Foot in Mouth

So there I am, sipping a beer with a nice gentleman, chatting casually about Burning Man when he asked me a question.

I HEARD him ask, “So what’s was your favorite part of Burning Man?

My response?

The sex.

You just can’t save me from myself, can you?

He leaned in closer to me and asked, “Like sex on the beach?”

Wait!

What did you just ask me?

APPARENTLY, he asked me what was my favorite DRINK at Burning Man.

Oops!

So.

Now he knows that I’m a horn dog.

Also?

He knows I’m honest to a fault.

That must count for something!

A Sheer Disaster

So there I am, browsing through my Instagram when THIS picture pops up:

A beautiful curvy lady in ONE REALLY FUCKED UP DRESS.

WTF is going on here?

I had to take a better look.

She is wearing a see through dress embroidered with red roses. Underneath she’s wearing a matching nude bra and panty set with contrast black striping.

Is this a thing now?

First there were dresses with sheer panels.

Then sheer skirts and jumpsuits you have to wear your best knickers for.

AND NOW. . .

Now the whole frigging dress is sheer and requires you to be comfortable letting the world see you in your unmentionables.

This is why I like Burning Man events.

I can wear sheer clothes and no one blinks an eye.

I went to an Angels and Demons party dressed as a demon and the top of my dress was TOTALLY SHEER!

As much as I was tempted to go topless under it, I finally admitted to myself that my balls of steel were less steely and more squishy when it came to this.

I wore a black bandage bustier underneath it and was quite comfortable letting people peep my lingerie.

I even attended a “lingerie” party in. . . you guessed it. . . my LINGERIE!

But if you ask me if I would go on a date or out with my girlfriends wearing this dress, the answer is HELLO FUCKING NO!

Not unless I get to wear a full length wool coat buttoned up over my outfit.

And here I get confused. There’s a #MeToo movement on Facebook which asks women to post #MeToo in their status if they’ve ever been sexually assaulted.

Shouldn’t women be able to walk around in sheer clothes and underwear and feel safe from sexual predation?

Does wearing sheer clothing encourage the over-sexualization of women?

I don’t know the answer.

I suspect a PhD in Gender Studies could address the topic far better than I.

What I do know is this. . . I wear sheer clothes at Burning Man events BECAUSE it’s a safer environment where CONSENT IS KEY.

Out there in the Default World, I wouldn’t be caught dead in anything so sheer.

Poly or no?

I have a friend.

We’ll call him ‘Sam.’

Sam wants me to set him up with all the single women I know.

The thing is, Sam is poly.

At least Sam claims he’s poly.

[I personally think he’s flexible, for the right woman.]

All the women I know are monogamous.

Definitely NOT poly.

Anyway, Sam is upset that I offered to set up my friend Rob with two of my single girlfriends.

Beyond the fact that Sam is 10+ years older than Rob and simply less appropriate for the 30 – 40 year old women I know, Sam is POLY.

He likes to point out that I don’t believe he’s poly.

I like to point out that it doesn’t matter what I BELIEVE, it matters what HE BELIEVES.

So no, I’m not going to set up a monogamous woman with a poly man.

And, just so you know, I think it’s a wee bit deceptive that Sam’s online dating profiles don’t specify that he’s poly.

Now.

I COULD BE COMPLETELY WRONG ABOUT THIS, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that his lack of success in the dating pool could have something to do with the fact that he’s fishing in the wrong fucking pool with the wrong fucking bait.

Just saying.

Shit! Shit! Shit!

I know I said I would STAY AWAY from policemen.

My ex-husband was a police officer, after all, and look how that turned out.

It’s not that I dislike policemen.

Not at all.

I admire the work that they do – keeping the peace and maintaining law in society.

Every day, they see people having the WORST day of their lives, which can’t be easy.

You couldn’t pay me enough money to do what they do.

Thank you, I’ll keep on planning events and balancing the budget.

Which is why I’m shocked that I like Chad.

