOPE!”

3 beers + 3 gin martinis = one drunk Michelle

The most notable part about my weekend this past weekend is that I got smashed. Trashed. Blottoed. Is that even a word?

I didn’t intend to and I blame the fact that I switched from drinking beer to drinking gin about halfway through the night.

But let’s start at the beginning.

I decided to attend my first Santacon – a party where a group of people get dressed like Santa in festive holiday attire and go en mass from one pub to the next bringing holiday spirit and cheer while consuming alcoholic beverages.  I put together an appropriate outfit – black boots, fishnet tights, white tutu, red velvet corset with white maribou feather trim, and of course a Santa hat.

IMG_8478Our path was all laid out – first we went to Aloft Bar, then Whole Foods (who were INCREDIBLY HOSPITABLE), followed by The Monte Vista Inn, and finally landing at The Blue Pheasant.

Everyone was dressed up in various Santa garb. My favorite was a duo – a flattened grandma and the reindeer who ran her over. Perfect! Love everyone’s creativity!

I got run over by the reindeer myself… note the hoof print on my chest!

IMG_8484At Paul & Eddie’s, I switched from drinking beer to drinking 4 olive gin martinis.

And that’s what did me in.

By the time we got to The Blue Pheasant, I was incapable of using my phone to arrange for a Lyft so I had to get a ride home from a nice gentleman who was kind enough to offer me a ride.

And then I was too drunk to give him directions.

He had to use an app to get me home.

Sigh.

I’m really embarrassed to say that I actually remember farting in his car on the ride home.

HUMILIATION!!!

Jesus, was I DRUNK!

So lesson learned: Santacon is a marathon, not a sprint.

Drink accordingly!

I Fell in Love Three Times This Weekend

First, a scholar visiting my work for an academic conference. And a lumberjack, complete with full red beard.

I “had” to give him a ride to his hotel.

He told me his life mottos was “Enjoy every moment” and I thought, “Wow, this is the man for me.”

Just like that, I fell in love.

Sadly, right after that he talked about his wife.

So I have a snowballs chance in hell with him.

Pitter patter my broken heart.

Second, the caterer who staffed my dinner reception on Saturday night.

We hit it off an were bantering back and forth for most of the evening.

He was bright, funny, and handsome.  And he was a lumberjack.

As I was leaving, he came up to me, shook my hand and expressed regret that the two of us couldn’t go out for a drink.

But he didn’t ask for my number.

Pitter patter my broken heart.

Third, I went to a Pleasure Party for my girl Melissa and saw my girl crush there.

Yes, I have a girl crush.

She looked sexy as always and good enough to eat.

The way she talks about football gets my blood flowing.

So I chatted with her about all things pleasurable and inwardly thrilled at her every word.

She admitted she falls for straight girls but is reforming her ways.

Pitter patter my broken heart.

But there you have it, I fell in love three times in one weekend and had my heart broken every time.

Oh l’amour…

Memorial Day Synopsis

For Memorial Day weekend, my boys and I took a trip to Reno to visit my sister.

We endured a late night bumpy flight into Reno-Tahoe Airport. I slept through the flight. Or I tried to. Munchkins kept taking my photo.

Back on the ground my sons posed for a rare picture of brotherly love.

We had a great time at Auntie Lisa’s and the boys posed for a picture with her.

Then Duncan went and jumped off my sister’s second story balcony and you can see the results here.

The good news is that we went in the hot tub. The bad news is that I didn’t get naked. But I did take some pics for the blog

 

 

Sorry, but that’s about as exotic as it got this weekend.

A few funny things happened this weekend…. I mistook a tree stump for a dead cow. Now my boys point at tree stumps and say, “Look Mom…. a dead cow.” Ha ha ha.

Also, there were some spots of snow on the mountain and I, like an idiot thinking all the snow had melted, asked, “Is that cement?” You can only imagine the teasing I got over that one. Something tells me I’ll never live this down, I’m afraid.

Despite my blond moments, which are probably more indicative of me needing glasses than anything else, it was a fun vacation. All except for when my sister discovered gray (well, white) hair on my head.

Gasp! I am officially middle aged!

Happy Memorial Day

Happy Memorial Day weekend everyone!

I’ve decided to take a little trip with my boys to visit my sister Lisa in Reno.

Now if you need to know anything about Lisa’s place, it’s this – the cats rule the house, the food is always superb, the drinks are plentiful, and… she has a hot tub.

It’s a PRIVATE, CLOTHING-OPTIONAL HOT TUB!

Only since my boys will be there I’ll be wearing my new bathing suit.

Nice monokini, eh? I love the little fringe. It’s brand new and I’m excited to wear it for the first time. Even though there’s really not much better than soaking in Lisa’s hot tub with an ice cold beverage and no bathing suit on, I think I can live with wearing this suite. I will have to take pictures.

Lisa and I are planning to have a lot of fun with the boys. Some of the activities on tap are horseback tours of the Nevada desert, outdoor rock wall climbing, go karting, a sailing tour of Emerald Bay, rafting the Truckee River, and ziplining.

We will also have to hit the Grand Sierra’s seafood buffet. Nothing like all-you-can-eat snow crab legs.

And… we get to celebrate my sister’s birthday on May 25th! She’ll be 39… again! Just to give my big sis a shout out on my blog (which she doesn’t read because she thinks it’s trashy)

I love you sissie!