Shit! Shit! Shit!

I know I said I would STAY AWAY from policemen.

My ex-husband was a police officer, after all, and look how that turned out.

It’s not that I dislike policemen.

Not at all.

I admire the work that they do – keeping the peace and maintaining law in society.

Every day, they see people having the WORST day of their lives, which can’t be easy.

You couldn’t pay me enough money to do what they do.

Thank you, I’ll keep on planning events and balancing the budget.

Which is why I’m shocked that I like Chad.


He’s a cop and was in the military.

The Air Force to be exact.

Actually, he was a policeman in the Air Force.

I find this combination of careers oddly fascinating.

Lord knows I have loved me some military men in the past (you know who you are).

And I do know some very upstanding police officers (Hi Jon).

But usually, I hear the word “police” and I run the other way.

This time around, none of my warning bells were going off.

Chad sent me a picture of himself, which looked oddly familiar.

A man, dressed in blue, with a navy ball cap on. . .

Looks like an academy photo, smells like an academy photo, MUST BE AN ACADEMY PHOTO.

I freaked out (a little) and said, “You’re not a cop.”

He replied with the EYES WIDE OPEN emoticon.

Shit! Shit! Shit!

Burner Girls

I love my burner sisters.

They are by and large a group of resilient, beautiful, strong, and intelligent women.

Once again, however, I must object to the portrayal of burner women in the media.

Photographers seem to gravitate to skinny models and ignore non-mainstream burner women.

The diversity I see on the playa is not reflected in the photos I see.

And I can’t help but be disappointed.

Where are the curvy girls?

Where are my elders?

Where are my casually dressed burner sisters?

Where are the beautiful women of ethnicity?

Not everyone is a size two, young Caucasian model in full festival wear.

I follow an instagram feed called burnergirls.

And for the most part, it’s a lot of young, thin women in booty sticking out shorts wearing full festival gear.

Most of the pictures are authentic in that the burner girls are covered in dust.

I always look at their boots.

If the boots are dusty, then they’re real burners. If the boots are black, then the woman/women in the picture are models.

Real burner:


Lately, however, burnergirls has started to embrace the diversity we see on playa.

With older women:

With curvy women:

And with ethnic women:

I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to see these women appear in my instagram feed.

It reminds me of HOME and where I like to be – right in the middle of a group of gorgeous burner women celebrating being at Burning Man and living our dreams.


Coffee dates SUCK!!!

Dating sucks.

I have never been on a coffee date that went well.

It’s as if investing only $2 in your first meeting somehow destines it for failure.

What can you learn about someone in a 30 minute conversation that’s going to drive you wild for them?


At best, it’s a polite conversation about things that don’t matter.

At worst, it’s an awkward conversation about things that don’t matter.

It’s a waste of everyone’s time.

I personally prefer to share a meal with someone. To share a drink and perhaps get relaxed enough to get the real conversation flowing.

My $1000 date was fantastic.

Not because my date spent $1000 or because the $500 bottle of wine made me want to cry tears of joy.

No, it was because I had a connection with my date. We were both relaxed and the conversation flowed freely.

But a coffee date? Who falls in love over their Starbucks?

I suppose this is just a rant about not having the opportunity to connect with anyone on a meaningful level and blaming the coffee date for the lack of connection.

The truth is people do fall in love over lattes.

Just not this woman.

Love Spells and 20 Questions

jennifer2So my cousin Jennifer tagged me in a Facebook post “If you want to fall in love with anyone, apparently all you have to do is ask them these questions.



I bought a Love Spell for $1 from the Renaissance Faire and I’m still single.

But okay, what gives?

I clicked the link.

I found that the questions were grouped into three categories – each with increasing intimacy.

Set 1 had questions like:

  • Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
  • When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
  • If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set 2 had questions like:

  • What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
  • If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
  • How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

And Set 3 had questions like:

  • Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
  • Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
  • Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?


Those questions really pull from the gut and I’m afraid I’d be emotionally exhausted after sharing them.

But I get what they are intending to do: create intimacy.

Remove the veils of pretense and get to the heart of who each of us is.

Because deep down, under all the layers we carry to protect ourselves, all we really want is to be seen and to be loved for who we really are.

Full stop.

I’m not saying this approach will work but it’ll certainly weed out the men who aren’t looking for a relationship.

The author caps off this Q and A session with eye gazing for 2 to 4 minutes.

Have you ever eye gazed?

It’s not easy to do. In the beginning it’s awkward. You may laugh a bit. Roll your eyes. But then you start to FEEL something. A connection. You start to SEE someone as a vulnerable human being. You soften. They react.

It’s actually quite beautiful.

So maybe these questions will be as effective as my Love Spell, but I’m willing to give anything a try. . .

Online Dating Pet Peeves

michelleI’ve been back online dating for less than 24 hours and already I’m reminded why I went offline. My latest edition of Online Dating Pet Peeves:

  1. Men wearing baseball caps that shade their face so I can’t see their features.
  2. Men wearing sunglasses in all their photos. I get it. You’re cool.
  3. Men who list all the things they don’t want instead of what they’re looking for.
  4. Flat brimmed baseball caps. Are you 12? Hipster.
  5. Emails that go nowhere.
  6. Men who post pictures with their ex’s face cropped out. Tacky.
  7. Pictures of men with models. Ugh. Modelizer!
  8. Men who take photos from so far away you can’t make out their face.
  9. Their, there, and they’re.
  10. Coffee dates. No.
  11. Men who list “no drama” in their profile. Liar!
  12. Messages that say “hi” and nothing else.
  13. Usernames like “lovestoeattacos” or “poundman.”
  14. The drinking with my buddies photo.
  15. Landscape profile photos. Why?
  16. Copied and pasted generic emails. You think we can’t tell? We can.
  17. Strange men instant messaging me. Yikes!
  18. Topless men. Really? Showoff.
  19. Any picture taken in the bathroom.
  20. Any picture taken while sitting in their car.
  21. Photos of their car. Oh, my bad! I have a pic of my truck in my profile. But it has a HEMI!
  22. Group shots.
  23. Photos of men posing with guns or shooting guns. NO!
  24. Wearing a beanie/hat in all his photos.
  25. Men who live 100+ miles away from you but who still email you. Pointless.

