Things that SEEM sexy but aren’t IRL

  1. Wings – inspired by Drew Barrymore’s character in Ever After, I wore wings and a ballgown to a wedding imagining I’d look like a beautiful angel. Reality set in when I was unable to move for fear of wacking people with those “beautiful” wings. Not my most brilliant idea.
  2. Latex knickers – I tried these out once. Getting them on and off is a chore. Worse yet, you get dressed and undressed to a chorus of latex farts. Imagine rubbing two balloons together. Definitely NOT sexy.
  3. Glitter – oh glitter, how I love to hate you. You definitely make me think I look beautiful when I wear you but you hang around for fucking forever! No wonder you’re called PLAYA HERPES!
  4. Pasties – looks sexy, huh? Not so much when you have to take them off and the top three layers of your skin is removed with them. So. Not. Sexy.
  5. Man buns – all well and good until you realize your man has a more EXTENSIVE hair care regime than you. Hard pass!
  6. No undies – there’s a reason we’re supposed to wear underwear. There’s moisture that accumulates that needs to be ABSORBED. Without underwear it’s like a hot sauna in Thailand between your legs and smells similar.
  7. Shower sex – trust me, I just tried this and my memories of it were nicer than the reality. Not gonna lie here, it was AWKWARD AF!
  8. Lip gloss – oh you make my lips look so sexy but the moment I kiss someone and it transfers to them I realize what a sticky mess lip gloss truly is.
  9. Sex on the beach – not the drink, actual SEX on the BEACH. One word for you. Sand. Enough said.
  10. Chocolate body paint – pretty much anything edible you put on your body to entice your lover to dine there is gonna make a sticky mess. I did this once to my ex-husband and REGRETTED IT INSTANTLY WHEN HE WAS LATE SHOWING UP FROM WORK AND CHOCOLATE SAUCE DRIPPED INTO MY ARMPITS. It’s the things you never think about. . .

My Quinceañera

I have occasion to attend a Labyrinth themed wedding.

And there’s one thing you must know. . .

I LOVE LAYRINTH!

The muppets.

The music.

The costumes.

And ESPECIALLY David Bowie.

So the idea of someone throwing a Labyrinth themed wedding is PERFECT and really got my creative juices flowing.

First thing, I need a ballgown.

Not an evening gown, mind you, but an honest to goodness, full skirted ballgown!

After looking online for a while, I realized that the best inexpensive ballgowns out there are quinceañera dresses.

I can’t even PRONOUNCE quinceañera, but I love the dreaminess of the dresses!

I found a lovely quinceañera dress online in about a zillion colors and I decided to go with a nice grape purple.

Isn’t it lovely?

Of course, taking inspiration from the movie, I’ve decided to accessorize it with a matching masquerade ball mask and silver wings.

Done.

And done.

So there you have it.

Another outfit crafted by moi for a wonderful celebratory event!

Color me happy (or purple)!

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I heart etsy

It may come as no surprise to you that I am a BIG fan of etsy.  Huge!

With all the burner activities and parties that come up, etsy is my go-to resource for costumes and extras.  Check out some of my favorites below:

UV Reactive leggings.  If I was a flow artist, I’d be all over these…

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Again, with the UV reactive Cyberlox.  Awesome and full of color.

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Mermaid hair falls.  I love these, but at $395 they’re out of my price range.etsy3

Ear cuff.  Totally gorgeous.  Would love to wear this to a festival.  Not Burning Man safe (feathers are MOOP).etsy4

I love these earrings because they have a bit of everything thrown into them.etsy5

Rhinestone ribbon trim.  For my hat.etsy6

Rainbow tutu with 60 LED lights.  I bought this, I just couldn’t pass it up.etsy7

Wings.  And pretty reasonable priced ones for what they are.

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An awesome spring wig.  Because someone is going to throw a French Renaissance party and I can’t wait to look like Marie Antionette.  We share the same birthday!

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Wha!  Dude, this is AWESOME!  A pirate hat with a pirate ship ON IT!

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So you know, if you’re looking for something unique and special, there’s no better place to go than etsy.  I swear the most creative artists get online there to sell their crafts and it’s mind-boggling how incredibly talented they are.

If you’re limited only by your imagination, then these artists are SOARING!

Fluff my wings, please…

wingsFluff my wings, please…

I’ll admit, it’s a strange request.

And my son just stared at me for a few seconds before I decided to turn sideways and show him the little collapsed wings I was wearing on my back.

“Fluff my wings, please,” I asked him.

How many kids get asked by their parents to help them with their costumes?

Usually, it’s the other way around, isn’t it?

But in my house, I’m the one with all the costumes and my boys are the ones who help me out.

I wonder what kind of a mother this makes me… to be so enthralled with costumes I seem to always be working on one or another.

I hope when they get older, instead of seeing me as crazy and eccentric, my boys see me as unique, and someone who followed her passions.

I hope they learn to live a little on the wild side and not be afraid of being seen as odd.

I would love for each of my boys to have something in their lives that brings them as much joy as costuming does to my life.

No one in my family understands this interest of mine.

They think I’m nuts.

They indulge me.

They may roll their eyeballs, but in the end, my wings do get fluffed.

Perhaps they understand a little more than I give them credit for.

And maybe I’m a better role model than I give myself credit for.

Angels/Demons

New costume, natch.

For an Angels/Demons costume party that I’ll be taking a shift bartending at.

First comes the dress.

I asked my friend Krunch to weigh in on which was more evil of the three dresses I was looking at, and he picked #2.

dressesThen I found some evilish black wings to wear…

wingsAnd all I need to do is select some horns to go with. What do you prefer?

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It’s all coming together quite nicely, considering I have a long black wig to pair with the costume, since my blond hair (mistakenly) makes me look rather innocent and angelic.

black wigI also bought some mini black sclera contact lenses.  Just to make me look creepy.  I wanted to get the large black sclera contact lenses but figured they’d irritate my eyes.

Pair it all with some deep red or black lipstick and a smoky eye and you’ve got yourself Michelle a la Demon!

Who wants to sin?

Cupid

So I’m putting together a Cupid Costume for the Cupid (Bar) Crawl.

It goes a little something like this:

Gorgeous red corset:

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Matching red tutu:

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Red fairy wings, as if there’s not enough red already:

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Red LED heart earring.  Because who doesn’t love things that light up?

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A bow and arrow, because love comes with weapons, no doubt:

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My favorite piece of the WHOLE outfit… the heart shaped fascinator:

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Red glowbys for hair and tutu:

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A little heart-covered baggie to hold all my goodies I plan to give away:

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And the gift I’ll be giving away…

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You didn’t think I was going to tell you what it is, did you?  Not!