Chad is a DOUBLE WHAMMY.

He’s a cop and was in the military.

The Air Force to be exact.

Actually, he was a policeman in the Air Force.

I find this combination of careers oddly fascinating.

Lord knows I have loved me some military men in the past (you know who you are).

And I do know some very upstanding police officers (Hi Jon).

But usually, I hear the word “police” and I run the other way.

This time around, none of my warning bells were going off.

Chad sent me a picture of himself, which looked oddly familiar.

A man, dressed in blue, with a navy ball cap on. . .

Looks like an academy photo, smells like an academy photo, MUST BE AN ACADEMY PHOTO.

I freaked out (a little) and said, “You’re not a cop.”

He replied with the EYES WIDE OPEN emoticon.

Shit! Shit! Shit!

Burner Girls

I love my burner sisters.

They are by and large a group of resilient, beautiful, strong, and intelligent women.

Once again, however, I must object to the portrayal of burner women in the media.

Photographers seem to gravitate to skinny models and ignore non-mainstream burner women.

The diversity I see on the playa is not reflected in the photos I see.

And I can’t help but be disappointed.

Where are the curvy girls?

Where are my elders?

Where are my casually dressed burner sisters?

Where are the beautiful women of ethnicity?

Not everyone is a size two, young Caucasian model in full festival wear.

I follow an instagram feed called burnergirls.

And for the most part, it’s a lot of young, thin women in booty sticking out shorts wearing full festival gear.

Most of the pictures are authentic in that the burner girls are covered in dust.

I always look at their boots.

If the boots are dusty, then they’re real burners. If the boots are black, then the woman/women in the picture are models.

Real burner:

Model:

Lately, however, burnergirls has started to embrace the diversity we see on playa.

With older women:

With curvy women:

And with ethnic women:

I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to see these women appear in my instagram feed.

It reminds me of HOME and where I like to be – right in the middle of a group of gorgeous burner women celebrating being at Burning Man and living our dreams.

Save

Coffee dates SUCK!!!

Dating sucks.

I have never been on a coffee date that went well.

It’s as if investing only $2 in your first meeting somehow destines it for failure.

What can you learn about someone in a 30 minute conversation that’s going to drive you wild for them?

Nothing.

At best, it’s a polite conversation about things that don’t matter.

At worst, it’s an awkward conversation about things that don’t matter.

It’s a waste of everyone’s time.

I personally prefer to share a meal with someone. To share a drink and perhaps get relaxed enough to get the real conversation flowing.

My $1000 date was fantastic.

Not because my date spent $1000 or because the $500 bottle of wine made me want to cry tears of joy.

No, it was because I had a connection with my date. We were both relaxed and the conversation flowed freely.

But a coffee date? Who falls in love over their Starbucks?

I suppose this is just a rant about not having the opportunity to connect with anyone on a meaningful level and blaming the coffee date for the lack of connection.

The truth is people do fall in love over lattes.

Just not this woman.

Love Spells and 20 Questions

jennifer2So my cousin Jennifer tagged me in a Facebook post “If you want to fall in love with anyone, apparently all you have to do is ask them these questions.

Hmmmmm.

Intriguing.

I bought a Love Spell for $1 from the Renaissance Faire and I’m still single.

But okay, what gives?

I clicked the link.

I found that the questions were grouped into three categories – each with increasing intimacy.

Set 1 had questions like:

  • Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
  • When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
  • If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set 2 had questions like:

  • What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
  • If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
  • How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

And Set 3 had questions like:

  • Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
  • Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
  • Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

Whew!

Those questions really pull from the gut and I’m afraid I’d be emotionally exhausted after sharing them.

But I get what they are intending to do: create intimacy.

Remove the veils of pretense and get to the heart of who each of us is.

Because deep down, under all the layers we carry to protect ourselves, all we really want is to be seen and to be loved for who we really are.

Full stop.

I’m not saying this approach will work but it’ll certainly weed out the men who aren’t looking for a relationship.