Yo ho! Yo ho!

Over a year ago I went deep sea fishing with a boatload of men I didn’t know.

I was the only woman there and I was keenly aware that I NEEDED TO CATCH A SALMON, OR ELSE BE THE DISGRACE OF MY GENDER!

Fortunately, I managed to catch one big fat salmon and you can read all about it HERE.

I’m happy to report that I’m going out again, this time with Sole-Man (can’t you just hear the Blues Brothers play?).

Okay, fishing kinda sucks because you have to get up at butt o’clock in the morning and drive all the way to the boat for a 6:00 am launch.  And I have to take dramamine because I’m prone to motion sickness.  And you have to bundle up because if you think San Francisco is cold, that’s nothing compared to the temperature when you’re on the bay.

But I’m totally excited this time around because I’M NOT GOING ALONE!

My friends are going with me!!

So far there’s just the three of us but we’re trying to load the boat with women so we have a boatload of women fishing in the SF Bay.

We’re fishing for shark, halibut and STRIPPERS.

Or maybe it’s stripers.

I’m kind hoping I catch a stripper!



michelle beachAt first I wrote a big long blog post about using Tinder to hook up with dates.

You see, I told this guy (who happens to be smart, funny, single AND a burner) that he should troll Tinder for dates instead of ARRANGING FOR HIM TO GO ON A DATE WITH ME.

Let me say that again.

Rather than go on a date with an eligible bachelor, I advised him to visit Tinder to find a date.


I’ll admit, I’m flush with men right now.

But I am looking for a relationship and this guy on the surface seems to represent that possibility.

So why didn’t I arrange a date with him?

The simple answer to this question is I don’t know.

On some level I sensed that although he is quite single, he is not available.

Now I could be wrong.

Maybe he’s the most available man out there.

But sometimes, just sometimes, I think the best approach is to sit back and see how life unfolds when you’re not running at it at full speed with a battering ram.

When you just let it EVOLVE.

Roar to life

michelleIt’s been 3 months since I gave up internet dating and it’s time for me to admit. . .

I miss it.

A little.

I miss the excitement of those first few texts.

I miss the thrill of going on a first date.

I miss the anticipation of that first kiss.

Yeah sure, a lot about internet dating and first dates absolutely SUCKS.

The stink of rejection.

The boredom of no connection.

The stress of tying to impress.

But it’s not all bad.

I could use a bit of that secret little thrill you get when you meet someone you’re attracted to.

God, could I use some of that.

And, you know, how am I going to meet someone and hit it off with them if I’m not even looking?

Part of me seriously wonders if I’m going to wind up a lesbian.

After all, I meet tons of AWESOME women.

There was the nice, butch 49er fan I was attracted to BIG TIME, so it’s not like there’s no precedent.

But I think my preference is for men.

The other day I was driving my car and I saw a man standing on the side of the road, bending to grab something in a nearby hole. He was wearing jeans and a tight t-shirt. His hair was short and he had a beard.

I immediately felt this RUSH OF HORMONES.

And it made me realize. . .

I’m not dead.

I may feel like that part of my life has shriveled up and died, but it hasn’t.

It’s just waiting to roar to life.

Plus on the playa

So I’m having a little trouble finding an accurate representation of me on the playa at Burning Man.

All the pictures I see are of petite women wearing nearly nothing. Very beautiful ladies, indeed.

But where are the goddesses? Where are the Amazons? Where are my curvy ladies?

I’m guessing that with 60,000 people descending on the playa, there’s got to be some body diversity among the women. But you wouldn’t know it to look at the pictures.

It’s a little troublesome as I try to organize my wardrobe for the event. I have no one to model my outfits after.

Can I wear a bikini on the playa? Will I be the only curvy lady wearing one? Will there be body hate on the playa like there is in real life?

Am I obsessing over this a little too much?


I know what you’re all thinking…. Just wear what I want to wear.

And in theory I agree with you.

But I’d feel soooo much better if I could just take a peek as the diversity of styles on the playa, including women with ample boobs and butts.

Just saying.

There’s not much representation of Plus on the Playa.

How to tell if a woman wants you

michelle1This post is directed to a certain male friend who seems to be struggling with the fact that women don’t ANNOUNCE to you when they want to fool around.


Ok, first of all let me say I am the WORST person to write this post because I’m not a game player.

If I like you, if I want you, I’m gonna make it OBVIOUS.


I do however posses girl parts and had numerous girl friends growing up which I think makes me somewhat knowledgeable in the ways of women.

To begin with, if a woman likes you she’s going to go through some effort to look good for you. This can include any or all of the following:

  • Shaving her legs
  • Waxing her bikini
  • Getting a spray tan
  • Moisturizing
  • Wearing perfume
  • Doing her hair
  • Any other primping routine

Personally, my date can always tell when I want sex because I SHAVE MY LEGS.

I also have a grooming obsession, so there’s that too.

Does she smile at you? Play with her hair? Let you touch her? Sit on your lap? Engage in flirty language?

Then “maybe” she wants you to flirt back.

The important thing to remember is that ALL OF THESE THINGS do not equal consent.

So you know, if you want to know if she’s into you and interested in having sex with you, maybe the best thing to do is to ASK HER.


I mean, if you can’t talk about having sex, should you really be having sex?