The author caps off this Q and A session with eye gazing for 2 to 4 minutes.

Have you ever eye gazed?

It’s not easy to do. In the beginning it’s awkward. You may laugh a bit. Roll your eyes. But then you start to FEEL something. A connection. You start to SEE someone as a vulnerable human being. You soften. They react.

It’s actually quite beautiful.

So maybe these questions will be as effective as my Love Spell, but I’m willing to give anything a try. . .

Online Dating Pet Peeves

michelleI’ve been back online dating for less than 24 hours and already I’m reminded why I went offline. My latest edition of Online Dating Pet Peeves:

  1. Men wearing baseball caps that shade their face so I can’t see their features.
  2. Men wearing sunglasses in all their photos. I get it. You’re cool.
  3. Men who list all the things they don’t want instead of what they’re looking for.
  4. Flat brimmed baseball caps. Are you 12? Hipster.
  5. Emails that go nowhere.
  6. Men who post pictures with their ex’s face cropped out. Tacky.
  7. Pictures of men with models. Ugh. Modelizer!
  8. Men who take photos from so far away you can’t make out their face.
  9. Their, there, and they’re.
  10. Coffee dates. No.
  11. Men who list “no drama” in their profile. Liar!
  12. Messages that say “hi” and nothing else.
  13. Usernames like “lovestoeattacos” or “poundman.”
  14. The drinking with my buddies photo.
  15. Landscape profile photos. Why?
  16. Copied and pasted generic emails. You think we can’t tell? We can.
  17. Strange men instant messaging me. Yikes!
  18. Topless men. Really? Showoff.
  19. Any picture taken in the bathroom.
  20. Any picture taken while sitting in their car.
  21. Photos of their car. Oh, my bad! I have a pic of my truck in my profile. But it has a HEMI!
  22. Group shots.
  23. Photos of men posing with guns or shooting guns. NO!
  24. Wearing a beanie/hat in all his photos.
  25. Men who live 100+ miles away from you but who still email you. Pointless.

Yo ho! Yo ho!

Over a year ago I went deep sea fishing with a boatload of men I didn’t know.

I was the only woman there and I was keenly aware that I NEEDED TO CATCH A SALMON, OR ELSE BE THE DISGRACE OF MY GENDER!

Fortunately, I managed to catch one big fat salmon and you can read all about it HERE.

I’m happy to report that I’m going out again, this time with Sole-Man (can’t you just hear the Blues Brothers play?).

Okay, fishing kinda sucks because you have to get up at butt o’clock in the morning and drive all the way to the boat for a 6:00 am launch.  And I have to take dramamine because I’m prone to motion sickness.  And you have to bundle up because if you think San Francisco is cold, that’s nothing compared to the temperature when you’re on the bay.

But I’m totally excited this time around because I’M NOT GOING ALONE!

My friends are going with me!!

So far there’s just the three of us but we’re trying to load the boat with women so we have a boatload of women fishing in the SF Bay.

We’re fishing for shark, halibut and STRIPPERS.

Or maybe it’s stripers.

I’m kind hoping I catch a stripper!

fishing

Evolution

michelle beachAt first I wrote a big long blog post about using Tinder to hook up with dates.

You see, I told this guy (who happens to be smart, funny, single AND a burner) that he should troll Tinder for dates instead of ARRANGING FOR HIM TO GO ON A DATE WITH ME.

Let me say that again.

Rather than go on a date with an eligible bachelor, I advised him to visit Tinder to find a date.

What?!

I’ll admit, I’m flush with men right now.

But I am looking for a relationship and this guy on the surface seems to represent that possibility.

So why didn’t I arrange a date with him?

The simple answer to this question is I don’t know.

On some level I sensed that although he is quite single, he is not available.

Now I could be wrong.

Maybe he’s the most available man out there.

But sometimes, just sometimes, I think the best approach is to sit back and see how life unfolds when you’re not running at it at full speed with a battering ram.

When you just let it EVOLVE.